Trevor Linden has a big job ahead of him. I’m not talking about his new role as President of the Vancouver Canucks, mind you, although that certainly is a challenge. After all, the rookie president is now tasked with delicately balancing the three heads of power around him — new GM Jim Benning, new coach Willie Desjardins, and shadow owner Francesco Aquilini, who would prefer to have his message filtered through the mouth and supple lips of Mr Linden.
Linden is also tasked with remodelling a stale Canucks team in the hopes of returning them to the Stanley Cup Final, perhaps this fourth time as the victors. But even that’s not the big job I’m talking about.
Instead, I refer to Linden’s Friday afternoon task of seizing his Twitter account back from the bug or hack or whatever it is that has him tweeting gently pornographic chat recommendations to his followers like some sort of E-pimp. In honour of Linden’s retired 16, here are the last 16 seconds on his timeline:
Who is lickitysparks8, Trevor, and can she centre the Canucks’ second line? That’s all we care about. Additionally, does her usage of the number eight corroborate the rumours that Jim Benning isn’t all that high on Chris Tanev? Because that’s his number.
I’m also intrigued by hotspank3. Is it secretly Kevin Bieksa under a pseuodonym? He wears the number three. Are you trying to connect me with Kevin Bieksa so we can talk hockey? (Come to think of it, if Linden suddenly recommended chatting with “strombone1″, it wouldn’t look out of place in this spam attack at all.)
Linden’s account is currently tweeting one of these chat proposals every four seconds or so. It’s kind of amazing.
Granted, it’s not entirely unwelcome. Linden is unassailable in this town, which is why he’s been made the new face of the team. Some people would follow him to the ends of the earth and back, like this guy, who was introduced to one “deluxetasy3″:
@trevor_linden okay. I will Trevor. By the way I believe that you will turn the canucks around
— Larry Craig (@larrycraig201) July 25, 2014
I will, Trevor. I will chat with deluxextasy3, and even deluxextasies 1 and 2, if you say so. I will chat. You know I’ll chat. I’ll chat on crutches. We are all Canucks, deluxextasy3 included.
All this said, maybe Linden hasn’t been hacked at all, and he’s just trying to give the people what they want: hot singles in their area. It’s like that letter he sent to the season ticketholders, except even more personal. If Trevor Linden helps you get down, you pretty much have to buy a half-season package.