Eulogy: Remembering the 2013-14 Colorado Avalanche

I was invited by Yahoo Sports’ hockey blog, Puck Daddy, to write their farewell to the Colorado Avalanche this season after they were knocked out of the playoffs in the first round by the Minnesota Wild. Please enjoy.

Congratulations, Colorado, on dragging out the inevitable. As you hang up your sweaters, that appear to have been designed by the world’s most boring 8-year-old, you can look back at your playoff run and feel proud of almost winning a round.

You had your fans high on nostalgia to start the season, with Joe Sakic in charge in the front office and Patrick Roy behind the bench. Rumoured plans to hire Peter Forsberg as head trainer were scuttled when the 40-year-old Swede reported he was training for one more comeback attempt.

Now you’re just high geographically and on legalized marijuana, as nostalgia has gone awry, like adding noses to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

It’s been over a decade since the Avalanche were at all relevant in the NHL, so it’s understandable why you would want to recapture some of that former glory. It almost worked. Instead you became the only division winner to get knocked out in the first round.

You should have known better.

After all, adopting a team slogan like “Why not us?” was just asking for trouble.

Why not us? Oh, there are so many reasons.

Let’s start with the obvious: You’re just not that good.

[CONTINUE READING ON PUCK DADDY]

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8 comments

  1. Chris the disarmingly charming Curmudgeon
    May 2, 2014

    That was the funniest article I’ve read on Yahoo Sports in ages. Of course, that’s not saying much…

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  2. dave
    May 2, 2014

    You should do an article on how the canucks will never win the Stanley Cup

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    • shoes
      May 6, 2014

      Dave……dave….ur mullet is showing.

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  3. doc
    May 2, 2014

    As a fan, I was actually looking forward to our eulogy. We had plenty to make fun of — how could you not even mention “balls on the table?!” Not use Roy pushing over the glass? Not use the Roy confused face gif? So, kinda disappointed.

    Not to mention, the core of the article, trying to use advanced stats to say the Avs are awful is pretty poorly done. I agree the D sucks. One of the least talented groups I’ve ever seen — and we have sucked a lot for the last 5 years. The Avs give up a horrific amount of shots. I don’t think any Avs fan would disagree — if the ES SA issue isn’t solved, the Avs will be much worse next year. Varlamov may be good, but Vezina type years aren’t something to count on.

    But our shots generated was right about average, and the ES shooting percentage was high, but not way out in the tail like Anaheim’s. Chicago has averaged nearly the same shooting percentage at ES over the last 3 years as the Avs did this year. Is their shooting percentage unsustainable? Of course not — if your offensive talent is there, there’s no reason this shooting percentage can’t hold up, and I think everyone agrees the Avs have a great forward group. I don’t really get the point about unsustainability here.

    You’re not accurate about the PP either, it was very average, 12th in GF/60. And even if it was good, high scoring power plays are quite sustainable statistically — look at Washington the last couple years.

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  4. Noses on Turtles!? Terrible
    May 3, 2014

    What the? Noses on tmn turtles?! AND Megan Fox doing that weird, wooden talking thing that only she does, instead of acting… no, no, no, this is not good, this is not good. AND its produced by Michael Bay, who has never rebooted anything without making it awful… why are we constantly recycling the questionable artistic choices north america made in the 80s? Lets make some new stuff and leave my childhood memories alone!

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  5. Kenji
    May 5, 2014

    I don’t get the snark. Did the Avs steal your lunch money when you were a kid?

    They way overachieved this year and brought some excitement back to their fans and to the league by playing high-skill forwards.

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    • Daniel Wagner
      May 5, 2014

      The snark is the entire point of the eulogies. I have no beef with the Avs, personally, but Puck Daddy’s eulogies are meant to be a roast.

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  6. Kenji
    May 5, 2014

    Oh. Okay then! Good job!

    Me not reading enough Puck Daddy lately!

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