Today in quotes taken out of context: Dallas Stars’ forward Steve Ott observes that his colleagues have been indulging in oversized desserts.

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Daniel Carcillo, Chicago’s newest tough guy, is a stereotypical goon, right down to the fact that he doesn’t quite exude knowledge and wisdom. When asked about the rivalry with the Canucks in his introductory press conference, for instance, he showed that he wasn’t fully caught up on the offseason roster moves of his new nemesis.

But this story has been severely underreported. It turns out that Carcillo made a bevy of other questionable, somewhat misinformed comments at his press conference. Great news, too: we at PITB got our hands on a complete transcript, and we’ve compiled his top 20 quotes right here:

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Some of you may remember the offseason-amplified controversy over Mike Duco’s Twitter account, in which it was learned that the newly-acquired Vancouver winger had made some incendiary tweets regarding the Stanley Cup finalist Canucks prior to being traded to them. In a heel turn of epic proportions, we featured these tweets on the blog, which led to a surge of vitriol directed Mike Duco’s way, which led to the unfortunate deletion of his Twitter account, which, finally, led to a surge of vitriol directed our way.

Much of this vitriol was hilarious, but none moreso than the vendetta against PITB launched by Carolina forward Anthony Stewart, a former teammate of Duco’s with the Rochester Americans. The morning after tweeting, The man had to delete his twitter… #Bringback@Duco87 tell @passittobulis to write that in his blog, Stewart woke up still angry, and proceeded to name July 15, 2011, National don’t pass it to Bulis day, (a holiday we are certain to observe in the coming years). I’d rather dump in on a breakaway than pass it to Bulis, Stewart wrote, then proceeded to use this same basic formula for a lengthy series of scathing tweets.

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Five pictures of Kevin Bieksa, boiling with bubbling hate

Kevin Bieksa makes a mean “mean face”. You’ve probably seen it. At some point, during the game, something rubs Juice the wrong way, and he flashes a trademark sneer, except sneer is too passive a description — it’s more of a mental defenestration. With yesterday’s announcement that the Canucks have re-signed Juice through 2016 (with a no-trade clause, for which he apologized to fans who will need to plug someone else into their rumours), it gives me great joy to say that pictures of Kevin Bieksa boiling with bubbling hate will be a staple in this city for the next five years. Here are five good ones, just to whet your appetite.

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In 1994, the Vancouver Canucks went to the Stanley Cup Final and lost in 7 games. The city responded with a shameful riot. Now, in 2011, the Canucks went to the Stanley Cup Final and lost in 7 games. The city responded with an even more shameful riot. The synchronicity is truly astounding. So what if the future holds the same fate for this season’s Canucks as it did the ’94 Canucks? What is Vancouver’s fate? What will happen in the next 5 years?

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It’s a stressful time right now. With Game 7 just a few hours away, fans of the Vancouver Canucks are slightly on edge. After 106 games played, the entire season rides on just one game. Fans are filled with questions: which Roberto Luongo will show up tonight? Is there more than one Roberto Luongo? How many Roberto Luongos are there? Which one takes long walks on the seawall? Are all the Roberto Luongos married? Do you think a girl like me would have a chance with a guy like him?

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Yesterday, we presented a funny little photo that depicted Cory Schneider in what appeared to be the the climax of a blistering air guitar solo. It was a sweet pic. We had some fun with it, soliciting photoshops from our readers that put the imagined axe into his hands. The results were, as the kids say, “cool beans.” So here are some more.

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The truth is, of course, that it doesn’t truly matter how a team wins the Stanley Cup, though I might object if the Canucks began wielding chainsaws and dismembering their opponents. If the Canucks win the Cup, people will remember Burrows more for his overtime gamewinning goals than his biting incident. Lapierre will be the player who scored the only goal in a crucial Game 5 victory. Luongo will be hailed for his 2 (or more) shutouts in the Final, Henrik will be praised for being only the second European captain to lead his team to the Cup, and it will be revealed that Kesler was playing with 72 separate injuries.

It doesn’t matter how you win; there are no style points in hockey.

But maybe there should be.

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Between nasty hits, high sticks, crosschecks, a finger-biting trend, and misconducts galore, it’s probably safe to say that the Stanley Cup Final has been a chippy affair. Though there’s always some concern when two teams that don’t often see each other often meet, Vancouver and Boston never struggled to generate bad blood. However, it’s been my understanding that, any time hatred appears this strong, it’s powered by an equally strong undercurrent of love. After 10 days in one another’s company, is it hyperbole to say that Vancouver and Boston have actually become best friends forever? Certainly not. Truth is, while the media is busy telling stories of the dirty, overrated, and unlikable Canucks, much of their ammunition has come by way of misreporting on Vancouver’s many, many random acts of kindness. Here are eleven genial gestures that have been misconstrued.

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Even now, after stymieing the Canucks for two straight games, Tim Thomas remains a difficult Stanley Cup Final player to hate. He’s just too much of a character. Certainly, Canuck fans are upset about his Game 3 bodycheck on Henrik Sedin or his Game 4 fracas with Alex Burrows but, truth is, as infuriating as Tim Thomas can be when he’s the opponent, the Boston keeper remains charmingly strange. If Roberto Luongo pulled like-minded stunts on the regular, we’d love him forever.

At PITB, we’re beginning to wonder if we’ve even seen the apex of Thomas’s unorthodox approach to goaltending. The Bruins netminder appears to have diplomatic immunity in the eyes of NHL officials, and as of yet, he doesn’t seem fully aware of the possibilities. God help us if he clues in. With the help of exceptional artist Chloe Ezra, PITB has imagined three distinct scenarios that, implausible as they might be, seem well within Tim Thomas’s repertoire.

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Game Three of the Stanley Cup Final was a debacle. That’s an unassailable fact. After a hard-fought first period where the Canucks were arguably the better team, they imploded in the second period, right around the time Alex Edler’s stick exploded. It was painful. It was ugly. It was embarrassing.

But it could have been worse. So, in honor of the 8 goals that the Bruins scored on Monday, here are 8 ways that everything could have been even more embarrassing than it was.

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Despite losing the faceoff, the Canucks scored the fastest overtime playoff goal in team history on Saturday. Alex Edler created the turnover, Daniel Sedin provided the dish, and Alex Burrows supplied the finish, all in a mere 11 seconds. It all happened so fast that thousands of Canucks fans didn’t even see the goal. 11 seconds is not enough time for a bathroom break or to grab a snack from the fridge. But there are lots of things that can be accomplished in 11 seconds and it might help us understand how incredibly quick this goal truly was.

In 11 seconds…

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Mike Murphy’s ruling on the Alex Burrows/Patrice Bergeron incident — in which Burrows “allegedly” bit Bergeron during a Game 1 scrum — was a little difficult for some people to accept. However, it wasn’t so much a question of whether or not it was a suspendable offense. Most of the scoffing came from the Murphy’s statement, which asserted, “I can find no conclusive evidence that Alex Burrows intentionally bit the finger of Patrice Bergeron.”

No conclusive evidence? Look, I’m fine with Murphy’s decision not to suspend Burrows for what I assume are obvious reasons, but let’s get serious here.

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This whiny-looking photo of Henrik Sedin (Whinerik?) was taken just moments after the Canucks’ captain was felled by an Andrew Ference crosscheck to the ribs. The Sedins, as you might know, spend a lot of time with their backs to defenders, and as a result, their spines have evolved into diamond nanorods. Their fronts, however, are crosschecked much less often, and therefore retain the sensitivity of normal people. This hurt.

A lot of people accused Henrik Sedin of trying to sell a call here, but that’s not what I see in this photo. I see a sensitive soul singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” from a place of raw emotion. I also see a lot of other things.

Here are 20 things Henrik Sedin might be saying in this photo.

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One might think that, after three NHL playoff rounds, we as Canuck fans would be pretty adept at summoning, from thin air, a bubbling hatred for Vancouver’s next postseason opponent. Unfortunately, as a Stanley Cup Final with the Boston Bruins draws near, one may find this difficult. The Bruins are tough to truly hate. The Canucks don’t see them much, so there’s little history of antagonism. All our associations go to the roots of the NHL itself, where the Bruins are seminal. They’re an original six franchise that once iced greats like Bobby Orr, Phil Esposito, and Ray Bourque. Even now, Bruins like Tim Thomas, Zdeno Chara, and Vancouver-born Milan Lucic are tough for BC hockey fans to truly despise.

Left unchecked, one’s Boston-based thoughts could be downright pleasant, but one must check oneself before one wrecks oneself: the Boston Bruins are bad. They are the only team standing between the Canucks and their first Stanley Cup and there is, therefore, no room for any redeeming thoughts regarding them. If you think the Bruins are good, you had better be thinking of some other bruin — some other bear — because the Boston Bruins are bad.

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As anticipated, True North Sports & Entertainment announced today in a press conference that they have purchased the Atlanta Thrashers and are moving them north of the border to Winnipeg, Manitoba. This was easily the most anti-climactic announcement of the year, as the media have been reporting this as a done deal for weeks. However, there were a number of other, more interesting announcements that have gone severely under-reported. I am shocked at how little attention these announcements are receiving. In my mind, these are the real stories from the press conference:

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Kevin Bieksa’s double overtime winner put the Vancouver Canucks into Stanley Cup Finals for the only the third time in their history. It was a momentous occasion, and there was little for Vancouverites to complain about. the That said, there was one minor issue: the confetti.

As soon as the Canucks scored the winner, flakes of coloured paper began raining down from the ceiling. It looked really nice until it landed on the ice, creating a mess that jammed up the players’ skates, looked horrible to clean up, and would have made it impossible to continue the game had the goal been waved off, like some initially suspected it might.

That said, it could have been much worse. Through much investigative journalism, hacking, and espionage, PITB has acquired a list of 50 items suggested and eventually rejected by Rogers Arena event staff before they settled on confetti. One perusal of this list tells you things could have been much, much worse.

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Thanks to a clutch game 6 victory over the Nashville Predators on Monday and a surprising surge from the Detroit Red Wings, taking the San Jose Sharks to 7 games, the Vancouver Canucks are in the middle of a 5-game break with no games. And it’s taking forever. Seriously, it’s killing me. What am I supposed to do, watch the NBA playoffs? And be reminded that Vancouver could have both the Canucks and the Grizzlies in the playoffs right now? Ugh, no thanks.

Instead, PITB has created this handy guide to kill the next few days with a minimum of muss and fuss.

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With last night’s stunning comeback victory, the Detroit Red Wings have forced a game seven in their series with the San Jose Sharks. This means that the Canucks won’t know who their Western Conference Final opponent is until Thursday night.

But who would they prefer to face? PITB takes a look at their two potential opponents, weighing the pros and cons for each, in another segment of This Guy or This Guy.

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You see, sometimes when you take a quote out of context it has a different meaning than originally intended. It’s funny. It’s frequently juvenile. Just go with it.

In this edition, Joel Ward puts his cape back in the closet.

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It has come to my attention that friend of Pass it to Bulis and all-around nice guy Tanner Glass has become the target of slander from our hated rivals, The Kurtenblog. In their reprehensible attack piece, they claim that Tanner Glass is a cancer in the dressing room, has a me-first attitude, has connections to Somali pirates, and once drove a bus through the window of a Burger King.

LIES! LIES AND DECEIT!

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You see, sometimes when you take a quote out of context it has a different meaning than originally intended. It’s funny. It’s frequently juvenile. Just go with it.

In this edition, Barry Trotz gets personal.

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I do not aim with my hand;
He who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.
I aim with my eye.

I do not shoot with my stick;
He who shoots with his stick has forgotten the face of his father.
I shoot with my mind.

I do not score with the puck;
He who scores with the puck has forgotten the face of his father.
I score with my heart.

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If you watched Game 2 of the Canucks-Predators series last Saturday night on CBC, you no doubt caught Glenn Healy’s sudden tirade about the Green Men, whom he hates. You’d be forgiven for assuming he mistakenly believed they had orchestrated 9/11; he seethes at their very mention. One imagines that, if the league were indeed to ban these two, Healy would head up an impromptu celebration outside the NHL head offices in New York.

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In yesterday’s IWTG, we wrote the following: “Pekka Rinne was some kind of wonderful, and he kept his team in this one. He made 29 saves, most of them with a catching mitt that seemed capable of swallowing all that was and is and is to come. It quickly became apparent that Pekka Rinne’s glove was where scoring chances went to die, and people began to speculate about what other wonders might be things in Rinne’s glove.”

And speculate we did. The #ThingsinRinnesGlove hashtag, generated by @canucksean21 (after we completely missed the opportunity on our own joke), picked up some serious steam by the end of the first period, and by this morning, it was a solid source of funnies. But, if you don’t have time to click and read through all of them, we at PITB have compiled our favourite 25 things found in the glove of Pekka Rinne.

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