The 2nd annual Canuck headshot awards, starring a weary Roberto Luongo

Brendan Gaunce wins the Jimmy Darmody from Boardwalk Empire lookalike award.

There are a number of reasons to get excited about the opening of Canucks training camp. There are storylines galore, especially this season, from the new coach and system to the rookies knocking on the door to the bargain-bin offseason signings attempting to prove they’re worth the contract. There’s the fact that training camp is the harbinger of real, meaningful hockey.

And, of course, there’s picture day.

Picture day is the best. It’s the day every player invited to Canucks training camp sits down in front of the weird, paint-daubed background, smiles or scowls, depending on their mood, and allows Jeff Vinnick to capture the headshot that will be used alongside their name all season long. Amazingly, despite how frequently these photos will be used, few prepare for it (although Sean Avery once brought some fashionable frames) and few make the effort to look their best.

The result is comedy by the bowlful, and since we like comedy here at PITB — although we’re only middling at it — we’d like to highlight a few of our favourites, just as we did last year, in the second annual headshot awards.

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LEAST LIKELY TO KNOW WHERE HE IS AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT: TOM SESTITO

Tom Sestito looks like that kid from elementary school that everyone felt sorry for because he never knew the answer to the question when the teacher called on him.

THICKEST NECK: KEVIN BIEKSA

His neck is thicker than Tom Sestito looks!

MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED (AT MURDERING YOU): ZACK KASSIAN

Dallas Eakins recently called Kassian a “disturbing player”. Yeah, we get it. (Alternate award: least convincing hair. You’re not fooling anybody, Kassian. You glued a steel pot scrubber to your head. And speaking of hair, this brings us to the hair awards.)

BEST HAIR (IN THE IRONIC SENSE, SINCE IT’S REALLY THE WORST HAIR): CHRIS TANEV

What is going on down by his neck there? It doesn’t even look real. It looks like Vinnick went heavy on the Photoshop smudge tool.

BEST SALAD: ALEXANDRE MALLET

Follow hockey long enough and you’ll learn the difference between hair and salad. Chris Tanev has some hair — some terrible hair. Mallet has some salad.

MOST LIKELY TO GET EVERYONE IN HIS GROUP CARDED AND THEN KICKED OUT: HUNTER SHINKARUK

Maybe in a few years, Shinkaruk will look more like a hockey player than a prom date.

THE DEBBIE DOWNER LOOKALIKE AWARD: JOE CANNATA

This is the second year in a row Cannata has won this award. Why is he so sullen all the time? Does he secretly yearn for a government job and he just happens to be good at tending goal? What’s your deal, Joe? Smile next year.

HAPPIEST SEDIN: HENRIK SEDIN

“I think I’m gonna smile this year, Daniel.”

“Then I’ll smile too, Henrik.”

“No. Only I may smile.”

“But I want to smile!”

“I’M THE CAPTAIN SO YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY AND I SAY ONLY I MAY SMILE.”

*click*

THE “SOMEHOW MANAGED TO TAKE A GOOD PHOTO” AWARD: JANNIK HANSEN

How did he do that? I thought it was impossible.

MOST TERRIFYING: BENN FERRIERO

Gah! Incredibly, this is one of Ferriero’s better headshots. For one thing, he’s finally learned not to tilt his head waaaaaay to the left and style his hair so as to increase the effect, like he did in 2008, and he’s also not fresh from the scene of a crime, like he was in 2009:

He should still probably never get his photo taken, but it’s a minor improvement, is all I’m saying.

 

MOST EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED: ROBERTO LUONGO

This is the face of a man that’s been through a very trying ordeal. Look at the slightly raised eyebrow. It’s as though he’s silently, subtly, pleading for a reprieve. “Can you help me? Can you take this sweater from me?” he whispers to Vinnick as the photo is snapped, and the unyielding camera only captures his weariness for posterity. Considering the events of the past year, this is the most appropriate headshot in hockey history.

HAPPIEST-GO-LUCKIEST AWARD: EDDIE LACK

Meanwhile, Eddie Lack has the brightest, cheeriest face in all the land. He’s up there with the happiest man in Springfield. Luongo looks ravaged by the rigours of living. Lack looks like he just realized the whole world is made of candy.

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29 comments

  1. Steve_May
    September 25, 2013

    Eddie Lack’s headshot screams “I’m on a one-way contract this year – and I’m not going to Utica!” – or the world is made of candy. Same thing really.

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    Rating: +37 (from 37 votes)
    • Ryan
      September 26, 2013

      Too bad one way contract just means he gets paid an NHL salary if he’s sent to the minors…

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      Rating: 0 (from 2 votes)
  2. SEAPP
    September 25, 2013

    Who else thinks that the arm stripe looks like where the cuff should be and that everyone’s heads are on top of a Ceelo Green type body with stubby little arms?

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    Rating: +20 (from 24 votes)
  3. Artem
    September 25, 2013

    Happiest Sedin Award is just priceless!

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    Rating: +16 (from 16 votes)
  4. iain
    September 25, 2013

    hilarious.

    no wonder henrik is the captain – he’s the only one who knows how to pose for a headshot.

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    Rating: +10 (from 10 votes)
  5. kavi36
    September 25, 2013

    Wow, I’m seriously impressed by Hansen’s photo. He should ask for copies (I’m thinking at least one 8×10 and a couple dozen wallet size). Also, Lack’s photo looks like someone just told him they were all going out for Swedish meatballs after the shoot. :)

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    Rating: +21 (from 21 votes)
  6. mac 'n cheese
    September 25, 2013

    Thank you for this. I feel like the season can start now!

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    Rating: +7 (from 7 votes)
  7. Warpstone
    September 25, 2013

    Wow, I think Sestito just stole the “Wreck It Ralph” award from Kassian this year.

    Can you even have two Ralph’s on the team? EA sports better get working on that mini-game.

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    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
  8. Kenji
    September 25, 2013

    Eddie Lack is like neckbeard Luke Skywalker, as a Muppet.

    Kassian has the uneven eyeline Alfred E Neuman thing going on, but as you start to tell him that, he snaps and ragdolls you like Hulk on Loki.

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    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
    • jrc
      September 25, 2013

      “neckbeard Luke Skywalker muppet”. Genius. I can’t not see that now.

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      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  9. Gary
    September 25, 2013

    Shinkaruk looks like Win Butler’s younger (and also deranged) ginger brother. But would definitely get ID’d. No beer for you crazy smilers.

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    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
  10. Gary
    September 25, 2013

    and are they actually wearing those jerseys? looks very photoshop’d on afterwards (or have I fallen for one of those everyone-else-at-PITB-already-knows-that comments)?

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    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  11. tom selleck's moustache
    September 25, 2013

    Ferriero looks like the Canucks recruited a homeless man for try outs, that or he had just auditioned for the role of a dwarf in Lord Of The Rings

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    Rating: +13 (from 13 votes)
  12. TubaNat
    September 25, 2013

    Surely that should be “Happy Go Lack-iest”

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    Rating: +17 (from 17 votes)
  13. Anne B
    September 25, 2013

    Ferriero looks like Severus Snape actually survived, moved to Canada and started playing hockey.

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    Rating: +12 (from 12 votes)
    • nick
      September 26, 2013

      Ferriero is just one haircut away from being freaking Rorschach

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      Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  14. spud
    September 25, 2013

    Who erased Henrik’s eyebrows? *photoshop fail*

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  15. Carlo
    September 25, 2013

    LOL. Poor Lu.

    He’s worried Lack will be #1.

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  16. Dan Cohen
    September 25, 2013

    Tanev’ and his new hair could ne Brent Sopel 2.0

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  17. Sean Orr
    September 25, 2013

    Does anyone else think Sestito looks like Mark Ruffalo? Yeah me neither.

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    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  18. Handy Hands
    September 26, 2013

    For me Shinkwrap is shouting “WOW I’m a real hockey player, Hockey is the best, I love hockey, I get to play all the time,WOW!!!” (He plays like that too, which is a good thing.

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    Rating: +7 (from 7 votes)
  19. Winsy
    September 26, 2013

    Oh, give Eddie a couple seasons in Vancouver and his will look more like Luongo’s!

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    Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
  20. Jillian
    September 26, 2013

    Aw, Lu…geez, man – not much of a poker face!! Gah!! I think it’s time we all give the guy a freakin’ break!!! Lu, if you’re reading this – I’M glad you’re here, and I appreciate the seasons you’ve given us!!

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    Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
  21. Amy
    September 26, 2013

    Lack’s picture is literally the best thing I’ve seen all year. I love it so much I set it as my phone background and it never fails to make me smile when I see it. Adorable Swedish weirdo.

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    Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
  22. Lynn
    September 26, 2013

    Absolutely hilarious comments on the pics. Thanks for making my afternoon and making all my workmates wonder why I’m laughing so hard, tears are running down my face! Too freakin’ funny!!

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  23. CeeV
    September 27, 2013

    I can’t help looking at BENN FERRIERO and see Alice Cooper without the make-up.

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    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  24. Tom1040
    September 28, 2013

    THAT was funny, truly.

    Have to say cheers for that one.

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  25. Sean
    September 29, 2013

    Where can i see all of them?

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  26. kanada
    October 1, 2013

    oh man! best thing i’ve read in weeks. the co-workers are all looking at me weird for laughing so loud.

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