Guest Post: Canucks 2013-14 season preview, by Fear the Fin

There have been some big changes for the Canucks this offseason, but the one that could have the most impact is realignment, which brought an unfortunate end to the crack den that was the Northwest Division and threw the Canucks into the far more functional and together Pacific Division. Bummer.

But let’s not dwell on what’s lost. Let’s look to the future and meet some of our new divisional buddies! We’ve invited a stable of Pacific Division bloggers to preview the Canucks season, the new division, or their own teams for us here at Pass it to Bulis, and over the next week, we’ll be sharing the results with you. (Warning: most of them chose to roast us, which is probably what we would have done.) Next up: San Jose Sharks blog Fear the Fin.

by Fear the Fin

I tried. I tried to break the mean-spirited mould of this series and offer the Vancouver Canucks a compassionate, kindhearted welcome to the Pacific Division. After all, our teams are slated to be neighbours until the Coyotes move to Quebec City in five years and another realignment takes place for the foreseeable future so patching up and making peace after last spring’s contentious playoff series seemed to be the sensible thing to do. But the more I tried to think of nice things to say about the Canucks, the clearer it dawned on me that I just couldn’t do it.

The Vancouver Canucks are an embarrassment to hockey.

Sure, the simultaneous arrival of the Edmonton Oilers and Calgary Flames to the Pacific Division should technically focus my mockery elsewhere. After all, both teams look to be worse than the Canucks heading into the 2013-14 season with new Edmonton GM Craig MacTavish astutely replacing injured centers Sam Gagner and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins with notable skilled pivot Steve MacIntyre while the Flames seek to answer the age-old question “can a team featuring Matt Stajan and Lee Stempniak as prominent scorers make the playoffs?” If the post-lockout Maple Leafs are any indication, the answer is a pretty definite no.

But the Oilers and Flames boast storied histories that include inspiring tales of blissful championship victory. Edmonton has won it all five times with future Canucks star/lawsuit plaintiff Mark Messier at the helm on each occasion. What the Flames lack in quantity they more than made up for by winning their Cup while having a dude with a really awesome moustache on their team. Meanwhile, the pitiful Canucks have never drank from Lord Stanley’s Cup. I can’t even imagine the indignity of remaining Cup-less while your two closest geographic rivals taste championship glory. It must be infuriating. No, wait, that’s not the right word. The right word is hilarious.

Of course it’s not like the Canucks have never won an NHL award. Far from it. Who can forget their last President’s Trophy, followed by a speedy first-round exit at the hands of a Southern California team? Again, the embarrassment associated with that sequence of events is completely unfathomable to me as a Sharks fan. But it was perfectly emblematic of the sorry state of a Canucks franchise which has continually teased fans and media members with promising regular season success only to fall flat on their collective face in worse fashion than a Ryan Kesler dive in the playoffs. I can assure you that none of your new Pacific Division rivals share that shameful profile.

Another thing no other Pacific Division team can be accused of is relying on an aging, past-their-prime, over-the-hill core of proven playoff underachievers. Canucks GM Mike Gillis is once again foolishly putting his faith in a trio of veterans all on the wrong side of thirty whose best days are far behind them and who never have and never will win anything of consequence. Sure, one of them has claimed a Hart Trophy as league MVP and all three have won Olympic Gold Medals. But none of that matters in the face of their continued failure to etch their names on Lord Stanley with their current club. Seriously, what kind of incompetent GM and backwards-thinking franchise builds their team around losers like these three for years and years on end? It just reeks of desperation and an inability to let go of the past.

So welcome to the Pacific, Vancouver, but remain forever aware of your uniquely pathetic status and realize that you won’t find a team, not one, in your new division capable of empathizing with your woeful history.

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44 comments

  1. HlinkedIn
    September 30, 2013

    The first two of this series were witty and decent. I’m not sure about this one.

    Maybe this guy’s got an enormous sense of self-mocking irony, since everything here accurately describes the Sharks. Or he’s just a douche.

    Maybe Chris our NoCal Curmudgeon can help…is this sparkling irony from a known source of wit? Or just an unredeemed pukefest of trolling by invitation?

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    • thatsthejoke.jpg
      September 30, 2013

      > Maybe this guy’s got an enormous sense of self-mocking irony, since everything here accurately describes the Sharks.

      ….seriously? That WAS the joke. *woosh*

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      • Hlinked In
        September 30, 2013

        OK good. I’m glad that was the joke. I’ll have to raise my expectations for California hockey bloggers. My apologies, Fin.

        (this is what I get for reading anything more challenging than The Province so early in the morning).

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        Rating: +11 (from 11 votes)
    • Chris the Curmudgeon
      September 30, 2013

      I may live in NorCal but I bleed Canucks blue and hate the teal with a zealous passion.

      But yeah, I always thought the parallel’s between the recent history of the Sharks and the Canucks was pretty striking. This guy’s pretty obviously a Shark fan with a good cynical, self-deprecating sense of humor and PITB readers shouldn’t be taking the bait (cause, you know, that’s what Sharks do..yuk..yuk..yuk). IMO this one was significantly better than Megalodon’s which was really just a bitter string of insults.

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  2. peanutflower
    September 30, 2013

    PITB, I’m struggling to see what the point of these “guest” posts is. It’s like rubbing salt into the proverbial wound. I for one don’t need to read this on what I thought was a sacrosanct Canucks page — I can take PITB being honest about the Canucks and Canuck fans failings from time to time, but this is too much. I protest. I’m not reading PITB again until this whole “guest” thing is over. You can let me know when it’s done.

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    • EllynBleu
      September 30, 2013

      ** I protest. I’m not reading PITB again until this whole “guest” thing is over. You can let me know when it’s done.**

      Thank you Peanutflower! Well said!!

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    • peanutflower
      September 30, 2013

      I guess I’m just not in the mood for metaphoric sarcasm…

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    • ChubbliesDad
      September 30, 2013

      I wonder how Harrison and Daniel feel about being called “sacrosanct”?

      I love the Canucks, warts and all – and I think the Fear the Fin piece is awesome. You guys may have short memories (and I thought us old guys were the forgetful ones?) but there was a of of talk in 2011 about the Sharks vs. Canucks for the Conference Final – the whole “first cup” story for both teams was compelling and drew a lot of comparison between the two teams.

      And if you want a salve for your “wounds”… that series was won by the Canucks 4-1.

      Good fun guys, keep them coming.

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  3. Kyle
    September 30, 2013

    “I can’t even imagine the indignity of remaining Cup-less while your two closest geographic rivals taste championship glory. It must be infuriating. No, wait, that’s not the right word. The right word is hilarious.”

    This is absolutely rich coming from a San Jose fan.

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    • Nael M.
      September 30, 2013

      As Rainier Wolfcastle once famously said, that’s the joke.

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      Rating: +21 (from 21 votes)
    • Harrison Mooney
      September 30, 2013

      That’s the joke.

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      Rating: +26 (from 28 votes)
    • tom selleck's moustache
      September 30, 2013

      “This is absolutely rich coming from a San Jose fan.”

      I think that’s the whole point; he’s roasting his own team while roasting us by highlighting the similar narratives that both team are subjected too.

      Quite honestly, I’ve, by and large, enjoyed the guests posts; I haven’t taken it as being malicious or mean spirited, just an opportunity for some smack talking and laughing a bit at ourselves. Sure, some have been better than others; but I’ve been fine with it so far.

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      • tom selleck's moustache
        September 30, 2013

        Oops, beat to the post.

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    • AB
      September 30, 2013

      I think you may have missed the joke…

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      Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
    • Kyle
      September 30, 2013

      This is what I get for reading this before I have a morning coffee. Wow, really wasn’t paying attention to what I was reading.

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      Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
  4. EllynBleu
    September 30, 2013

    **We’ve invited a stable of Pacific Division bloggers to preview the Canucks season, the new division,**

    I don’t understand the point of this invitation – these are divisional rivals, why would they say anything constructive or positive. I don’t come on this site to read negativity and mockery at Canucks’ expense. And I certainly don’t want to read their comments which are uninventive, uninspiring and non-creative.

    And, has PITB been invited onto their blogs to roast their teams, as strongly as they have roasted/maligned/slammed the Canucks?

    What goes around, comes around ….

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    • John in Marpole
      September 30, 2013

      “comments which are uninventive, uninspiring and non-creative”, here it looked like you couldn’t recognize self-mockery, then you pull off an outstanding example of it yourself.

      You meant to do that, right?

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  5. Brosef Stalin
    September 30, 2013

    At first I was mad reading this, then I realized that the writer is deliberately ripping on the Sharks just as much as he is the Canucks. Hell, just replace every instance of Oilers/Flames with Ducks/Kings and Canucks with Sharks etc and it’s basically the same story. The Sharks ARE the Canucks of SoCal. Welcome to the anti-promised land, friends, and kudos for the great troll post. I would expect nothing less from the team employing Joe Thornton as captain.

    10/10 would read again

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    • FIFY
      September 30, 2013

      “The Sharks ARE the Canucks of SoCal”

      Yup, just like how the Canucks ARE the Sharks of Alberta.

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      Rating: +19 (from 21 votes)
  6. Sarcasm, seriously
    September 30, 2013

    Most of the readers noted that inviting a fellow blogger to comment on the Canucks will not be constructive, and have pointed out the Sharks blogger have pointed out comments that could similarly be directed at his own team.

    Did anyone stop to think that, perhaps that is the point the writer is trying to prove? That the Sharks blogger was commenting ironically on the state of their team from recent years? I thought this post was very well written, and quite ingenuous.

    There’s way too much angst around these parts, and the season hasn’t even started yet. Since when have we became Toronto-west, when everything was about “me”? Just re-read the post and note the “tongue-in-cheek”ness of it all, and you shall find it’s all in good fun.

    Cheers!

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    Rating: +18 (from 18 votes)
  7. The Real Kyle
    September 30, 2013

    I have grown weary of the guest posts as well. There is a reason that I visit PITB – witty, original and well written material. This is not common on the internets and blogoshpere and by posting guest material you are being pulled down to the lowest common denominator. I look forward to more articles from DW and HM.

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    Rating: -3 (from 17 votes)
  8. Peachy
    September 30, 2013

    This series is awesome. This post is the best yet; the others were simply roasts, this one included sophisticated elements of irony and self-awareness.

    Please ignore the curmudgeons (except for Chris) who appear to have a vendetta against humour.

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    Rating: +15 (from 17 votes)
  9. Jeremy
    September 30, 2013

    I’m seriously embarrassed that I missed the joke altogether on the first read — second time around was hilarious. Well played…

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    • Peanutflower
      September 30, 2013

      I missed it too. I was predisposed to miss it. Set up to miss it.

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      Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
  10. meetyourmako
    September 30, 2013

    Nice write-up douchenugget. maybe you didn’t think that everything that you said about the Canucks here applies your own shitty Sharts team. next time maybe do a little research before you start spouting shit on somebody elses website. Mooney, what is the point of all these guiest posts? So far there all from a bunch of pussy geeks who probably don’t even watch hockey cuz their too busy jerking off at the beach or getting high colonic anal enimas. I bet noone of them have even played hockey. last thing we need is a to start inviting trolls on our websits. this is just a lazy grab for content. Maybe get someone whos actually watched a hockey game who know ssomething about their own team to write a post next time.

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    • Pukeko
      September 30, 2013

      Is this the “inception” of trolling?
      A troll within a troll about trolling?
      Who’s side am I on anymore?!

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    • Chako Mika
      September 30, 2013

      Ha ha, had me for a second, but then I thought no one this stupid would use “high colonic anal enimas” Very funny. As for the guest post series I think it’s great to get ataste of other bloggers takes. If they weren’t witty/funny/sarcastic people, they probably wouldn’t have been invited. It’s funny that so many missed the joke, or couldn’t handle a bit of ribbing. As Canuck fans, the ability to laugh at ourselves and the team is therapeutic if not downright mandatory!

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  11. akidd
    September 30, 2013

    it seems like that joke bounced off the stanchion and everyone lost sight of it…except for kevin and shorty….

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    • bobcolenotdead
      September 30, 2013

      Perfect deflection

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  12. Iceman
    September 30, 2013

    Well first I got ticked off reading the post, just like many others here, as it seemed to be just another pointless Canucks bashing in almost troll-like fashion. But as I was reading through the last paragraph I thought ‘Wait a minute…’ and then read the entire article again from the beginning. Then I understood this is a very shrewd (albeit still poking fun at the host) attempt at mocking at his own team. A nice piece of work — although the underlying joke could get lost easily in translation as evidenced by a number of angry comments above.

    This is now getting better. The only thing I still hope for is PITB also making a guest appearance on these guys’ blogs and show them “This is how it’s done!” And when you do, please also let us know so that we can enjoy the piece as well :-)

    … Can’t wait for the season to begin!

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  13. Sean Z
    September 30, 2013

    Fear The Fin trolling for the win! Well done!

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    Rating: +6 (from 6 votes)
  14. Gordietee
    September 30, 2013

    Is anyone else having trouble seeing the article? All that comes up on my screen is *fart noises*.

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  15. The Real Kyle
    September 30, 2013

    PITB – I have a great idea for tomorrow – a blog post from a Toronto blogger. It will be the highlight of self mockery.

    Here is a snippet:
    The Canucks suck.

    Oh the hidden irony! How funny! It could be the Leafs they are referring to!

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  16. JDM
    September 30, 2013

    While “that’s the joke” is certainly a perfectly appropriate meme to use in this circumstance, after reading the comments and seeing the alarmingly low rate of people actually picking up on what this post is doing, I feel like I should be making another reference.

    I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

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    • Markmark
      September 30, 2013

      Agreed. It is shocking.

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  17. LaLou
    September 30, 2013

    This post is amazing. For the first time, I see Sharks fans as friends, not foes. They know our pain, our suffering. They have been hurt like we have been hurt. We are brethren.

    And we will do whatever we can to make them hurt again, so that we don’t have to. I expect them to do the same.

    See you on the battlefield, Friend.

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  18. Taco
    September 30, 2013

    “Who can forget their last President’s Trophy, followed by a speedy first-round exit at the hands of a Southern California team? Again, the embarrassment associated with that sequence of events is completely unfathomable to me as a Sharks fan.”

    Ahh.. checked. The same thing happened to sharks in 08-09. Of course they managed to win 2 games against the Ducks and the nucks only 1 against the Kings, so.. that doesn’t make me feel any better at all. But anyway, they figured out how to do it right the next year. The secret is that you just don’t leave anything on the table. No wins, no hope, no dignity. Zip. Nada. Start off with a completely fresh clean sheet to skate on. Oh.. but with all the same guys.

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  19. Nee
    September 30, 2013

    I’m looking forward to playing in a division this year with some actually interesting rivals. Sorry, Minnesota.

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  20. Lemming
    September 30, 2013

    This is my favourite series of anything, anywhere. Keep em coming, I’m thoroughly amused!! Great troll job!

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  21. tj
    September 30, 2013

    My initial defensive reading of this post made me a touch hostile and resistive, but when I got down to the end, looked at the goalie of the last line and did a quick sweep of the audience in the comments, I made my way back down the post again in offence-ready mode, and realized, “Hey, this is a pretty good game!”

    Package it up boys, change some names and send this one back SJ for a rematch ;)

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  22. Shand
    September 30, 2013

    If you thought this post was serious you need to find another team to follow. Sorry :(

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  23. Doop
    September 30, 2013

    :( I’m so sorry for all those things I’ve always said, Sharks fans.

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  24. Glenn
    October 1, 2013

    I love the smell of sarcasm in the morning!!

    For those complaining about the guest blogger series, lighten up. The point of a blog like this is to inform and entertain. These guest posts have perhaps been light on the informing but excellent in the entertainment stakes. Keep up the good work guys.

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  25. Quirky
    October 1, 2013

    lol, oh man…. these comments are exactly why Canucks fans can’t have nice things.

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