Canucks in ugly Christmas sweaters: our ten favourites

Incredibly, Henrik Sedin pulls this off.

The Canucks’ annual Dice and Ice event is always a source of mirth and blog fodder, and this year’s event, held Wednesday night, was no exception. If you haven’t seen the video of the team’s quartet of rookies providing backing vocals for Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You”, for instance, you should probably go ahead and do that.

But the highlight of the evening, in this guy’s opinion, were the ugly Christmas sweaters the Canucks donned for the occasion. A few of the photos made the rounds late last night, thanks to Roberto Luongo:

 

And underrated Smylosophere contributor Bure’s Triple Deke:

There were many ugly Christmas sweaters, however — not to mention ugly Christmas vests. The Canucks debuted the whole winter collection in a fashion show and, because there is a God, many photos were taken. On Thursday, the team shared a gallery of promenade. Here are our 10 favourites.

10 | Roberto Luongo

“It looks like a slot machine threw up on him,” said Dale Weise, who was asked to provide commentary on each of the photos. That pretty much sums it up. I’m a big fan of the bears that line the bottom of the sweater. Keep this thing away from David Booth. And speaking of Booth…

9 | David Booth

Honestly, this isn’t a terrible sweater, but who’s idea was it to give Booth the one covered in moose? Look at his face. He can hardly contain himself. My guess is that, as soon as this picture was taken, he instantly started looking down at his collar and making that murder-chortle sound that cats make when they see a bird at the window.

8 | Daniel Sedin

We’re going to assume that, when the Sedins were offered their choice of sweaters, Henrik took the nice one and Daniel was left this with awful, awful vest. Or maybe Daniel ripped the sleeves off to look tougher? If so, bad news, Dank: it’s tough to look tough when your sweater features actual, functioning mittens-on-a-string sewn onto the front of it.

7 | Jannik Hansen

I’m amazed that someone wearing a sweater this stupid can still look so menacing.

6 | Kevin Bieksa

It’s even tougher to look tough when you’re wearing a women’s sweater. I’m pretty sure that’s what this is. Either that or it’s just women-inspired. This looks sort of like someone drank a whole bunch of sangria and then threw up on a navy blue cardigan. But Bieksa is wearing it. Look at him pop the elbow. Sassy.

5 | Eddie Lack

I’m not convinced that Eddie Lack even knew there was an ugly Christmas sweater fashion show planned when he showed up to the event wearing this.

4 | Ryan Kesler

Best thing about this sweater: no two snowmen are alike, just like the snowflakes in between them, and of which they’re comprised. Dale Weise believes this is “hands down the worst,” but that’s only because he missed the visual metaphor. This sweater is deep, you guys.

3 | Jordan Schroeder

Where has Jordan Schroeder been all year? My best guess, after looking at this photo, is up at the North Pole assembling toys. He looks like an actual elf, is what I’m saying.

2 | Zack Kassian

Not so for Kassian. He looks like your uncle that gets out of prison and accompanies you to the school Christmas pageant. “You sit next to Uncle Zack,” you’re told, and you do it, but you really don’t want to, because he’s soooo scary. “Wanna see my scars I got from ‘Nam?” He says. You really, really don’t.

1 | Alex Burrows

And speaking of the school Christmas pageant, Alex Burrows looks like the kid that gets the drummer boy solo. Holy cow. He looks nine. The sweater is bad enough, but that boyish smile, complete with the braces, completes what is, undoubtedly, the best photo of the bunch.

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Harrison Mooney is the co-editor of Pass it to Bulis at The Vancouver Sun. Have a tip? Email him at harrisonmooney@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter!

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21 comments

  1. Scout
    December 12, 2013

    This is the best. The captions from Dale in the Canucks gallery were spot-on and hilarious. This post is the cherry on top!

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  2. Scout
    December 12, 2013

    The best. This is the only good thing about Burrows breaking his jaw – braces enhance ugly Christmas sweaters.
    The captions from Dale in the Canucks gallery were spot-on and hilarious. This post is the cherry on top!

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    Rating: +4 (from 6 votes)
  3. Jamloops
    December 12, 2013

    Kesler’s collar tuck is the new Gretzky sweater tuck.

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  4. Bookie
    December 12, 2013

    Mr. Kassian appears to be appealing to a passing trucker to blow his horn.

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  5. dontpassjustshoot
    December 12, 2013

    The actual best is in the family photo shot, when the twins end up in the matching sweaters. Matching sweaters with scalloped necklines. Actually, I think about half the sweaters in the gallery are women’s sweaters, and these men pull it off.

    I think the sedin sweaters are the best/worst, because they are genuine ugly Christmas sweaters. Grandmas still buy patterns with magnificent epic scenes like that and consider the completed item a technical masterwork, with all the colour changes and so on.

    Most of the others are modern, newfangled, “ironic” ugly Christmas sweaters, with felt applique work. But whoever designed the Sedin sweaters – I actually think they meant it.

    That family photo is great – hands on shoulders and all. Our family has one like that – it looks like Mom is being restrained forcibly by her daughters.

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  6. cookiemonster
    December 12, 2013

    Staring at the Schroeder picture, trying to figure out what he’s holding in his right hand. Handle of a cane?

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    • vancan19
      December 12, 2013

      He has European crutches in both hands which are more like canes. He’s injured remember….

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  7. Gary
    December 12, 2013

    Kesler’s in/out collar trick makes him look like he needs his mum to dress him properly

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  8. Chris the Curmudgeon
    December 12, 2013

    How is the same sweater “the nice one” on Henrik Sedin but “this stupid” on Hansen? Though I have to agree, Hansen looks like one mean SOB in that pic, sweater and all.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      December 12, 2013

      Well, the sweater is stupid on Henrik too. But he pulls it off.

      The bigger question here is why are Henrik and Hansen are wearing the same sweater? SCANDAL.

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      Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
      • akidd
        December 12, 2013

        if kassian thinks he’s going to elbow his way onto the sedin line with some simple face-hair moves he’d better think again. hansen is connected.

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      • Bookie
        December 13, 2013

        Daniel was wearing the matching sweater until Jannick mugged him for it backstage. Hence, Daniel was forced to run to the thrift store for a last minute replacement, and on the way back he ripped off the sleeves to keep people from messing with him.

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  9. cathylu
    December 12, 2013

    After seeing these photos my holiday season is now complete.

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  10. Noodle
    December 12, 2013

    The family photo style pose of the 5 guys + the Sedins wearing matching sweaters. I can’t handle how adorable/weird that looks.

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    Rating: +7 (from 7 votes)
  11. Warpstone
    December 12, 2013

    I think a large part of what makes Burrows look so creepy there is the weird marionette pose he’s in. Like a slightly psychotic Pinocchio…

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  12. mac 'n cheese
    December 12, 2013

    SO MUCH HOLIDAY GOLD.
    Bieksa wears that lady sweater like a boss.

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  13. tj
    December 12, 2013

    I can’t believe the amount of joy I’m getting from these photos.

    -Lu, Kess and Bieksa’s pics look like Sears Christmas catalogue shots
    -Booth’s sweater should be peppered with red wine stains for ‘accuracy’
    -Dank’s looks like even the mitten strings are trying to cycle
    -Hansen looks like his wife made him wear it and he’s gonna need a lot of Christmas schnapps to calm the heck down
    -Shreds and Burr look like they’ve just walked in from a grammar school Christmas pageant (or the kid’s section of the Sears catalogue)
    -Uncle Kass just got caught threatening the kids with a knuckle sandwich and is pretending he’s teaching the kids to sign ‘A’…
    -And Lack just looks like the cleverest of the bunch, with his double-entendre ‘Believe’ sweater

    Yep. Like I said: too much joy…

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  14. Naturalmystic
    December 12, 2013

    Kassian: I don’t want a large Farva, I want a G-DM litre of cola!

    Kessel looks like a surly/suicidal Radio Shack(The Source) employee.

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    • mac 'n cheese
      December 13, 2013

      Aha! A subliminal Leafs mistake! ;)

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    • Chris the Curmudgeon
      December 13, 2013

      Litre is French for GIMME SOME F-IN COLA

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      Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  15. akidd
    December 13, 2013

    burrows, kassian and schroeder look like they shared a special xmas party treat just before the catwalk…schroeder looks like he’s still holding the last puff in. “Hey, where did you guys go?…what’s so funny?” asks kesler.

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