Is this the face of evil?
Vancouver Sun colleague Brad Ziemer caught up with John Tortorella on Wednesday and, as you might expect, Ziemer was savvy enough to ask him about Roberto Luongo. (Good thinking, Ziems!)
That’s the big story coming out of this interview, as Tortorella had some encouraging things to say about Luongo. “I have talked to Roberto four times,” he said. “In fact, I just talked to him yesterday… the bottom line is he told me ‘I just want to play.’ … So I am really excited about where he is mentally.”
Now that’s all well and good, and that last line is the quote that’s spreading around the hockey world like a wildfire during a dry, dry August. But if you ask me, and by clicking this link, you technically did, far more important than Roberto Luongo’s mental state, in my opinion, is John Tortorella’s state… of residence.
Yes, I said state. The Tortorellas and their dogs, you see, AREN’T EVEN GOING TO LIVE IN CANADA.
Q: How much time have you and your wife actually spent in Vancouver this summer. And have you found a home that will accommodate your dogs?
A: That was the most important thing (laughing), getting the four dogs settled. My wife has not even been there. I have been there for probably a total of eight or nine days on different trips. We are going to buy a house in Point Roberts and I think we close on the 29th. We’ll be there by the end of the month. We’re in Wisconsin now so we are kind of halfway. My wife is from Minneapolis so we have a place out in the woods here in Wisconsin.
In a week, Torts and company will officially be residents of Point Roberts. Washington. AMERICA.
This is shocking. Shocking. It suggests, first of all, that Tortorella’s commitment to the city is dangerously, disconcertingly half-hearted. How can we expect this coach to give his all to Vancouver when he won’t even move here?
And this is only the most generous interpretation of this disclosure. Consider: perhaps John Tortorella doesn’t want to move to Canada because his allegiance to America is so intense — intense enough to be involved in an elaborate ploy to sabotage Team Canada’s chance at a repeat gold medal at the Sochi Olympics.
It’s worth noting that Tortorella was “disappointed” — his own, incredibly damning words — that he wasn’t asked back to the Team USA coaching staff for Sochi.
Q: You were part of the U.S. coaching staff at the Winter Olympics here in Vancouver in 2010. Are you disappointed you won’t be going to Sochi?
A: I am disappointed. (Team USA GM) David Poile called me before they announced Danny (Bylsma). 2010 was a blast and I think Vancouver had a lot to do with that. It just worked out so well, U.S.-Canada in that building. How (can) you not want to go back? I have done the world championships, the Olympics. Certainly you want to stay involved in it. But I don’t make that call and they do and we move on from there.
Now, maybe I’m the only one who sees what’s going on here, but this is downright abhorrent. David Poile called John Tortorella before they announced Dan Bylsma. Is your mind blown yet? Let us continue.
On June 25, the Canucks named John Tortorella their head coach. On June 29, Dan Bylsma was named to Team USA. That means the phone call between David Poile and John Tortorella happened after Poile knew Tortorella would have access to Roberto Luongo.
That’s Roberto Luongo, likely starter for archrival Team Canada.
So David Poile called Tortorella. Tortorella ADMITS this. He claims this phone call is just a courtesy call about not getting the job. But maybe the actual purpose to give him a different job. A job ruining Roberto Luongo, so as to get the upper hand in the Olympics.
“Certainly you want to stay involved in it,” Tortorella says. But what if he IS still involved? No one would suspect a thing.
Now, the only hole in this theory is that the Canucks didn’t trade Cory Schneider to the Devils until June 30th, which means Poile shouldn’t have known Tortorella was going to be working directly with Roberto Luongo until after the phone call. But it’s important to note that the Canucks actually began quietly shopping Schneider a few days before the draft. If Poile caught wind of this as early as the 28th, and as a plugged-in NHL GM, he had plenty of opportunity to do so, that would have left him a small window in which to give an eager-to-be-involved Tortorella his nefarious assignment.
Think about it. Why would Tortorella go into such specifics with Ziemer, telling him he’s already spoken to Luongo four times, and once yesterday? Just to be nice? To the media? Yeah, I doubt it. Maybe that part wasn’t for Ziemer. It was a coded message for Poile, to let him know everything is going according to plan.
Furthermore, from this perspective, ”I’m really excited about where he is mentally” might be a coded message as well. Maybe what he really meant is “I’m really excited about [SABOTAGING] where he is mentally.”
This is unconscionable, people. And I don’t know if we can stop it. What’s worse, by the time people realize it and rise up against Tortorella’s villainous act of espionage, we won’t even be able to get him, because he’s living safely in America, and they’ll confiscate our pitchforks and torches at the border.
But just so you know, John Tortorella, if that is even your real name: we are onto you.Tags: John Tortorella, Questionable Comedic Content