As you are likely quite aware by now, Ryan Kesler has something of a habit of appearing behind people. Most of the time, he’s just sort of there, ruining interviews by filling the background with his trademark Keslurk smirk. But occasionally, he offers goods and services. Once, he offered Raffi Torres a piece of pizza, for instance. And in this odd little photo, the service appears to be a surprise back massage for Henrik Sedin.

Henrik recently became the highest-scoring Canuck in franchise history, so I guess you could say he earned it. He appears to be enjoying it, too.

New Van Fan is a web-series that follows the adventures of long-time Canucks fan Dan as he attempts to bring novice Canucks fan Andreas up to speed. The whole thing may or may not be an excuse to point out the inherent silliness of this fanbase — we’re not quite sure. Have an idea for an episode? Suggest it in the comments.

Unbeknownst to most, Jannik Hansen is actually a wicked sorcerer, one of the oldest and most powerful in Denmark. He’s kept his magic hidden for seven centuries, quietly escaping the Warlock Hunters of the Jutland Peninsula by assuming the form of a hockey player and coming to North America, but Saturday night, he had occasion to dust off the ol’ witchcraft. Sensing that his wife was about to go into labour, Hansen conjured a powerful storm that would ground the Canucks for 15 hours, giving him enough time to be present for the birth of his twin sons before heading over to Calgary.

But Hansen knew that the team would be thrown awry by the odd travel schedule, so he used a second spell to give himself an in-game boost and propel his team to a victory.

He registered two points through the magic, but then, unfortunately, his magic ran out early. You see, playing a full hockey game, becoming a first-time father, and manipulating the dark arts to summon inclement weather a province away tends to wear a sorcerer out, and by the time the third period of this one rolled around, Hansen’s tank was on empty. Sadly, he could do little but watch as the rest of his team ran out of gas as well, and the Flames pulled ahead for good. Same goes for me — not because I’m a weary sorcerer, but because I watched this game.

Just one day after being reminded that waiver claims can and do happen when the club lost Revelstoke native Aaron Volpatti to the Washington Capitals, the Vancouver Canucks have decided to act on their newfound knowledge, claiming winger Tom Sestito from the Philadelphia Flyers.

What sort of player is Sestito? Well, he’s 6’5″, 230 lbs., with 149 penalty minutes in 34 NHL games. He once fought 3 times in a game versus the New York Rangers. In the AHL, he had 867 penalty minutes in 180 games. Sounds like a skill winger.

Or a big guy that punches people. To make room for Sestito, Andrew Ebbett has been met at the airport and told to turn around.

Spitballin’ (or Super Pass It To Bulis: All In, if you love adventurous acronymizing) is a feature that allows us to touch on a multitude of things really fast, because in the world of hockey, there are always lots of things to find and colour. Here are a few topics that deserve mention.

Manny Malhotra skated with the Canucks Wednesday afternoon, a move that, just like last time, sent many Canucks fans into the sort of panic they exhibit when something doesn’t make sense. (Why is he skating if he’s gone forever? Didn’t the Canucks neuralyze him and send him back into the world? What’s happening?)

But the explanation was very simple. Malhotra may not play any more games this year, but he’s still going to skate with the team on occasion, since they aren’t a threat to catch him with a blind-side head shot. Wednesday was one such occasion, especially as the Canucks found themselves in need of a 12th forward after waiving Aaron Volpatti and giving Ryan Kesler the day off because of his broken foot.

HOLD ON. WHAT.

Feel free to let that sink in one more time: Ryan Kesler has a broken foot. In fact, Ryan Kesler has had a broken foot for almost a week. He broke it three games ago, last Thursday in Dallas after blocking a shot, but the team just discovered it today. Thus, according to Alain Vigneault, Kesler will be out “a little while”.

Mired in a two-game losing streak, the Vancouver Canucks decided it was time for some bold moves Wednesday. To that end, they announced that Aaron Volpatti has been placed on waivers, and I say good. Volpatti’s done nothing in three of the last five games. Total no-show. I mean, sure, you can say he’s been a “healthy scratch”, but if injures aren’t an excuse, then neither is health, am I right?

That was a dumb joke.

The move makes room on the roster without risking a defenceman to waivers, a wise course of action considering the team’s early good fortune when it comes to injuries on the backend appears to be normalizing. Kevin Bieksa has recently gone out with the first Vancouver blueline injury of the year, and if this team’s history is any indication, others are likely to follow. That in mind, they can’t just be waving their NHL depth defenders around, willy-nilly, asking if anybody wants one.

Of course, the question is, for whom are the Canucks making space? The recently-waived Andrew Ebbett made the most sense, until Bob McKenzie mentioned a different name in explaining the roster move.

Don’t despair just because the Canucks didn’t win this game. In fact, it’s good that they didn’t. Hear me out: In 2010, the Canucks were blown out by a Central Division team — the Chicago Blackhawks, in a 7-1 debacle — then went on to face the Phoenix Coyotes in their next game. They played much better, but still lost. But then they got their act together and immediately went on a run that culminated in a Stanley Cup Final appearance!

Wouldn’t you know it, just two nights ago the Canucks were blown out by another Central Division team — the Detroit Red Wings, 8-3. And here they are in their next game, versus the Phoenix Coyotes. Again, they lost. But this can only mean that history is repeating itself and they’re definitely going on another Cup run this spring. There’s no other conclusion to reach. Rejoice, friends, just as I did when I watched this game!

With realignment rumoured to be on the horizon, this may be the final year the Vancouver Canucks get to reap the benefits of playing in the Northwest Division, the lamest party of five since season five of Party of Five. It’s a truly abysmal hellscape of a grouping, with one team team in contention and four teams that, through the first third of the season, are decidedly not.

At the time of this writing, the Canucks are the only Northwest team that isn’t amongst the league’s 10 worst teams. And in the Western Conference, only the futility of the Columbus Blue Jackets prevents the Northwest from occupying spots 12 – 15.

How bad is it? Colorado, Minnesota, Edmonton and Calgary are all sitting at about 17 points through 17 games. Supposing they keep up this pace, they’ll all finish below 50 points. If 50 points is all it takes to win the Northwest Division, the Canucks would need just 13 more wins. There are 30 games remaining.

New Van Fan is a web-series that follows the adventures of long-time Canucks fan Dan as he attempts to bring novice Canucks fan Andreas up to speed. The whole thing may or may not be an excuse to point out the inherent silliness of this fanbase — we’re not quite sure. Have an idea for an episode? Suggest it in the comments.

Perhaps you watched the last Vancouver Canucks game, a 1-0 victory over the Nashville Predators, and you said to yourself, “Well, they got the win, but goodness gracious, that was boring.” Perhaps you lamented a game where the Canucks kept their mistakes to a minimum, shelved the shenanigans, and nursed home a tidy little shutout victory for Roberto Luongo because it was bland.

If so, you are to blame for the karmic blowback that was this game. You wanted action? You got it. You wanted shenanigans? Have at you. You were saying something about the blandness of low-scoring games? This bad boy had 11 goals, and some of them were so, so stupid. The universe gave us this game for complaining about the last game. I watched this game.

Henrik Sedin has two goals this season, and neither are a result of the Canucks’ Captain making the choice to shoot. In both instances, Alex Burrows has made the choice for him with late, unexpected return passes that leave Henrik with no room and no choice but to do anything other than put the puck towards the goal.

This is the rub when it comes to the Sedins, and Henrik especially: sometimes you have to force the issue. Henrik Sedin has led the NHL in assists for three years in a row. He’s a pure passer; passing is his jam. If he were on the Price is Right Showcase Showdown, he’d pass twice.

We saw yet another example of Henrik’s pass-first mentality Thursday night when he spearheaded a full, two-minute session of keepaway in Dallas. When the Stars went down a man one second before the two-minute mark, it became apparent to Henrik that, in order to nurse the Canucks’ one-goal lead home, all he and his teammates had to do was maintain possession for 120 seconds. No shooting. All passing. Here’s Henrik living the dream, as the Canucks’ powerplay trolls the Dallas Stars.

The last time the Canucks saw the Dallas Stars was seven days ago, on the night Henrik Sedin passed Markus Naslund to become the Canucks’ all-time leading scorer. The Stars ruined everything that night, however, storming back from down 3-1 to ensure that Henrik’s big moment came in a big, embarrassing loss.

Safe to say the Canucks didn’t forget. They had revenge on the mind, and they weren’t satisfied simply to stick Dallas with a loss. They were staging a full on do-over. Thus, they gave the Stars an early goal to ensure the victory would come from behind. Then, after they were safely in the lead, they gave Dallas a late one to ensure the game finished 4-3, just as last time (but this time around, in their favour). This game was an elaborate revenge plot. I watched this game.

Nine days ago, we introduced you to “New Van Fan”, a web series in which Canuck booster “Dan” attempted to teach his buddy “Andreas” the ins and outs of cheering for Vancouver’s local hockey team.

But secretly, this show isn’t just for the noob. The first episode featured valuable advice even for the long-time Canucks booster. “Don’t panic,” Dan told Andreas. “You’re going to want to panic. Don’t panic.” It’s true. Keeping an even keel is difficult for anybody rooting for the boys in blue and green. Canucks fandom throws keels askew. It’s an irregular keel you’re looking for, cheer for this team.

Anyway. Since then, we watched episode one, Dan and Andreas have already starred in episodes two and three. This show is being burned through like the last episodes of an NBC sitcom the network no longer likes. So let’s catch up.

Jannik Hansen has already avoided discipline on one hit from behind this season, when he cross-checked a referee off the opening draw in San Jose. “I don’t think I even realized what I had done or who I had done it to at the time,” Hansen said after the game. His eyes fixed on Ryane Clowe, Hansen shoved the first body in between him and his target. It was referee Dave Jackson.

But somehow, Hansen escaped that incident without so much as a talking-to from anyone on the on-ice crew.

Will he be second time lucky? That’s the question the hockey world is asking after Hansen perpetrated another hit from behind Tuesday night in Chicago, when he and Blackhawks’ star Marian Hossa came together at centre ice, the puck overhead like hockey mistletoe, only have to have their contact end not with a kiss, but with a nasty forearm shiver that forced Hossa from the game with a suspected concussion.

Henrik Sedin became the Vancouver Canucks’ all-time leading point-getter Friday night, collecting his 757th career point when he threaded a filthy pass to Alex Burrows for a second period one-timer. It was an incredible moment, one marred only by two small hiccups: first, the Dallas Stars would storm back with three unanswered goals to ensure that the feat occurred in a loss. Second, the aftermath of the historic point saw no stoppage in play for a good three minutes. The fans responded with a standing ovation in the meantime, which was cool, but when that stoppage finally came, Sportsnet went to commercial, which was less so.

As a viewer at home, it was frustrating to have to leave the party.

But if you’re still ruing that moment, we’ve got two things to help you. The first is an incredible, uninterrupted video of the entire sequence following Henrik’s record-breaking point, filmed at nearly ice level. The second is an explanation of why you were watching ads while the Rogers Arena crowd was watching Trevor Linden and Markus Naslund salute the man that had bested them.

Nolan Baumgartner was preparing for his 17th season of professional hockey when the Canucks approached him with a better idea: retire, they said, and we’ll help you transition into coaching.

“I wasn’t gonna retire at all,” Baumgartner told us back in October. “I was gonna play a a few more years.”

Instead, Baumgartner seized the opportunity, which would allow him to get in his first reps as a coach in a great situation, as part of an organization he respected and under a coach he admired in Scott Arniel. Sure, he might have been able to play a little longer, but if coaching was in his future, this was a head start he couldn’t pass up. So Baumgartner retired, shifting from the Chicago Wolves’ blueline corps to their coaching corps.

I suspect the Vancouver Canucks are hoping the Manny Malhotra situation will have the same happy ending. Here’s a guy that has already shown the leadership, intelligence, and skill necessary to move behind the bench. He’s run drills for the team before. He’s mentored and instructed prospects on defensive positioning, posture and faceoffs. The organizations believes Malhotra’s got all the necessary tools to coach, and, since they also believe he no longer has the necessary tools to play the game safely, it would appear they believe now is the time to make that transition.

But Malhotra doesn’t appear to feel the same way.

Last last month, Alex Burrows wowed everyone with an audacious shootout move versus the LA Kings, attempting a forehand spin-o-rama on Jonathan Quick, followed by a couple of late jukes and a seeing-eye snapshot just inside the post. Of course, it wasn’t “Wow, that was nifty,” so much as “Wow, that was embarrassing.” The move failed completely when Quick refused to bite — ironically — and Burrows wound up looking pretty darn foolish.

It was an eminently mockable move, and the hockey world took full advantage. Even Roberto Luongo joined in on Twitter. On Sunday, however, it was Luongo’s turn to look foolish and get mocked.

There was a centenarian in the crowd Sunday night, and before you picture a Roman or a man with a horse for a butt, I remind you that a centenarian is someone that’s been alive for a century. Yes, 101-year-old Herb Dawe was in attendance at Rogers Arena, taking in his first ever Canucks game.

At first this made me smile. But I kept thinking about it as the game continued. I thought about it as the Canucks jumped out to an early lead, squandered it on two separate occasions, pressed beautifully in the third then gave up a goal against the run of the play, wasted two powerplay opportunities, scored the game-tying goal, then lost the game in a shootout. It was all very stressful and in the end, disappointing.

Dawe has lived a Canuck-free life for a century, and after a game like this one, I hypothesize that this is probably why Dawe has lived for a century. I’m pretty sure I lost years off my life when I watched this game.

Many in Vancouver have spent the past few days debating the atmosphere in Rogers Arena. It’s too corporate, some said. It’s not lively enough, other said. But, as it turns out, it’s not difficult to get the crowd on its feet. All you have to do is become the Canucks’ franchise scoring leader. Easy.

That’s what Henrik Sedin did Friday, picking up the two points he needed to match and surpass Markus Naslund during a five-minute stretch in the second period versus the Dallas Stars. It was a pair of assists that earned Henrik the title, because of course it was.

By now, you’ve no doubt heard that our beloved Vancouver Canucks are looking to make a change to the song that scores their journey from the tunnel to the ice at home games (often less cumbersomely described as the “entrance song”). For years, the boys in blue and green have been skating out to the tune of U2′s “Where the Streets Have No Name”, but recently, they announced that they were in the market for a new ditty, and they put it to the fans.

Now, I’m not the biggest U2 fan in the world, but I was happy with “Where the Streets Have No Name”, primarily because I didn’t hate it. Lord knows any move to replace the song ran the risk of swapping it out for something I truly loathed, especially since the sort of music typically used to psych up crowds tends to be fairly vapid (the music of Andrew W.K. a stark exception), and the Venn diagram of music I like and music the average sports fan likes crosses over at “some rap” and that’s pretty much it.

Well, sure enough, the Canucks have announced six finalists, and my nightmares have become reality. Seriously, my parents may as well have killed Freddy Kreuger — that’s how much my nightmare has become reality. The six finalists have been announced. They’re mostly bad (“Welcome to the Jungle”? Isn’t that a little obvious?), but one of them is beyond bad. One of them is Nickelback’s “Burn it to the Ground”.

You go with that, Canucks, and Pass it to Bulis becomes a Whitecaps blog*.

In sports, the secret to keeping the media off your back is simple: play well. Like, really well. Do that, and there’s really nothing anyone can do to criticize you. Heck, stupid as it sounds, the things you do and say that would otherwise be criticized will probably be held up as a reason you’re succeeding.

Being a Canucks fan isn’t simply about cheering for the Vancouver Canucks.

I mean, that’s a huge part of it, since not cheering for the Canucks basically assures that you can’t call yourself a fan. But if you’re boosting the Canucks with no knowledge of the team whatsoever, you run the risk of being called a bandwagon fan. It’s something that we try to deal with annually in our bandwagon fan cheat sheet, which gives new fans (and even those brave enough to admit they’re bandwagoning) a quick primer on the Canucks’ roster. You learn name, nicknames, things to say, things not to say. By the time you’re done, you’ll seem like a dedicated fanboy, even if you just got on board.

But there are other ways to get to know the team closely. You could, say, watch a lot of games. Or read this blog every day (which you should totally do anyway). Or, you could undergo the rigorous training program laid out in new web series “New Van Fan” from upstart video team the Frecklebombers.

The Canucks came into this game riding a 4-game win streak. The Flames came into this game playing, well, the way the Calgary Flames play nowadays. They’re simply not a good team anymore, and they’re especially not a good team when their centre depth is so depleted by injuries that their first-line centre is their first-line winger.

Of course, the worst injury the Flames are dealing with is in goal. Miikka Kiprusoff is out with a lower-body issue, so Leland Irving was in with a full body issue, the issue being that his body doesn’t get hit by pucks as often as Kiprusoff’s. The Canucks were able to use that to their advantage, putting 5 unanswered goals past Irving in the final two periods. Not unanswered, however, is the question of whether or not I watched this game.

Roberto Luongo was the guest on Hockey Night in Canada After Hours Saturday night, and as you might have guessed, it was must-watch television.

This interview had three things going for it from the start. First, the Canucks won, so Luongo was guaranteed to be in a good mood. Second, Luongo spent the entire night sitting on the bench, so you know he was ready for a little banter. And third, Scott Oake is notorious for awkwardly asking the questions you’re not supposed to ask. Typically, if he’s been told he’s not supposed to ask something, he just asks it like this: “I know I’m not supposed to ask this, but I have to ask.” It’s super subtle.

Sure enough, it all came together, resulted in what one might argue was the best of many great Canuck performance on After Hours. Watch and enjoy.