The Paper Feature: Other winter sports for the Canucks

The Vancouver Canucks learned Tuesday that they would be sending a grand total of seven players to Sochi’s Olympic hockey tournament. As expected, Roberto Luongo will be tending the crease, much like he did for the 2010 club, and Dan Hamhuis manage to infiltrate the bubble on which he’d been situated since the summer, earning an invitation thanks to his strong play to end 2014 and his left-handedness.

Team Sweden selected Henrik and Daniel Sedin, the former of whom will be wearing an “A” for his country, perhaps in a bid to help their coach tell the two apart from the front, and Alex Edler. Last week, Ryan Kesler was invited to Team USA. And Yannick Weber has been invited to join the Swiss defence, which has as many holes as the nation’s cheese.

If you want to get technical, Canuck prospect Ronalds Kenins, who may or may not be two people, both of whom are named either Ronalds Kenin or Ronald Kenins, is also going to Sochi. He’ll be repping Team Latvia.

So we’ll say eight Canucks are on their way to Russia for the biggest international hockey tournament since the birth of Blue Ivy Carter. But enough about them. What are the rest of the Canucks supposed to do while they’re away?

Sure, they could go on a vacation or take some time to let their nagging injuries heal. Or they could find another way to Sochi — another sport. I mean, let’s be honest. These guys are natural athletes. It shouldn’t take much for them to take up and excel at some other Olympic event. Here are a few suggestions:


A reminder, for those that forget this is a real sport: the biathlon is a mix of cross-country skiing and rifle shooting. It’s perfect for Booth. We already know he’s a pretty good marksman, although he might struggle with targets that aren’t alive. He certainly does during NHL games, which I think is why he seems so determined to hit the goalie most of the time. Stop aiming for the heart, David. Anyway, only weirdos do the biathlon, and I think we can all agree that Booth is that.


It’s right up his alley, and not only because it’s a sport for the calm, cool, and collected, but because it’s the sport Tanev’s gentle shot was made for. This guy’s not going to blast one past anyway. Just he might be able to gently slide one to the button.


Hansen would excel on the short track. He’s very fast, for one thing, so he’s already got that going for him. But more than that, this is a sport where the athletes spend most of their times with their hands tucked behind their back. That’s ideal for Hansen, who doesn’t really have hands anyway.


Do you know what you need to be the biggest luger? Guts. Guts encased in a rock-solid midsection. I think we can all agree that Higgins has what it takes.


I know, I know. They’re already going to the Olympics as hockey players. But they aren’t busy every day. And who better to succeed in awkward sport of two-man luge than two guys that clearly mind spending time in close proximity to one another? After sharing a womb, I bet they’ll find the tiny sled downright roomy. Or maybe it will remind them of their time in utero, meaning they find it… wait for it… womby.


Much like the luge calls for incredible abdominal strength, the moguls call for insane calf muscles. Perhaps you didn’t know this, but Jason Garrison’s got freakish super calves. It looks like his calves swallowed tennis balls:



The guy fights for a living, so he clearly has very little regard for his head. Why not play the sport where you shoot down a sheet of ice at speeds of 130 kilometers per hour, head first?


What do Eddie Lack and the 50 km cross-country course have in common? Long legs. Heyo! (Disclosure: this entire column was an excuse to make that awful, awful joke.)


Because of his grace, beauty, nobility and dignity on the ice, obviously.


Tweet Podium

This feature takes a moment to recognize the best tweets of the week, because we’re online-type writers and Twitter is an online-type thing. If you see a great Canucks-related tweet, send us a link. Or plagiarize it and bask in its glory.


Hey! That’s…totally true.



Like Luongo, I thought Sestito was a lock. His speed would be a massive asset on the big ice on Sochi.



Shame on Team USA for taking role players over skilled players like Sestito. There’s always Pyeongchang 2018.

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  1. prdx2222
    January 8, 2014

    Sorry, but Garrison’s calves look like they belong to a geriatric tennis player! Never seen such ugly calves. Where is the muscle definition? What’s with all the lumps?

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    • Kippers
      January 8, 2014

      Varicose veins — most likely due to strenuous exercise. Garrison is a workout freak, probably on the levels of David Booth. I remember in a pre-season video of some teammate joking about Garrison working out a ton and having better abs than Chris Higgins.

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  2. Chris the Curmudgeon
    January 8, 2014

    That Megalodon guy sure has a hard-on for the Canucks (sorry to be crude). All of his “playoff flop, Canucks are too old” material comes across as so much pot/kettle nonsense anyways.

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