Weird Crafts: show your Canucks love with garters and pasties

The Tossing of the Garter is one of the oddest wedding traditions in Western culture. Who exactly decided it was a good idea for the groom to go rooting around under his bride’s dress and remove an article of clothing in front of her parents?

And why is the garter then thrown to a whole bunch of single men? I caught the garter at my brother’s wedding and only later realized that it was really weird that I had what was essentially a piece of my sister-in-law’s lingerie. This was somewhat disconcerting.

In any case, if you’re going to participate in this tradition at your own wedding, you may as well go the extra mile and get a quality handmade garter. If you’re a hardcore Canucks fan, and if you’re reading this blog there’s a good chance you are, you can even show your fandom by putting a Canucks logo on your upper thigh, embellished with satin and lace.

How, you ask? The answer, as it usually is when it comes to weird crafts, is Etsy.

No fewer than four different garter makers on Etsy have created Canucks designs, because you need to show your husband that he will always come second in your life when he lifts up your dress. Really, it’s a perfect match: dudes love sports and dudes love women’s upper thighs, so put those two together.

This might be a good solution, actually, for the rabid Canucks fan whose parents (or groom) won’t let her wear a jersey on her wedding day. On the outside, you’ll be the perfect bride in the white wedding dress, but inside you’ll know that you have an angry whale wrapped around your leg.

This is my favourite of the four, a classy, understated number from The Bridal Garter Shop that uses the darker blue of the Canucks logo paired with a simple white. The large white bow, however, dominates the Canucks logo itself, however, to the point that it gets a little lost.

You’ll notice that there are two garters included, which is true for all four garter makers. One is a keepsake garter, while the other is meant for tossing. Regrettably, the garter meant for tossing does not have improved aerodynamics or a weighted end to help it fly straighter and farther.

If you want to go with proper Canucks colours on your garter, this one, from Garters by Kristi, is for you. Personally, I find it to be a bit much, but at least it will double as “something blue”.

I think what throws me off is that it’s missing a white stripe so that it properly matches the Canucks jerseys. Or maybe Kristi should have gone with the home whites instead, using the blue and green as accent colours, though, to be fair, I don’t really know what I’m talking about.

“Here is a sports garter that is flirty and fun!” declares the description, which also says “GO Canucks !!!!!” which comes off as disingenuous when you see that she has over 100 other hockey-themed garters for other teams.

Lollie Couture offers a couple different options: the modern orca or the classic stick-in-rink. The blue on both is a little too dark, but it stands out the most on the stick-in-rink garter, which also has a green that is a touch too rich. The blue on the whale garter is closer to the blue on the logo, so you end up with a more cohesive-looking garter.

Yes, you just read the phrase “cohesive-looking garter” on a hockey blog.

Unlike the other sellers, Lollie Couture includes the phrase “hockey garters” in the details of this product, which will really confuse anyone who winds up on her page while looking to buy an actual hockey garter belt.

Then there’s this garter set from Sew Unique Garters, which doesn’t look quite right. She has a fabric application of the original whale logo that debuted in 1997 with the reddish-maroon and navy jerseys, featuring an orca that appears to have bleeding gums.

That would be all well and good if it was on a reddish-maroon and navy garter, perhaps labelled as a retro Canucks garter (if the late-90′s and early-00′s can be considered retro). Instead, the ribbon colours are the bright blue and green of the current Canucks jerseys, clashing pretty badly with the red on the logo.

As a result, I’m not really sure that this garter is as “Perfect for the Canuck Fans!” as the description claims.

Finally, one more item that has nothing to do with garters, really, but I stumbled across it on Etsy and couldn’t resist adding it to the post. Ladies and gentlemen, Canucks pasties:

How better to show you love the Canucks then covering your nipples — and only your nipples — with their team colours?

These pasties from Nearly Nude Creations are handcrafted from sequins and felt, but regrettably don’t come with white towel tassels to honour Roger Neilson. I do like, however, the one ring of white sequins in-between the blue and the green, making the colours nicely balanced.

In order to tie this into the wedding theme of the rest of the post, these pasties would make a pretty fun gift at a bridal shower and the more adventurous bride could wear them under her wedding dress to provide an extra surprise for her Canucks fan husband. Just an idea.

Alternatively, you could combine these pasties with a pair of the garters above and a “Go Canucks” thong from Canucks Underwear and become a Canucks-themed stripper or burlesque dancer. You could call yourself Lexy Burrows, Tony Tatas, or Kiss Huggins.

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8 comments

  1. Taco
    December 12, 2013

    Hmm.. I think these need to be modeled to appreciate the full effect. Could I suggest a Canuck garter and pastie photo contest?

    And I mean these pretty hockey garters and not those ugly sweaty hockey garters. Don’t say I don’t know how your readers think!

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  2. Naturalmystic
    December 12, 2013

    I am sure Aquilini will release the hounds, er, his lawyers after every entrepreneur you mentioned in this article.

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  3. Noodle
    December 12, 2013

    “One is a keepsake garter”

    Ew…I’m not a prude, but what the heck does that mean? Am I supposed to frame it? Anyways, it’s a weird wedding tradition that I will not be doing when I get married.

    “These pasties from Nearly Nude Creations are handcrafted from sequins and felt, but regrettably don’t come with white towel tassels”

    This was the weirdest and best sentence I will have read this week.

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  4. J21
    December 12, 2013

    No doubt that first pair of garters is the classiest, but unfortunately they — like so much Canuck merchandise and the team’s cotton-pickin’ logo itself — are not in team colors! I still want to slap the design guy who didn’t think the logo needed any green in it.

    Also, I call “passing off” on those pasties. There’s no logo — that could very well be the old Dallas Mavericks or Seattle Seahawks for all we know.

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  5. dontpassjustshoot
    December 12, 2013

    Tony Tatas? Wait, who’s Tony?

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    • Daniel Wagner
      December 12, 2013

      That would be a reference to Canuck great Tony Tanti. In retrospect, I should have gone with Toni Tatas.

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  6. Gary
    December 12, 2013

    Is Lollie Couture Logan’s sister?

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  7. Tom
    December 12, 2013

    Great intro graphic.

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