The Paper Feature: 10 crazy things the Canucks might do at the trade deadline

Today is the trade deadline and, for the first time in a long while, we might see some major deals in Vancouver. Not the awesome kind, mind you.

While the Canucks certainly still have a chance to make the playoffs, when you add Daniel Sedin’s injury in the Heritage Classic to the team’s goalscoring woes, things look awfully bleak. Thus, it would be perfectly understandable if the Canucks cut their losses and became big sellers at the deadline, retooling and rebuilding towards the future.

In that light, Ryan Kesler’s rumoured trade request is a blessing in disguise, giving Mike Gillis a perfect opportunity to break up the core of this team without becoming the villain in the same way Mike Keenan did when he traded Trevor Linden.

Kesler getting traded wouldn’t be the only crazy thing that could occur at the deadline, however, as the Canucks are in position to make major changes and set the team up for the future. It’s time for Mike Gillis to go whole-hog. Now is not the time to go half-hog, Gillis, or even three-quarter-hog.

Here are 10 crazy things we could see today, with the likelihood of each rated out of 5 Bob McKenzies.

1 | It’s been said that everyone but the Sedins are on the trading block. Turns out we had no idea how true that actually was, as literally every single player on the roster, apart from Daniel and Henrik, gets traded for prospects and picks. The Timbits players scheduled to play during intermissions for the rest of the season are informed they will actually be playing in the games.

Likelihood of happening: 1 Bob McKenzie out of 5

2 | It’s well known that the Buffalo Sabres are conducting a fire sale, but they shock the NHL by trading Cody Hodgson back to Vancouver for a package including Zack Kassian and a third round pick.

Likelihood of happening: 0 Bob McKenzies out of 5

3 | As rumoured, Ryan Kesler gets traded for a blue chip prospect, a current NHL player, and a draft pick, but since the draft pick is a second round pick instead of a first round pick, Canucks fans flip out that it isn’t a big enough return.

Likelihood of happening: 4 Bob McKenzies out of 5

4 | Instead of accepting that change needs to happen, Mike Gillis goes all-in for one last run at the Cup, trading away Bo Horvat, Hunter Shinkaruk, Nicklas Jensen, Brendan Gaunce, Frank Corrado, and all of the team’s first round picks for the next 7 years for a bevy of rentals: Jaromir Jagr, Thomas Vanek, Matt Moulson, Ales Hemsky, Olli Jokinen, and Mike Cammalleri.

Likelihood of happening: 2 Bob McKenzies out of 5

5 | Finally understanding how much Canucks fans love their backup goaltenders, Gillis trades for Ilya Bryzgalov and has Tortorella immediately crown him the new number one goalie, making both Eddie Lack and Jacob Markstrom backup goaltenders, ensuring fans will love both of them equally.

Likelihood of happening: 3 Bob McKenzies out of 5

6 | Gillis reveals a secret clause in the trade agreement with New Jersey that made Cory Schneider a Devil: if the Devils aren’t in playoff position by the following trade deadline, the Canucks may choose to switch Lack for Schneider by adding a second round pick in the following draft.

Likelihood of happening: 1 Bob McKenzie out of 5

7 | After trading Alex Edler to the New York Rangers for a pastrami sandwich on rye, Gillis ruefully explains to the media, “You know how you should never go shopping on an empty stomach? Well…”

Likelihood of happening: 2 Bob McKenzies out of 5

8 | Every prospect acquired by the Canucks at the deadline is diagnosed with a non-life-threatening yet career-ending disease the very next day, causing every Canucks fan to nod sadly and explain to their friends that they “knew this was going to happen.”

Likelihood of happening: 4 Bob McKenzies out of 5

9 | Roberto Luongo is finally traded to the Florida Panthers, just like he wanted all along, getting Jacob Markstrom and Shawn Matthias in return, then Luongo wakes up, assumes it was all just a crazy dream, and shows up to Canucks practice like nothing happened.

Likelihood of happening: 4 Bob McKenzies out of 5

10 | After all sorts of fuss over core players like Kesler and Edler, the Canucks make a big splash at the deadline by trading Yannick Weber and a 3rd round pick for Antoine Laganiere from the Anaheim Ducks. TSN Tradecentre lauds it as one of the biggest deals of the day.

Likelihood of happening: 5 Bob McKenzies out of 5

Tweet Podium

This feature takes a moment to recognize the best tweets of the week, because we’re online-type writers and Twitter is an online-type thing. If you see a great Canucks-related tweet, send us a link. Or plagiarize it and bask in its glory. 

BRONZE

The Heritage Classic was hardly true to the game that inspired it.

SILVER

Mark Messier’s appearance as a Ski-doo pitchman on the BC Place JumboTron drew boos. Vancouver’s just not a Ski-doo town.

GOLD

“Most of” the day. That nicely leaves out the part where fans booed him. Eddie Lack is such a sunny optimist.

3 comments

  1. iain
    March 5, 2014

    No.7 made me laugh out loud, thanks guys,we need humour to leaven the stale bread that is our daily existence these days.

    please do a post telling us how Markstrom and Mathias are actually an ok return for the best Canucks goalie in history. i think we need such a post, urgently.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +5 (from 7 votes)
  2. Chris the Curmudgeon
    March 5, 2014

    Dude, I would love to get Laganiere for Weber. Please tell me you had a source for that apart from your ass.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Daniel Wagner
      March 5, 2014

      Nope. That one was purely ass-related.

      VN:F [1.9.16_1159]
      Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)