The Week Ahead: Goodbye, California; hello, Alberta!

Every Wednesday we take a look at The Week Ahead to see what storylines we’ll be following, because Wednesday is a day meant for looking ahead to the future. Around here we call Wednesday “Future Day” and we all wear silver jumpsuits and big bubble space helmets. Doesn’t everybody do that?

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Tom Sestito a ‘boxing hobo on skates’, according to Keith Olbermann [VIDEO]

In the third Mighty Ducks movie — an unheralded classic, if you ask Daniel, who claims it’s the best of the trilogy because it’s the truest to actual hockey or some garbage — the new coach, Ted Orion, chews out his squad after the Ducks squander a nine-goal lead. (Again: truest to actual hockey, says Daniel.)

“How long does it take to score a goal?” He asks. “LESS THAN A SECOND!” He’s mad about something.

But do you know what else you can do in less than a second? Win someone the PIMs category in a fantasy head-to-head. On Monday night, in his first shift of the evening, Tom Sestito went after LA’s Jordan Nolan off the faceoff, and after Nolan turtled, Sestito was handed a whopping 27 minutes in penalties.

In Vancouver, this eventful second earned praise. After all, Sestito was doing his job, exacting revenge on Nolan for a run the Kings’ enforcer took at Henrik Sedin. But elsewhere, Sestito’s ability to turn one second into a half hour earned some serious mockery. Tuesday night, Keith Olbermann labelled Sestito the world’s worst person in sports.

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The Paper Feature: 14 ways for Alex Burrows to bump the slump once he returns

This article was originally written at the beginning of December and ended with the following convoluted way for Alex Burrows to bust out of the slump he was currently mired in: “Get a writer to pen an article about your scoring slump on Monday that is set to publish Wednesday when you have a game on Tuesday, thereby tempting fate and ensuring a goal on Tuesday.”

The article was written on December 2nd and was going to be published on December 4th. That last joke was just a way to hedge my bets in case I jinxed myself by writing an article about a scoring slump that could have ended before the article was published. Instead, I jinxed Alex Burrows, who had his jaw broken by an errant clearing attempt by Chris Tanev in the middle of the second period.

I thought there was no way for Burrows’ season to get any unluckier, considering he had taken 49 shots without scoring a single goal. He proved me wrong. Now we’re 47 games into the Canucks’ season and Alex Burrows has yet to score a single goal.

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