The Canadian team you cheer for just got a whole lot better overnight

The Vancouver Canucks dropped their seventh straight game on Saturday night, a 3-1 loss to the Toronto Maple Leafs. It was a game the Canucks led through two periods but, as has become all-too familiar over the recent months, that mattered very little once the third period Canucks hit the ice. The third period Canucks are terrible, just terrible. It makes one wonder if they pass through a magical hallway in the second intermission — one that transforms their very essence into a hapless, crappier essence.

In any case, the loss was their first to the Maple Leafs in over a decade, which one hopes is rock bottom for this team. It’s a nightmare from which we won’t soon wake up.

Actually, that’s not true. It’s real-life. But the next three weeks, with the Canucks off and Team Canada on, are going to be a beautiful dream. Consider: when you went to bed on Saturday night, the team you cheered for was, as they say, a poop spectacle. But when you woke up Sunday morning, you, like Roberto Luongo, had a new team, with no problems!

Let’s take a look at the Canucks’ problems, and the ways in which they’ve been addressed.

Problem no. 1: Distinct lack of first-line centres. 

This has been an issue for several weeks, as the Canucks lost Henrik Sedin to his first injury — or at least the first one he couldn’t play through — in over a decade. (Say, over a decade is how long the winning streak over the Leafs was! I move that Toronto gets an asterisk with this win.)

The loss of Henrik has been palpable. Daniel Sedin and Alex Burrows look completely lost out there with Jordan Schroeder, like they’re trying to figure out why Henrik Sedin suddenly lost half a foot, his beard, and the genome he shares with Daniel. Where did that genome go? How does one lose a genome overnight?

Fortunately, your new team is stocked with first-line centres. Take your pick. Jonathan Toews is here. How about Patrice Bergeron, Ryan Getzlaf, John Tavares? Or how about, oh, I don’t know, Sidney mother-flipping Crosby?

Problem no. 2: Ryan Kesler, your team’s leading goal-scorer, isn’t scoring.

Then get rid of him! His lack of offence is no longer your problem. He’s America’s problem, like obesity, gun control, healthcare.gov, bipartisanship, and a massive debt to China. In his stead, your team has acquired Jamie Benn, Jeff Carter, Matt Duchene, Corey Perry and, on a last-second lark, Martin St. Louis. Your team also no longer misses Mike Santorelli.

Problem no. 3: Dan Hamhuis is your best defenceman.

Now he’s your worst defenceman! How’s that for a slice of fried gold!

If the practice pairing are any indication, your new blue line features Shea Weber, who is finally on your team, and Duncan Keith on the top pairing, Drew Doughty and Marc-Edouard Vlasic on another, and Jay Bouwmeester with Alex Pietrangelo, as is tradition. Hamhuis will be the left-side reserve, and P.K. Subban the right-side reserve.

Problem no. 4: Your coach keeps trying to fight the other coach.

No longer a concern! Mike Babcock is as low-key as they come. Rather than a hothead, Babcock is an egghead, who has no time for a long-running feud with Bob Hartley — not with all this prepwork. Here’s Duncan Keith on playing for Babcock in 2010: ”Everything was laid out there for us when we got to the Olympics. We were very well-prepared in what we wanted to accomplish on the ice as far as our systems and the way we wanted to play as a team. It was also communicated to us very clearly about what the other team’s tendencies were, how they played their systems and the players on their team. That was one thing that stood out for me was how well prepared we were as players.”

Plus your new team doesn’t have Tom Sestito or Dale Weise on it, so there’s little to no chance a fourth line vs. fourth line opening faceoff results in five simultaneous fights.

Problem no. 5: If they lose, Roberto Luongo gets blamed for everything.

Actually, this is the same.

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12 comments

  1. krazymunky
    February 10, 2014

    brilliant.

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    Rating: +11 (from 11 votes)
  2. Lexie
    February 10, 2014

    My old team is Dale Weise free, too!

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    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
  3. Blueliner
    February 10, 2014

    Problem #5: TRUTH.

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    Rating: +8 (from 8 votes)
  4. steveB
    February 10, 2014

    Problem no. 5: If they lose, Roberto Luongo gets blamed for everything.

    Actually, this is the same.

    ouch, painfully true!

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    Rating: +9 (from 9 votes)
    • Andre
      February 10, 2014

      The reverse corollary, also true, is that Luongo will only play a minor role in any win or medal garnered during these games. As someone pointed out in a recent article on Lou, no one remembers the stop he made on a breakaway in overtime, 15 seconds before the end of the game. Instead, everyone remembers the goal scored by Crosby

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      Rating: +10 (from 12 votes)
      • mb13
        February 11, 2014

        That’s because that stop on a breakaway didn’t exist 15 seconds before overtime. There was no breakway, no matter how much you want to believe there was. Making stuff up – is that what it has come to for Lu-ser supporters?

        He made a routine about 20 seconds before Crosby scored. If he doesn’t make that save, he has no business playing goalie professionally.

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        Rating: -4 (from 8 votes)
  5. Dani
    February 10, 2014

    God bless Canada.

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  6. Kyle
    February 10, 2014

    Last line of the article just made me crack up so much. Brilliant.

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    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
  7. Naturalmystic
    February 10, 2014

    This team needs more Messier.

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    Rating: -1 (from 7 votes)
    • DanD
      February 11, 2014

      Couldn’t hurt to have the world’s greatest leader on the team :)

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  8. RG
    February 10, 2014

    Can we trade Duncan Keith for anybody?

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  9. Bhavin
    February 11, 2014

    “Problem no. 5: If they lose, Roberto Luongo gets blamed for everything.”
    Haha so true!

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    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)