When the second period came to a close, the Canucks led this game 3-0, having outshot the New York Islanders 19-13, and looking far and away to be the superior club. It was then that I made a grave mistake. Believing the result of this game to be all but assured — why, who could blow a three-goal lead to this hapless Islanders team, I thought — I started writing. By the time the intermission was over, I had produced my intro:
The Canucks accomplished something they’ve only accomplished one other time in 2014: they won their second consecutive game. There are similarities between these two winning streaks, too: in both instances, the Canucks notched their first win over the Calgary Flames, and their second over a team that was statistically worse.
For months now, we’ve been wondering what’s wrong with the Canucks, and now that we have two marginal win streaks to look at, it’s clear what needs to be done: the Canucks need to play worse teams. Put another way: they need to be better than the other team more often. How we didn’t think of this before is beyond me. But it finally dawned on me when I watched this game.
Six minutes. That’s how long before this original intro was wiped out, along with the Canucks’ unassailable three-goal lead, easily assailed by the Islanders, who were ahead by 6:22 of the final frame.
I had to adapt. My thought was a self-referential intro that quoted the original intro, then explained that I had to scrap that intro, and finally, closed with this:
In the process, I learned a valuable lesson: never count these Canucks in. That’s what really dawned on me when I watched this game.
But then the Canucks tied the game, so I started writing another intro, even more meta than the second:
I originally wrote an intro for this game. Here is that intro:
The Canucks accomplished something they’ve only accomplished one other time in 2014: they won their second consecutive game.
But then I scrapped that intro for another intro:
In the process, I learned a valuable lesson: never count these Canucks in.
And now I have written a third intro, and it is the history of my intros through which you have just been led.
But then the Islanders took the lead again, so I scrapped the third intro and started writing a fourth intro that didn’t reference any of the previous intros, except to let you know that they had been written, and then sacked. This my final draft of the intro:
Kill the Canucks. Kill them with fire.
I watched this game.
Canucks 4 – 7 Islanders
- That said, I have to be honest: I’m glad I watched this. We’re seeing the Canucks implode in an historic way right now. We’ll tell our kids about this. We’ll memorialize this in verse: The Canucks were good and then they weren’t / and soon all of Vancouver burnt / But three years on, they dropped so far / That no one cared to flip a car.
- Let’s start at the beginning. The Canucks scored the first goal in this game thanks to Chris Higgins, who shovelled in a rebound on a powerplay after a Jason Garrison shot hit the post. He celebrated with reckless abandon, letting the snot flow from both his nostrils like twin snot geysers (which is, as it happens, what some are calling the Sedins these days). Either that or he just got way too excited in the group hug. We know how much Kiss Huggins likes to snuggle.
- Early in the second, the Canucks doubled their lead thanks to Henrik Sedin, of all people. The Canuck captain notched his first goal since the 14th of December, banking one in off Evgeni Nabokov at the side of the Islanders goal. It was the most Henrik goal imaginable. He never shot the puck. He passed it to Nabokov, then whispered, “You’re Daniel”. Then, when Nabokov bumbled the tap-in, Henrik added, “…from two years ago”, and Nabokov put the biscuit home.
- You’d have thought that goal cured the Canucks. They looked completely in control after that, so much so that they actually repeated their scoring play from the first period, and saw similar success. This time it was Alex Burrows putting the puck off the post before Kesler cleaned up and made it 3-0. Then the team huddled together so Kesler could apologize to Burrows privately.
- A win seemed assured at this point. Can you imagine how bad a team you’d have to be to drop a three-goal lead to the Islanders? I mean, even if they did claw their way back, it would take them ages to — sorry, I’m receiving a transmission. One second…. I’ve been informed that the Islanders scored four more times while I was setting up this joke.
- Ten seconds later, the Islanders scored again and then the Canucks turned the crowd and laughed and laughed and laughed. Psych! shouted Henrik Sedin, slapping his hand on his knee and laughing maniacally. Then he ate a baby, like a young Abraham Lincoln.
- Through two periods, this game had some positives: Nicklas Jensen looked good. Eddie Lack looked good. But then Lack surrendered six goals and Jensen took two minor penalties, the second of which exacerbated the Canucks’ third-period collapse, so that’s what you guys get for believing in anything.