When the Canucks lost 1-0 to the Los Angeles Kings back in mid-January, they didn’t seem all that worried about the score. They felt they had accomplished something more important in establishing a physical identity and standing up for each other as a team.
The only problem is that they didn’t follow up that moral victory with actual victories — the type that show up under the W column in the standings. Since there’s no M column for Moral Victories in the NHL standings, the Canucks have slid down to the second wild card spot and are close to sliding right out of the playoff picture altogether.
If the Canucks can’t manage actual victories, they should at least try to get something other than moral victories, so here are 20 other victories they can aim for throughout the rest of the season, with help from PITB’s amazing Twitter followers.
1. Arrange flowers with aplomb: floral victory.
2. Talk more trash than the other team: oral victory. – @yyjordan
3. Give money to save the Great Barrier Reef: coral victory. – @Steve_May
4. All of these great rhymes from Canucks fans: aural victory. – @aidanbc
5. Continue wearing their bright blue and green jerseys: auroral victory. – @offersheet
6. Pump more blood through their thighs: femoral victory.
7. As long as at least one Canuck wins gold in the Olympics: laurel victory. – @KentBaskyNM
8. Make the bed every morning: thoral victory. – @SirCanuckles
9. Explore the world with an inquisitive Latina girl: Doral victory.
10. Bring a goon out of retirement: Worrell victory. – @Steve_May
11. Continue travelling forward through time: temporal victory.
12. Write a second PhD thesis: postdoctoral victory.
13. Represent their constituents: Mayoral victory.
14. Retire from hockey and live the life of a shepherd: pastoral victory. – @BooferOC
15. Use the right synonym: Thesaural victory.
16. Eat more expensive and delicious mushrooms: morel victory. – @Moosekayak
17. Harmonizing with the anthem singer at the beginning of each game: choral victory. – @JustinTillyer
18. Serve Voldemort: Quirrell victory. – @doogie2k
19. Prevent travel diarrhoea while in foreign countries: dukoral victory. – @EmoRachael
20. Father Superman: Jor-El victory. – @doogie2kTags: Blogs are for lists, Questionable Comedic Content