John Tortorella, obvious American spy, talks Luongo, nefarious plot to destroy him

Is this the face of evil?

Vancouver Sun colleague Brad Ziemer caught up with John Tortorella on Wednesday and, as you might expect, Ziemer was savvy enough to ask him about Roberto Luongo. (Good thinking, Ziems!)

That’s the big story coming out of this interview, as Tortorella had some encouraging things to say about Luongo. “I have talked to Roberto four times,” he said. “In fact, I just talked to him yesterday… the bottom line is he told me ‘I just want to play.’ … So I am really excited about where he is mentally.”

Now that’s all well and good, and that last line is the quote that’s spreading around the hockey world like a wildfire during a dry, dry August. But if you ask me, and by clicking this link, you technically did, far more important than Roberto Luongo’s mental state, in my opinion, is John Tortorella’s state… of residence.

Yes, I said state. The Tortorellas and their dogs, you see, AREN’T EVEN GOING TO LIVE IN CANADA.

Q: How much time have you and your wife actually spent in Vancouver this summer. And have you found a home that will accommodate your dogs?

A: That was the most important thing (laughing), getting the four dogs settled. My wife has not even been there. I have been there for probably a total of eight or nine days on different trips. We are going to buy a house in Point Roberts and I think we close on the 29th. We’ll be there by the end of the month. We’re in Wisconsin now so we are kind of halfway. My wife is from Minneapolis so we have a place out in the woods here in Wisconsin.

In a week, Torts and company will officially be residents of Point Roberts. Washington. AMERICA.

This is shocking. Shocking. It suggests, first of all, that Tortorella’s commitment to the city is dangerously, disconcertingly half-hearted.  How can we expect this coach to give his all to Vancouver when he won’t even move here?

And this is only the most generous interpretation of this disclosure. Consider: perhaps John Tortorella doesn’t want to move to Canada because his allegiance to America is so intense — intense enough to be involved in an elaborate ploy to sabotage Team Canada’s chance at a repeat gold medal at the Sochi Olympics.

It’s worth noting that Tortorella was “disappointed” — his own, incredibly damning words — that he wasn’t asked back to the Team USA coaching staff for Sochi.

Q: You were part of the U.S. coaching staff at the Winter Olympics here in Vancouver in 2010. Are you disappointed you won’t be going to Sochi?

A: I am disappointed. (Team USA GM) David Poile called me before they announced Danny (Bylsma). 2010 was a blast and I think Vancouver had a lot to do with that. It just worked out so well, U.S.-Canada in that building. How (can) you not want to go back? I have done the world championships, the Olympics. Certainly you want to stay involved in it. But I don’t make that call and they do and we move on from there.

Now, maybe I’m the only one who sees what’s going on here, but this is downright abhorrent. David Poile called John Tortorella before they announced Dan Bylsma. Is your mind blown yet? Let us continue.

On June 25, the Canucks named John Tortorella their head coach. On June 29, Dan Bylsma was named to Team USA. That means the phone call between David Poile and John Tortorella happened after Poile knew Tortorella would have access to Roberto Luongo.

That’s Roberto Luongo, likely starter for archrival Team Canada.

So David Poile called Tortorella. Tortorella ADMITS  this. He claims this phone call is just a courtesy call about not getting the job. But maybe the actual purpose to give him a different job. A job ruining Roberto Luongo, so as to get the upper hand in the Olympics.

“Certainly you want to stay involved in it,” Tortorella says. But what if he IS still involved? No one would suspect a thing.

Now, the only hole in this theory is that the Canucks didn’t trade Cory Schneider to the Devils until June 30th, which means Poile shouldn’t have known Tortorella was going to be working directly with Roberto Luongo until after the phone call. But it’s important to note that the Canucks actually began quietly shopping Schneider a few days before the draft. If Poile caught wind of this as early as the 28th, and as a plugged-in NHL GM, he had plenty of opportunity to do so, that would have left him a small window in which to give an eager-to-be-involved Tortorella his nefarious assignment.

Think about it. Why would Tortorella go into such specifics with Ziemer, telling him he’s already spoken to Luongo four times, and once yesterday? Just to be nice? To the media? Yeah, I doubt it. Maybe that part wasn’t for Ziemer. It was a coded message for Poile, to let him know everything is going according to plan.

Furthermore, from this perspective,  ”I’m really excited about where he is mentally” might be a coded message as well. Maybe what he really meant is “I’m really excited about [SABOTAGING] where he is mentally.”

This is unconscionable, people. And I don’t know if we can stop it. What’s worse, by the time people realize it and rise up against Tortorella’s villainous act of espionage, we won’t even be able to get him, because he’s living safely in America, and they’ll confiscate our pitchforks and torches at the border.

But just so you know, John Tortorella, if that is even your real name: we are onto you.

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17 comments

  1. cathylu
    August 22, 2013

    If you can find out how close he is to Balsam Lake, Wisconsin I’ll get my relatives there to keep an eye on him.

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    Rating: +8 (from 8 votes)
    • Suegem
      September 3, 2013

      Hey, I’m from B.L and also know where they live. Who are your relatives?

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  2. Chris the Curmudgeon
    August 22, 2013

    As a flipside, could this mean that Torts is also in place to be Kesler’s personal coach of two way dominance? If so, maybe it’s a good tradeoff for us.

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    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
  3. Kelvin Yu
    August 22, 2013

    I don’t blame him for wanting to live in Point Roberts, the gas is so much cheaper.

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    Rating: +6 (from 6 votes)
  4. Kenji
    August 22, 2013

    On a boring note, I assume pt roberts offer tax advantages for American citizens. Mogilny lived there did he not?

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    Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
  5. Pavo
    August 22, 2013

    And if he puts Edler in the doghouse, and the Sedins on the first PK unit, we’ll know he also has a secret mandate to sabotage Team Sweden.

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    Rating: +12 (from 12 votes)
  6. Pavo
    August 22, 2013

    Aah … a comment every couple of months = ‘You are posting too quickly’!

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    • Daniel Wagner
      August 22, 2013

      Sorry, it’s not you, it’s the server. We thought it was fixed, but it’s clearly still giving people some issues.

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      Rating: 0 (from 2 votes)
      • Pavo
        August 22, 2013

        So you are saying that computers have a mind of their own – and an evil sense of humour?

        Okay … I feel paranoid now.

        Fits in nicely with being a Canucks fan, I suppose.

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  7. Amor de Cosmos
    August 22, 2013

    After New York Tortorella’s wife is sure to love the shopping in Point Roberts. The border line-ups to enjoy the cosmopolitan pleasures of Tsawwassen Town Centre Mall will be equally appealing.

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    Rating: +8 (from 8 votes)
  8. akidd
    August 22, 2013

    didn’t want to buy a house in vancouver? i’m sure they could get a nice place with lots of room for the dogs in easy distance to the rink for…a few mil. what’s the big deal?but maybe it’s not such a bad plan to have a nice, safe, out of the way place to… er…hole up in…if need be.

    there seems to be almost something naive and innocent about tortorella. with his straight-forward, almost overly–honest answers to things–” yup i’ve watched about 6-8 canucks games so far…talked to lou four times…talked to AV about how gillis ticks…yup, the owners asked a lot of questions in the interviews…the canucks animal nicknames are as follows” — the guys reveals three or four plotlines a minute. this might be quite the show. i’m sure bloggers and journalists are rubbing their little hands together in gleeful anticipation.

    but I wonder if torts really knows what he got into out here. i’m sure he’d have taken any nhl job offered–” ya, sure, where do i sign,where do i put my dogs, great, could you hold this for a sec, now let’s see…travel…a vastly superior western conference….whoa hold on here!…whoa! they’re burning down the city , to the van, get in there fluffy, back to point roberts, whew, made it past the border…safe.”

    you see.

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    • Chris the Curmudgeon
      August 23, 2013

      The guy did coach the Rangers. It’s different from Vancouver but it’s not exactly Palm Springs.

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  9. Shand
    August 23, 2013

    Best post in a while

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  10. Tom
    August 23, 2013

    Good column, sir.

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  11. Dawg
    August 23, 2013

    After a few body cavity searches by the CPB, he may decide to live in Canada. I hope he has a chauffeur.

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  12. DanD
    August 31, 2013

    Maybe Torts will try living as a reverse Canadian. He’ll come across the border to buy gas and pick up packages. That would be mind-boggling.

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  13. Point Roberts Resident
    September 2, 2013

    More Canadian than Americans live in Point Roberts…at least 4 to 1 in the cottage season. So kinda of blows your spy theory, even if tongue in cheek. I say Welcome to Point Roberts. Keep up the entertainment.

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