14 other drills you can expect out of John Tortorella’s first Canucks training camp

The Canucks had a rude awakening on the first day of training camp, showing up on the ice in full gear, including hockey sticks, only to feel like complete chumps when there weren’t any hockey pucks. After a bit of comic misunderstanding (Henrik, I thought you were bringing the pucks! But Daniel, it was your turn!), new coach John Tortorella revealed that the entire first day of training camp would be conducted sans-puck.

The first day of Canucks training camp involved intense skating drills, tough conditioning tests, and a two-mile run that was meant to be completed in 12 minutes. No word on whether they had to drag Tortorella behind them in a chariot while he whipped them repeatedly, so we must assume they did.

What’s next for Tortorella’s camp? What cruel and unusual punishment will he put them through in the coming days? There’s no need to wonder. We here at PITB managed to get ahold of Tortorella’s top secret training camp schedule. Here are some of the highlights:

1 | After no pucks on the first day of camp, it’s only pucks for the second day of camp. No sticks, pads, nets, helmets, or players.

2 | Sprint to the boards, delete your Twitter account, sprint back.

3 | Tortorella releases a bunch of orphan dogs onto the ice. “Catch and adopt,” he says.

4 | After repeatedly saying that the Canucks need more bite in their game, Tortorella will have Alex Burrows lead a special breakout session for the rest of the team.

5 | Shot-blocking practice. “If you can block a wrench, you can block a puck.”

6 | Butt-patting practice. “Butt-patting brings the team together. Pat a butt, the bench becomes 10 feet tall.”

7 | Stressing the importance of the mental game, Tortorella has the players break out into groups to brainstorm why his hockey nickname was “The Paper Italian” when he played in college.

8 | 10 minutes of twerking, to work the core.

9 | After a session with Canucks executive chef David Speight, the Canucks are broken up into four teams to make “Tortes”, while Tortorella screams at them to whip harder.

10 | Targets in four corners of the net replaced by cardboard cutouts of Larry Brooks’ head. “Aim for the teeth,” players are told.

11 | When a steam whistle sounds, Tortorella pulls a lever and a disco ball extends from the ceiling while “Everybody Dance Now” pipes over the Rogers Arena speakers. “We work hard, we play hard,” he says, as everyone begins to dance.

12 | Musical chairs. No reason, it’s just a real fun game.

13 | The Canucks have incorporated yoga into their training camps in the past, but with Tortorella it was time to take the next step: hot yoga.

14 | To build up tolerance for being berated, players will be asked to grab a partner, stand one foot apart, and cuss the Hell out of them.

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9 comments

  1. DanD
    September 13, 2013

    I really hope he brings a bag full of trash and dumps it in front of the crease, telling the players to “clear out the garbage” a la Mighty Ducks.

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  2. Rituro
    September 13, 2013

    Re: #11 – This might have the unintended consequence of encouraging Simpsons quoting sessions that, while accurate, may come across as homophobic.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      September 13, 2013

      Well, fingers crossed it doesn’t, I guess? Although if John Tortorella is looking for a spark, let’s hope he doesn’t find it in someone’s hair. “Get it out get it out!”

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      • Rituro
        September 13, 2013

        When Torts finally sees Kesler’s ESPN Magazine photo shoot, should we expect an exultant “hot stuff, comin’ through!”?

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  3. iain
    September 13, 2013

    Please please please tell me that Rogers Arean will be selling Tortellini at home games this year.

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  4. Mark Ragnar
    September 13, 2013

    I didn’t think Tortorella was into the whole “no competition” thing. He’s clearly inspired by ball -less soccer:

    http://www.cbc.ca/thisisthat/blog/2013/09/03/to-ensure-every-child-wins-ontario-athletic-association-removes-ball-from-soccer/index.html

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  5. kevbo
    September 14, 2013

    Oh Daniel, “You’re the living end.”

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  6. Brent
    September 14, 2013

    twerking, now that’s an idea. I figured with it’s now almost mainstream occurence that the Canucks Kathy Anderson’s ‘Breaking The Ice’ would do a piece on which Canuck does the best twerk.

    My vote, Dan Hamhuis, I think he has a secret dirty side.

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  7. Chinook
    September 15, 2013

    RE #5: There are two ‘r’s in this sentence, the second one is a mistake and should be deleted. Sentence now makes much more sense for Zack and other youngsters.

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