Dear Gary Bettman, and to whomever else it may concerns, because it definitely concerns me,
The Pacific Division is too hard.
There. I said it. It’s just too hard. There are too many good teams in it. It’s too competitive. I don’t like it. I don’t think anyone else likes it. I think you should fix it.
I mean, Gary, dude, have you seen this division you created? It’s a gauntlet of terror. It’s like classic NES game Battletoads. But harder. Consider: at the time of this writing, there are four teams in the NHL that have scored 60 or more goals. Three of those teams are in the Pacific Division. Three!
And speaking of three, there are three teams in the Eastern Conference with 11 wins. But in the Pacific Division alone, there are five. Five! That’s two more teams, although I probably didn’t need to tell you that. I know you’re pretty good at math, since we saw how you fleeced the players during the last lockout — and kudos on that, by the way. Way to go. This isn’t sucking up or anything, by the way. I’m just a big fan of your work.
But while I have your attention, Gare Bear — can I call you Gare Bear? — I’m thinking another realignment is in order. I think we can all agree that this one just isn’t working. First there’s that whole business with the Metropolitan Division. What kind of stupid name is that? Whatever bozo — oh, that was you? Good call on the Metropolitan Division. You solved a difficult problem with that catch-all term.
As for the rest of it, though, it’s time to change it up. Like, I get it — you’re trying to make the geography and the time zones work and all that, but that’s hardly a hard and fast rule. You’ve got the Florida teams in the Atlantic division. There’s a little wiggle room here.
And, I mean, sure, you finally got the Detroit Red Wings and the Columbus Blue Jackets out of the West and into the East. Way to go there. I know they’ve been nagging you about that for years. But have you looked at the Eastern Conference lately? It’s embarrassing. The Canucks would be tied for first place in the East. Instead, they’re fourth in their Division. Columbus has 12 points. Luckily, they’re in the Metro division, where that’s only six points out of a playoff spot.
Remember during the summer when people looked at the West’s 14 teams, then looked at the East’s 16 teams, and complained it was going to be easier to make the playoffs in the West? I think we can all agree that was a smokescreen designed to make you miss the free ride you were giving the East.
You’ve been duped, Gary. Columbus and Detroit saw that the East was easier, and they wanted in. They’re probably laughing at you right now. No one laughs at Gary Bettman. No one.
The only answer here is to re-realign.
Here’s what I’m thinking: bring back the Northwest Division. Or Vancouver, Calgary, and Edmonton, at least. Looking at the Colorado Avalanche’s record, they’re thriving in a more central division, and we’d hate to mess with a good thing there. They can stay. Maybe in their place you can send over, I don’t know, Buffalo? A change of scenery might do the Sabres some good. It’ll mean some long flights for them, but that just means more time to go over game tape, and I think we can both agree that they could use more time to go over game tape.
The Wild can stay out too. They’re flourishing in the Central. Maybe Winnipeg instead? They’ll be right at home among the other Canadian teams. I think it’s a good fit — good, Canadian division. Don Cherry will love it.
Admittedly, that’s a pretty soft division. But I think it’s fairer, don’t you? Gary. Listen. The San Jose Sharks have picked up points in 15 of 17 games. They’re in third place in this division, and six points out of first. Six! That’s insane. You don’t want this. Nobody wants this.
I’ve asked around town, and it’s nearly unanimous: we want a new division. If you care about the Canucks at all, and I know you do, you honestly do, you’ll consider taking another crack at realignment, placing the Canucks in a division where an even goal differential is more than acceptable, and 11 wins after 20 games means something again.
Because this is too much. It’s too hard. It’s not what we’re used to over here and I don’t think you should let it continue.
Looking forward to hearing your positive response,
This feature takes a moment to recognize the best tweets of the week, because we’re online-type writers and Twitter is an online-type thing. If you see a great Canucks-related tweet, send us a link. Or plagiarize it and bask in its glory.
Who had Brad Richards and Brad Richardson tied at 5 goals at this point in the season? Nobody. Nobody had that.
— Cam Davie (@offersheet) November 8, 2013
You mean they’re not the same guy? Oh man, I have to go change my fantasy lineup.
— Karan Bajaj (@kb_91) November 8, 2013
John Tortorella loves two things in life: dogs and blocked shots. If dogs could block shots, Tortorella would die from happiness.
I don’t know why the Sharks didn’t just keep on banking in goals off of the boards, the back of the net, then the crossbar, then off Luongo
— Wyatt Arndt (@TheStanchion) November 8, 2013
I thought it was a viable strategy. Not sure why they went away from it.Tags: Questionable Comedic Content, The Paper Feature