Photoshop gallery: Brad Marchand kisses invisible Cup

Brad Marchand is an idiot.

Now, to be fair, every team has guys like this, and they can be very effective and valuable. As I said yesterday on Boston radio, if Marchand was our idiot, to borrow a turn of phrase from Tom Sestito, we’d be more than happy to tolerate him. But he’s not. He’s very, very not.

As such, rather than tolerating, or worse, appreciating him, we at Pass it to Bulis encourage you to join us in mocking the Boston Bruins’ winger that’s become the face of the Bruins/Canucks rivalry (meaning the rivalry has a comically gigantic nose).

Above is a photo taken back on December 14, 2013, when Marchand’s Bruins visited Vancouver for the first time since they hoisted the Stanley Cup there in June of 2011. Thinking perhaps we might have forgotten, because he’s dumb and he forgets obvious things, like how to spell “champion”, Marchand mimed a Cup lift-and-kiss — and then he forgot he did it, because, as mentioned, he’s dumb, so he did it a second time.

Fortunately, pulling the same move twice gave Jeff Vinnick two opportunities to capture it perfectly for maximum photoshoppability, and the second time around, he definitely did. With the Canucks and Bruins set to go again Tuesday night, it is time to let the shops flow!

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David Booth kills the Forest Spirit, and other creatures of myth

By now, it should be perfectly clear that David Booth doesn’t care what you think. Well, he sort of does. I mean, the other day, he sullenly tweeted, “Every time I tweet I lose followers”, but when several responses explaining the phenomenon came back to him — stop tweeting photos of things you done killed, bro — he chose not to change his spots, like a leopard (and then he probably killed a leopard).

On Thursday, Booth successfully ended the life of yet another beast and saw fit to share it with his squeamish audience. That’s what you’re looking at above.

But what the heck is what you’re looking at? As Roberto Luongo tweeted in response, “Ok NOW you are just making up animals no?” Is that a goat of some kind? A four-legged Appalachian Fearsquatch, as Justin Bourne suggested? The Forest Spirit from Princess Mononoke?

The species of the dead thing above may be unclear, but one thing does seem clear: with so much time on his hands, David Booth has grown weary of hunting things that exist and crossed over in the realms of lore. “There’s only one trophy in the world harder to get than this… And I’m getting that next,” said Booth, ominously. Lock up your fictional characters, people, because David Booth will be trying to kill them for as long as the lockout endures. What follows is a preview of what we can expect Booth to tweet in the months to come:

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I Find This Photo Odd: Kevin Bieksa is a crooner

While searching through the archives for poorly-dressed Canucks, I happened across a great photo of Kevin Bieksa appearing to entertain Ryan Kesler and Chris Higgins with some impromptu acapella, using his stick as a microphone. I chuckled to myself and moved on.

But then I found another one, this time using a wireless handheld water bottle.

It turns out that Bieksa simply loves to sing. We should have known: he famously burst out into song during an interview with Scott Oake and he loves playing to a crowd. Now, in the spirit of the many axes of Cory Schneider, PITB takes a look at Kevin Bieksa’s lockout plans, where he’s taking a chance on a new career as a singer.

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I Find This Photo Odd: Jannik Hansen in a beanbag chair

Here’s a photo of Jannik Hansen from the Canucks’ first-round series with the Kings. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on in it. It looks like, maybe, Hansen collided with Rob Scuderi along the boards and the two went down.

But it also sort of looks like Hansen convinced Scuderi to let himself be used as a beanbag chair. The LA defender’s nickname is “The Piece”. Maybe that’s only half of it, and the second half is “Of rumpus room furniture”?

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Seven more amazing Ryan Kesler tumbleweed gifs

The Canucks’ 2012 Stanley Cup run may have ended after only 5 games, but the Ryan Kesler tumbleweed meme is still going strong. If you’re unfamiliar with it, here’s what you need to know: in Game 1 of the Canucks’ series with the Los Angeles Kings, Kesler perpetrated perhaps the greatest dive of the post-lockout era. He fell to the ice, he flailed, he lost his stick, and he bounced lightly like a tumbleweed. It was amazing.

The photoshop wizards over at the HF Boards latched onto Kesler’s ever-so-slightly embellished tumble in a big way, splicing him into all sorts of scenes. We featured our six favourites about a week ago, but the guys have clearly yet to run out of ideas. With that in mind, we thought it only right to put together a second gallery. Enjoy.

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In anticipation of his return, even more photos of Tanner Glass fighting bears

Obviously, our fondness for Tanner Glass has little to do with his offensive output. The Saskatchewan-born winger put up only 7 goals and 22 points over his two seasons in Vancouver, and routinely drew our ire when deployed on the third line. But, he was and is one of our favourite Canucks ever because, between his excellent opinions on community outreach, board games, and appropriate on-ice trash talk, Glass is simply one of the NHL’s best people.

Since joining the Winnipeg Jets, Glass has even proved himself as a third-liner, forming a formidable checking trio with Jim Slater and Chris Thorburn. He’s established career-highs in goals and points (although, at only 5 and 14, respectively, he’s still more of a natural checker). But that’s not all Glass has been up to. As it turns out, Winnipeg is just crawling with bears.

PITB has previously featured Glass fighting bears here, here, and here (and one time someone made a sign). With the Jets in town on Thursday night, I thought we’d look at one more collection of ursine pugilism from Canada’s best bare-knuckle bear boxer.

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More signs from the ‘Twins are gross’ guys

Last week, we uncovered a strange photo from, I think, the 2010 playoffs. In it, two fans mocked Roberto Luongo, one with a bewilderingly vague sign that read “Twins are gross”, the other with the classic “crybaby” gesture. It was a hilarious juxtaposition, the nonspecific sign with its poorly executed dig at the Sedins that seemed to speak more to the fan’s distrust of zygosity, and the guy beside him, presumably confident the vague signage would reduce Luongo to tears.

It was maybe one of our favourite photos ever, and we had some fun with it. The sign was ripe for photoshopping, and we did just that, then invited you fine folks to join in the revelry. You have done so with gusto. Here are some of our favourites.

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I Find This Photo Odd: Ryan Kesler climbs the net

Thursday night’s 6-5 Canuck loss versus the Nashville Predators was jam-packed with oddities. There was the offensive outburst, as the two teams combined for 11 goals, only three fewer than their entire season series last year. There was the goalie no-show, as Cory Schneider’s hot streak came to a screeching halt with 3 goals on 5 shots and Roberto Luongo only fared marginally better. And, of course, there was that strange little moment when Ryan Kesler scaled the net.

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Cory Schneider’s first year as a full-fledged member of the Vancouver Canucks was a successful one. More than simply being a serviceable backup, Schneider matched the statistics of Roberto Luongo, giving the Canucks Vezina-quality netminding all through the season. The pair combined to allow the fewest goals against in the league, adding a Jennings Trophy to a long list of NHL awards won by Canuck players. It was impressive, especially because, prior to Schneider’s arrival in town, Canuck fans were used to spotty netminding from Luongo’s backup. It was also impressive because Schneider did it all while being habitually attacked by a shark.

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You fine folks may remember the above image from a couple days back, when it inspired us to launch a Sami Salo photoshop contest. Well, the entries are in, and we thought we’d share them with you. A winner has yet to be picked, so if you want to have a say in the matter, please mosey on over to the comments and tell us what our opinion should be. In the meantime, here are 10 photos of Sami Salo, lustily licking his lips.

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Some of you might remember the above photo from this month-old post, in which we uncovered an odd photo that gave one the indication that Sami Salo found his hockey gloves exceedingly delicious. The photo is back, for two reasons: First, Bulie @damirk made the photoshop herein, and I think it’s hilarious. Poor Salo looks genuinely tortured by Jannik Hansen’s chocolatey birthday cake. Second, this is the slowest offseason ever, so it’s time for a photoshop contest.

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In case you missed it yesterday, we dug up some interesting info regarding NHL veteran and Canucks’ training camp tryout Owen Nolan. First, he has a storied history with Gino Odjick. Second, he has a Twitter account. Now, it seems unlikely that the Twitter account will yield anything as interesting as Paul Bissonnette’s, but it stands to reason that, unless Mike Duco undeletes his account and keeps talking smack about his teammates, Mike Gillis starts breaking player acquisitions, Ryan Kesler really steps his game up while he’s rehabbing his hip surgery, Kevin Bieksa finally caves, or Fin goes batcrap insane, Nolan’s will be the most engaging twitter account among Canuck personalities (provided he makes the team, which we suspect he will). So we need to make the most of what he gives us.

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Between DoanFace and Roaring Crosby, photos of hockey players in the midst of celebration are almost always photoshop comedy gold. But this morning, when Houses of the Hockey’s Rick Moldovanyi brought us Screaming Chara, my first reaction wasn’t laughter — it was terror. Maybe it’s because Zdeno Chara is basically a horror movie monster already, and maybe it’s because the image of him celebrating a Stanley Cup win over my beloved Vancouver Canucks continues to haunt my nightmares. Either way, I did not find Screaming Chara funny. I found it horrifying. And now you will too.

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Some of you may remember the above photo of Cory Schneider from about a month back, when we discovered it after game 6 of the Stanley Cup Final. If not, get acquainted with it: it may be the most photoshoppable photo of all time. Heck, we’ve already had two full galleries of The Many Axes of Cory Schneider, and I’m still not satisfied that we’ve exhausted all the possibilities. By the end of the second gallery, the guitar angle had been relatively exhausted, but it was beginning to become apparent how perfectly Schneider was posed to handle a litany of different instruments. Keytar. Banjolin. Giant sub.

That in mind, I decided it was time to get all mavericky with the meme. And so, without further ado, I present a very special part III in the many axes of Cory Schneider series.

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Sometimes, all it takes is a generous link from a blog with more traffic to remind us of how little power we actually have over here at PITB. Consider the Twitter Needs Juice post we made about a month and a half back: sure, some people read it, but not nearly as many people read it yesterday, after Derek Jory linked to it in his Juiceisms post over at Fort Nucks, the Canucks’ official blog. We humbly acknowledge your superior readership, sir.

It’s probably because Fort Nucks’ official hockey team (the Vancouver Canucks) is a little more popular than ours (The Vancouver Wellwoods), although let’s not sell the Wellwoods short. They’ve had a goalie captain for quite some time, and no one’s ever suggested Morgan wasn’t the right fit, which is more than I can say for Luongo.

Anyway, the best thing about the sudden bump is that people have finally begun sending in images of support for our silly little campaign.

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Yesterday, we presented a funny little photo that depicted Cory Schneider in what appeared to be the the climax of a blistering air guitar solo. It was a sweet pic. We had some fun with it, soliciting photoshops from our readers that put the imagined axe into his hands. The results were, as the kids say, “cool beans.” So here are some more.

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Mike Murphy’s ruling on the Alex Burrows/Patrice Bergeron incident — in which Burrows “allegedly” bit Bergeron during a Game 1 scrum — was a little difficult for some people to accept. However, it wasn’t so much a question of whether or not it was a suspendable offense. Most of the scoffing came from the Murphy’s statement, which asserted, “I can find no conclusive evidence that Alex Burrows intentionally bit the finger of Patrice Bergeron.”

No conclusive evidence? Look, I’m fine with Murphy’s decision not to suspend Burrows for what I assume are obvious reasons, but let’s get serious here.

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The moment the Boston Bruins punched their ticket for the Stanley Cup Final, many Vancouver fans pointed out that PITB’s exclusive, very real photos of Tanner Glass fighting bears — released sporadically throughout the season — suddenly seemed downright prescient. As previously reported, Glass has been sneaking into the forest on weekends since January, picking fights with up to eight bears a day, no doubt in preparation for the series that begins Wednesday. The logical assumption, at this point, is that Tanner Glass is some sort of prophet of pugilism, and has known all along that a skilled bearfighter could tip the Stanley Cup Final in Vancouver’s favour. With this in mind, PITB has gently improved a couple Boston Bruins print ads to reflect the impact a bearproof Glass may have on this series.

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If you watched the Nashville-Vancouver series, you probably noticed that Ryan Kesler kind of won it all by himself. He did everything. He functioned as the team’s shutdown center. He drew almost half of Nashville’s penalties. He took half his team’s faceoffs. He was involved in 11 of the team’s 14 goals. He played the hero and the villain simultaneously. Barry Trotz compared him to a pre-(and post) Vancouver Mark Messier, admitting that Kesler’s play throughout the series was the reason Vancouver won in six. It was a performance for the ages.

It also generated an amusing little meme over at the HF Boards, where, once it became apparent Ryan Kesler was literally doing everything, the creativity started to flow. It didn’t matter if it was a good thing or a bad thing — if it happened, Ryan Kesler did it. And, so, without further ado, we present the “Ryan Kesler Did This” gallery.

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You may remember the above image from last week, when I found it odd. To me, it sort of looks like the team just finished beating the stuffing out of their starting goaltender, and they’re congratulating themselves for it. I imagine whomever is hugging Oreskovich and Ehrhoff landed the finishing blow.

Why is it back? Because I mucked around with it in photoshop.

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Some of you might remember the “What’s Up There” photo that we found odd earlier this week. In it, we posited that, taking into account the various awestruck looks of the up-looking Canucks, they couldn’t possibly just be looking at the puck — it had to be something much more remarkable.

We received a few reader submissions that made me chuckle, and I wanted to share them with you, especially after last night’s retread of the Voldemort game, which is causing numerous pool-flippings in the Lower Mainland today.

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If you didn’t already know that this photo is from the dying seconds of Friday’s game with the Chicago Blackhawks, you’d be left intrigued by what, exactly, is up there. In fact, I look forward to two or three years down the road when someone comes across this image in a Google Images search and wonders if maybe something with wings had somehow gotten into the building and was doing barrel rolls in the rafters. A bat? A robin? Batman and Robin? Really, the possibilities are endless if you don’t already know that it’s just the boring old puck.

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A few months back, PITB came into exclusive possession of some shocking action shots, which depicted Canucks enforcer Tanner Glass fighting bears. Through hard-nosed investigate journalism, we were able to report that Tanner Glass had been foraying into the forest and picking fights with the formidable mammals as a means of training for NHL scraps.

On a hunch, I trailed the Canucks’ winger earlier this week, suspicious that he might return to the woods to brush up on the physical elements of his game for the playoffs.

Sure enough, I saw him fight eight different bears that afternoon. I took pictures. Happy Friday.

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Obama Just Got Keslurked

Oh Ryan Kesler, you so crazy. This image, taken during the Blackhawks’ visit to the White House yesterday comes to us courtesy of egatti, forum photoshopper extraordinnaire.

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As you may know, PITB is making the California road trip this year, but we’d hate to leave you with nothing new to peruse in our absence. With that in mind, we’d like to welcome to round three of the Raffi Torres bowling ball photoshop gallery. If you’re new to this series, I recommend starting [...]

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