Like Bilbo Baggins in the Fellowship of the Ring, the Canucks looked like butter scraped over too much bread. The Canucks appeared to spend all their available energy in the first period and spent the rest of the game making like the Seawall in a windstorm, just sitting there, withstanding wave after wave.
Considering I just compared the Canucks to a tiny hobbit who spent a lot of time being completely invisible and an inanimate object that massive numbers of people walk all over every day, you can probably guess that this game didn’t go too well for Vancouver. It would have gone a lot worse, however, if not for the efforts of Eddie “Electric Sex” Lack, so named because his legs are sexier than a leg lamp with a fishnet stocking on it.
Lack made save after save, but must have forgotten to put in the Konami code at the beginning of the game, as he ran out of saves at the last second. I wish I had played Contra, but instead I watched this game.
Canucks 3 – 4 Ducks (OT)
- This game seemed like it was written by Samuel Beckett or Jean Genet, as it was a prime example of Theatre of the Absurd. For example, Roberto Luongo wasn’t available to backup Eddie Lack due to an injury suffered against the Kings, leaving the Canucks scrambling for a last-minute backup, signing 43-year-old Rob Laurie, who has filled in for the Anaheim Ducks in practices, to a one-day contract. Midway through the second period, Lack got flattened by Kyle Palmieri, and the camera cut to Laurie on the bench, furiously chewing gum like he had run out of ass.
- Even more absurd, however, was the emergence of Tom “Lord Dragaunus” Sestito, who was promoted to the second line with Ryan Kesler and Zack Kassian. This seemed like the worst idea ever until Sestito nearly scored on his first shift. I mean, he only threw the puck towards the goal from a terrible angle and nearly deflected in off a defender, but for Sestito, that’s a quality scoring chance.
- I didn’t think I could get any more surprised, but then the Canucks got a power play and Sestito skated on the ice. With the Sedins, Kesler, and Jason Garrison. Yep, Tom Sestito on the first power play unit. This couldn’t possibly end well.
- Just a minute into the Canucks first power play, with Sestito screening in front, Henrik sent a pass across to Kesler at the top of the left faceoff circle, and he hammered the one-timer like it was a Stone Man from Saturn. 1-for-1 on the power play with Sestito on the first unit.
- Later in the first, the Canucks got another power play and, again, with Sestito screening, the Canucks scored. This time, it was Henrik slamming a slap shot towards the net, where it deflected off the stick of Team USA Olympian Cam Fowler and past Hiller. 2-for-2 on the power play with Sestito on the first unit. Tom Sestito, power play specialist. I mean, his speciality is being big and opaque, but those are pretty good qualities to have when your job is preventing someone from seeing something.
- Sestito’s impact on the game didn’t end there. In the second period, he lined up a hit on Hampus Lindholm, but missed, spinning wildly and roundhouse kicking Zack Kassian in the face. Kassian dropped like he was it and it was hot. His nose was spurting blood and he seemed dazed. He left the game and didn’t return. Keep an eye on Sestito: if he “accidentally” injures Jannik Hansen and Mike Santorelli next, you’ll know he’s gunning for the top line.
- Since Sestito is now clearly too valuable to fight, Brad Richardson took on the role, tussling with Kyle Palmieri. Richardson acted like a proper goon, too, fighting when up by two, a time when you don’t want a shift in momentum, and when David Booth was rushing up ice with Jannik Hansen, hoping for a scoring chance.
- The Canucks were absolutely dominant in the first period, out-shooting the Ducks 12-to-5. The Ducks out-shot the Canucks 44-to-8 through the rest of the game. I haven’t seen ducks dominate someone so thoroughly since Huey, Dewey, and Louie wiped the floor with their uncle in The Hockey Champ.
- Santorelli had a rare bad game, missing two open nets that could have given the Canucks an undeserved win. Worse, he missed his check, Saku Koivu, on the Ducks’ first goal, allowing him to convert after a Kevin Bieksa turnover. After the game, he missed a garbage can with balled-up hockey tape, missed out on a high-five when he left Zac Dalpe hanging, then missed the team bus to the airport.
- As Jean K. Jean would say, Eddie Lack was incroyable. He made 45 saves, some of them spectacular, and was the only reason the Canucks earned a point. Lack carried the Canucks to overtime and nearly to the shootout and yet somehow wasn’t named one of the three stars of the game. You might say that Lack had his teammates’ back.
- While I would never say that scoring a goal is a bad thing, the timing of the Canucks’ go-ahead goal in the third period wasn’t ideal. Just a minute in, Kevin Bieksa embraced his inner Messala and whipped the puck towards the net. It found its way through traffic and snuck just inside the post. Unfortunately, gaining the lead so early in the third led to the Canucks collapsing into a defensive shell again. Out of gas after a tough game against the Kings the night before, the Canucks seemed to stop even trying to get the puck into the offensive zone.
- It seemed inevitable that the Ducks would tie the game, but thanks to Lack’s goaltending and some desperate defence, the Canucks actually seemed to be holding them off. Then Jason Garrison failed to get the puck out of the zone on a basic clearing attempt. The puck found its way to a wide open Nick Bonino, whose shot ticked off a sliding Bieksa and waffled past Lack. It was such a failure to execute basic hockey that John Tortorella could only laugh and execute a picture-perfect facepalm. Wait, I mean gif-perfect facepalm.
- For once, the Canucks actually wanted to get the game to the shootout, as they had little chance to win in overtime on tired legs. It looked like they were in the clear, getting the puck out of the defensive zone while killing a penalty with just 7.6 seconds left. Unfortunately, exactly 7 seconds later, Corey Perry snuck in behind the defence, then snuck the puck through Lack’s legs — his normally so reliable legs. Lack’s legs were the last thing I expected to come up short in this game. Seriously, they’re so long.
, Eddie "Electric Sex" Lack
, Eddie Lack
, I Watched This Game
, Tom "Lord Dragaunus" Sestito
, Tom Sestito