This article was originally written at the beginning of December and ended with the following convoluted way for Alex Burrows to bust out of the slump he was currently mired in: “Get a writer to pen an article about your scoring slump on Monday that is set to publish Wednesday when you have a game on Tuesday, thereby tempting fate and ensuring a goal on Tuesday.”
The article was written on December 2nd and was going to be published on December 4th. That last joke was just a way to hedge my bets in case I jinxed myself by writing an article about a scoring slump that could have ended before the article was published. Instead, I jinxed Alex Burrows, who had his jaw broken by an errant clearing attempt by Chris Tanev in the middle of the second period.
I thought there was no way for Burrows’ season to get any unluckier, considering he had taken 49 shots without scoring a single goal. He proved me wrong. Now we’re 47 games into the Canucks’ season and Alex Burrows has yet to score a single goal.
Burrows’ scoring slump this season is so bad, it’s retroactively removing his past goals from our timeline. Slaying the dragon? Gone. His shorthanded goal in 2009 that broke the Canucks’ 8-game losing streak, turning their season around? Gone. Back-to-back hat tricks? Gone. The dream my wife had after those hat tricks, about her and Burrows paper quilling together? Never happened. Burrows would be wise to keep a photograph of the puck from his first NHL goal in his pocket, to ensure it doesn’t fade away, Back to the Future style.
Fortunately, Burrows will get the chance to bust out of his slump this Saturday in Calgary against the Flames, as he’s scheduled to return to action. The Canucks could definitely use him, as they’ve scored more than two goals just three times in their last ten games.
So, how can Burrows bump his slump? We here at PITB have a few tips for the beleaguered winger as he returns to the lineup.
1 | Virgin sacrifice.
The hockey gods must be appeased, but we’re not barbarians. Just pour out a bottle of extra virgin olive oil.
2 | Stickhandle into the offensive zone and any time anyone comes to check you, yell “Don’t!” and “Quit it!”
When you shoot the puck, yell “Don’t save this one!” at the goalie.
3 | Tell everyone, including yourself, that you’re actually Ryan Kesler.
Bam! You’re now leading the Canucks in goalscoring.
4 | Get some scoring tips from David Booth, Dale Weise, and Tom Sestito.
Sestito’s got the highest shooting percentage on the team right now, so he must be a lethal sniper, right?
5 | Play with better playmakers.
It’s the Sedins. The Sedins are slowing down your production, like they slow down everyone’s production. Friggin’ Sedins.
6 | Whenever you’re on the ice, constantly hold your stick in the air like you’re waiting for a one-timer.
Alternatively, keep your stick on the ice.
7 | Get Alex Steen to put your talent back into the magic basketball he used to steal it.
Steen is clearly one of the Monstars.
8 | Build your confidence by scoring an own goal.
You won’t get credit, but you’ll know it’s your goal.
9 | Blow the zone more often.
Sure, John Tortorella will yell at you, but that might inspire you as well.
10 | Take fewer shots?
But better shots. Everyone knows that shooting the puck too much is the number one cause of scoring slumps.
11 | Shoot from anywhere, including, if possible, from inside the net.
They’ll never see it coming.
12 | Play against the Calgary Flames and Edmonton Oilers more often.
The joke is that they’re bad at hockey.
13 | Want it more.
You just don’t want it enough.
14 | Break your jaw, thereby missing 20 games, so that everyone forgets you were in a scoring slump in the first place.
Oh wait, I just reminded everyone about it by publishing this article. Whoops.
This feature takes a moment to recognize the best tweets of the week, because we’re online-type writers and Twitter is an online-type thing. If you see a great Canucks-related tweet, send us a link. Or plagiarize it and bask in its glory.
Kassian rocking a Go Pro camera on his chest and stick. Finally we can see the wild stick swinging ways of Kassian in the first person
— Wyatt Arndt (@TheStanchion) January 11, 2014
Sam Gagner does not approve.
“Every time the Canucks goalie, Lou Roberts, made a stop, the crowd yelled “Lou. Lou.” It sounded like they were saying “Boo. Boo.””
— Hannah (@runaroundkid) January 11, 2014
An excerpt from “Breakaway”, a novel about a Canuck player wrongly accused of killing a Leaf player. Lou Roberts, you guys.
Zack Kassian is the oldest looking 22 year old ever. He’s like the movie Big in reverse or something.
— Feminist Killjoy (@alixiswright37) January 8, 2014
More like the movie “Jack”, but I agree.Tags: Alex Burrows, Blogs are for lists, Questionable Comedic Content, The Paper Feature