The Canucks had a rude awakening on the first day of training camp, showing up on the ice in full gear, including hockey sticks, only to feel like complete chumps when there weren’t any hockey pucks. After a bit of comic misunderstanding (Henrik, I thought you were bringing the pucks! But Daniel, it was your turn!), new coach John Tortorella revealed that the entire first day of training camp would be conducted sans-puck.
The first day of Canucks training camp involved intense skating drills, tough conditioning tests, and a two-mile run that was meant to be completed in 12 minutes. No word on whether they had to drag Tortorella behind them in a chariot while he whipped them repeatedly, so we must assume they did.
What’s next for Tortorella’s camp? What cruel and unusual punishment will he put them through in the coming days? There’s no need to wonder. We here at PITB managed to get ahold of Tortorella’s top secret training camp schedule. Here are some of the highlights:
1 | After no pucks on the first day of camp, it’s only pucks for the second day of camp. No sticks, pads, nets, helmets, or players.
2 | Sprint to the boards, delete your Twitter account, sprint back.
3 | Tortorella releases a bunch of orphan dogs onto the ice. “Catch and adopt,” he says.
4 | After repeatedly saying that the Canucks need more bite in their game, Tortorella will have Alex Burrows lead a special breakout session for the rest of the team.
5 | Shot-blocking practice. “If you can block a wrench, you can block a puck.”
6 | Butt-patting practice. “Butt-patting brings the team together. Pat a butt, the bench becomes 10 feet tall.”
7 | Stressing the importance of the mental game, Tortorella has the players break out into groups to brainstorm why his hockey nickname was “The Paper Italian” when he played in college.
8 | 10 minutes of twerking, to work the core.
9 | After a session with Canucks executive chef David Speight, the Canucks are broken up into four teams to make “Tortes”, while Tortorella screams at them to whip harder.
10 | Targets in four corners of the net replaced by cardboard cutouts of Larry Brooks’ head. “Aim for the teeth,” players are told.
11 | When a steam whistle sounds, Tortorella pulls a lever and a disco ball extends from the ceiling while “Everybody Dance Now” pipes over the Rogers Arena speakers. “We work hard, we play hard,” he says, as everyone begins to dance.
12 | Musical chairs. No reason, it’s just a real fun game.
13 | The Canucks have incorporated yoga into their training camps in the past, but with Tortorella it was time to take the next step: hot yoga.
14 | To build up tolerance for being berated, players will be asked to grab a partner, stand one foot apart, and cuss the Hell out of them.Tags: Blogs are for lists, John Tortorella, Questionable Comedic Content, Training Camp