You see, sometimes when you take a quote out of context it has a different meaning than originally intended. It’s funny. It’s frequently juvenile. Just go with it.

In this edition, Joel Ward puts his cape back in the closet.

It has come to my attention that friend of Pass it to Bulis and all-around nice guy Tanner Glass has become the target of slander from our hated rivals, The Kurtenblog. In their reprehensible attack piece, they claim that Tanner Glass is a cancer in the dressing room, has a me-first attitude, has connections to Somali pirates, and once drove a bus through the window of a Burger King.

LIES! LIES AND DECEIT!

You see, sometimes when you take a quote out of context it has a different meaning than originally intended. It’s funny. It’s frequently juvenile. Just go with it.

In this edition, Barry Trotz gets personal.

I do not aim with my hand;
He who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.
I aim with my eye.

I do not shoot with my stick;
He who shoots with his stick has forgotten the face of his father.
I shoot with my mind.

I do not score with the puck;
He who scores with the puck has forgotten the face of his father.
I score with my heart.

If you watched Game 2 of the Canucks-Predators series last Saturday night on CBC, you no doubt caught Glenn Healy’s sudden tirade about the Green Men, whom he hates. You’d be forgiven for assuming he mistakenly believed they had orchestrated 9/11; he seethes at their very mention. One imagines that, if the league were indeed to ban these two, Healy would head up an impromptu celebration outside the NHL head offices in New York.

In yesterday’s IWTG, we wrote the following: “Pekka Rinne was some kind of wonderful, and he kept his team in this one. He made 29 saves, most of them with a catching mitt that seemed capable of swallowing all that was and is and is to come. It quickly became apparent that Pekka Rinne’s glove was where scoring chances went to die, and people began to speculate about what other wonders might be things in Rinne’s glove.”

And speculate we did. The #ThingsinRinnesGlove hashtag, generated by @canucksean21 (after we completely missed the opportunity on our own joke), picked up some serious steam by the end of the first period, and by this morning, it was a solid source of funnies. But, if you don’t have time to click and read through all of them, we at PITB have compiled our favourite 25 things found in the glove of Pekka Rinne.

Cynical Interpretations of Quotes is a new feature on Pass it to Bulis, wherein we take what a player said with the best of intentions and interpret it as cynically as possible.

Jonathan Toews had some interesting things to say after game three, things that I felt were a little odd and inflammatory. He claimed that his team wasn’t “exposing them for what they really are.” I thought the implication was that the Canucks are not as good a team as they might seem, that their Presidents’ Trophy and 3-0 lead in this series are not indicative of what they really are. Some speculated that this was simply a motivation tactic for his own team, but it seemed odd to take potshots at your opposition, potentially giving them bulletin board material.

But then I considered the alternative: what if Jonathan Toews doesn’t think that the Canucks are a bad team, but something far more sinister? He doesn’t want his team to expose the Canucks as a poor hockey club, but for what they really are. This is what Jonathan Toews suspects the Canucks really are:

The Washington Capitals took a 2-0 lead in their series against the New York Rangers last night thanks to some stellar goaltending by Michael Neuvirth and goals from a pair of Jasons: Arnott and Chimera. But something odd occurred in the dying seconds of the game. With a mere 4.8 seconds remaining and the game clearly over, Bruce Boudreau frantically called a timeout from the bench before a defensive zone faceoff. What possible reason could Boudreau have for calling a timeout at such an inconsequential time?* Here are 10 possible reasons for the oddball call.

A few months back, PITB came into exclusive possession of some shocking action shots, which depicted Canucks enforcer Tanner Glass fighting bears. Through hard-nosed investigate journalism, we were able to report that Tanner Glass had been foraying into the forest and picking fights with the formidable mammals as a means of training for NHL scraps.

On a hunch, I trailed the Canucks’ winger earlier this week, suspicious that he might return to the woods to brush up on the physical elements of his game for the playoffs.

Sure enough, I saw him fight eight different bears that afternoon. I took pictures. Happy Friday.

With the playoffs pending, the prognosticators have poured out of the woodwork, making their playoff predictions with abandon. The experts have taken all factors into consideration, plugged endless stats into spreadsheets filled with formulas, expertly tossed chicken bones onto animal hides, and blindly flung darts at a board filled with logos. There was momentary confusion when this method led to KFC defeating Nike in 6 games, but it was decided this meant Washington over New York in 5.

Let’s face it, these kinds of predictions are usually just a crapshoot. The best most people can manage is an educated guess. There are just too many random, bizarre events in hockey to accurately predict the results of a 7-game series. So, instead of making ordinary, boring predictions about each playoff series, which you can find anywhere else, I’m going to try to predict some of the random, bizarre events instead. In very specific detail. Here are 10 unlikely predictions for the 2011 NHL Playoffs. If even one of these predictions comes true, I am buying a crystal ball, 134 candles, and some faux-silk scarves and going into business.

Local musician Kyprios has released a new song, “How The West Was One,” a Canuck anthem just in time for the playoffs. It’s a decent song, actually, with some slick production and decent flow. I like it. Though he drops fewer rhymes than the Bible’s got psalms, Kyprios demonstrates a legit knowledge of the Canucks and proves himself a true fan. There are, however, some factual inaccuracies in the lyrics, which, as a super-famous Canuck blog co-writer, I feel obliged to correct, so as to avoid spreading fallacies amongst the Canuck fanbase.

On March 29, in the dying seconds of a road game versus the Nashville Predators, Canucks’ defenseman Aaron Rome scored his first goal as a Canuck. It was a 200-foot empty-netter, but that didn’t make it any less special for Vancouver, who celebrated the rare occurrence (it was Rome’s 100th game with the team) by mobbing him like he’d scored an overtime winner.

This touching moment almost didn’t happen. As the puck drifted towards the goal line, Henrik Sedin quit skating and stuck his arms out, so as to prevent anybody from spoiling the moment. In that instant, any number of shocking things could have gone awry. Below, PITB has imagined three very plausible scenarios, with adorable artist’s renderings by the fabulously talented Chloe Ezra.

With Daniel Sedin’s failed penalty shot attempt Friday, the NHL scoring leader is now 0-for-4 in his career on penalty shots, and it’s never really been close. He’s bad at it. He’s so bad at it that Alain Vigneault used this most recent non-goal as an example of why Daniel never gets a chance in the shootout.

It’s a strange anomaly, really, especially considering that Daniel Sedin is a pretty fabulous scorer. Furthermore, he’s in possession of one of the NHL’s most accurate shots. You’d think he’d be money in these situations, but it would seem penalty shots and shootouts just aren’t particularly suited for his game.

Here are 20 possible explanations:

Yesterday, we learned that the Canucks will be without Manny Malhotra for the rest of the season due to eye injury. It was difficult to digest, and not just because Malhotra is a fantastic human being who doesn’t deserve this terrible misfortune. Also, because Malhotra has been an invaluable member of the Canucks forward corps [...]

Back in January, we posted our second annual Canucks Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet, a guide to all of the players on the Vancouver Canucks for the recently baptized Canucks fan. It was an excellent introduction to the team for wives of diehard fans, Vancouverites who just noticed that the Canucks are at the top of [...]

You might recall the Raffi Torres bowling ball image (BallTor) from the minor photoshop party we tried to jumpstart last week. It comes from this goal, Raffi’s second of the night in a 5-2 win over the Dallas Stars. The goal led to this photo, which is wonderful for many, many reasons, chief amongst them [...]

You, Brad Ziemer. You’re the one I hate. I hate you. Alain Vigneault is a coach who really knows how to use the media, not to garner attention, like Ron Wilson, but to make his team better. Some of us even go so far as to point out when he does it. Still, while Vigneault [...]

In honor of the Academy Awards coming up this Sunday, we here at Pass it to Bulis have taken it upon ourselves to award our own versions of the Academy Awards to our beloved Vancouver Canucks. Like the actual Academy Awards, it’s incredibly self-congratulatory, but that’s just fine. After all, the Canucks are first place [...]

Sometimes, you just can’t find the words, and on a day like Valentine’s Day–a day especially made for the expression of true-hearted sentiment–that simply will not do. Thankfully, when your tongue gets tied, you can reach into a box of Sweethearts and find the secrets of your heart already expressed (provided the secrets of your [...]

If you’re new to Cody Hodgson’s dark times, I recommend you go back and read the original post that led to this one. If, however, you’re averse to doing research just to get a pretty lame joke, here’s a short primer: in an intermission segment about Cody Hodgson’s injury troubles, the narration included the hyperbolic [...]

In case you just awoke from a hockey coma, you’ve probably heard that Cody Hodgson, prized prospect of the Vancouver Canucks, played his first NHL game yesterday. It’s been a long time coming for Hodgson, who has overcome a boatload of misinformation, intrusive media coverage, rampant speculation and injury troubles just to get here. But [...]

If you haven’t seen this fantastic video of Alex Burrows interviewing Kevin Bieksa from ESPN.com, you are missing out. It is remarkably hilarious. Many stick taps and gloved taps on the helmet to Nucks Misconduct.

Raymond = Fast Last year, we introduced the inaugural Canucks Bandwagon cheat sheet to give aid to the less informed, less involved fan who wanted to feel a part of the Canucks’ playoff run. Unfortunately, two weeks later, the Canucks were eliminated by the Blackhawks, and the cheat sheet was forgotten. It’s eight months later, [...]

I know, I know. I did this joke yesterday. Cut me some slack. I can’t even fully explain how much fun these are to come up with. You should try it. Tweet us @passittobulis, with the hashtag #NHLWarRoomQuotes. Here are twenty more things overheard at the NHL War Room: “Okay, Mr. VanMassenhoven. Pick a number, [...]