The Vancouver Canucks have scheduled a press conference for 1 pm this afternoon, where it is expected that they will name John Tortorella the new head coach, unless the organization is running a masterful bluff and actually announces a hike in ticket prices, which the media will report in glowing terms since, hey, at least they didn’t hire Tortorella.
Tortorella’s testy relationship with reporters has been the focus over the last several days since rumours began circulating that he was headed to Vancouver, leading to plenty of anticipation for his first press conference with his new team. Unfortunately, it’s likely to be a fairly staid affair, as Tortorella will look to make a good first impression.
That is, unless the reporters on hand ask the right — or, more appropriately, wrong — questions. While the press conference is likely to be full of questions about his tenure with the New York Rangers, what he hopes to accomplish with the Canucks, and why he accepted a job in a fish bowl like Vancouver, reporters are unlikely to ask the kinds of questions that really matter (or completely don’t matter).
With that in mind, here are 25 questions we want to hear at the Tortorella press conference. Elliott, Iain, Brad, Cam, et al., feel free to print these out and bring them with you.
1 | What is your stance on bike lanes?
2 | Will you respond to any of the following nicknames: Tortellini, Tort Reform, Tor: God of Tunder, or Johnny T?
3 | Talk about your relationship with the media.
4 | Will you play Zack Kassian a lot? That’s really all we want.
5 | The first article calling for your dismissal ran on Monday. Care to comment?
6 | My popsicle is actually two popsicles. Do you want a popsicle?
7 | In order to help you resolve your issues with the media, we’re going to do a little roleplay. In this scenario, you’re the media and I’m John Tortorella. Feel free to ask me some questions.
8 | What is your stance regarding neutral zone drop passes?
9 | How do we know you’re the real John Tortorella? Tell me something only the real Tortorella would know.
10 | Why in the world was your college nickname “The Paper Italian“? Seriously, what’s up with that?
11 | How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?
12 | Say you had a guy, like, a Keith Ballard type, and another guy, say, an Aaron Rome type, and you could only play one. Which would you play? Keep in mind I — I mean the GM — just traded a Michael Grabner type for the Ballard type.
13 | Best Kardashian? Take your time, take your time.
14 | Do you believe the current generation of young people is a great generation or the greatest generation?
15 | Where is Musky?
16 | You know there are three Sedins, and if all three aren’t present for your first practice, that’s a huge sign of disrespect from the other two, right?
17 | Is Pepsi okay?
18 | Can I be excused to go to the bathroom?
19 | Magnets. How do they work?
20 | What’s your favourite board game? Please say Scrabble.
21 | The last guy let us call him AV. Can we call you AV?
22 | Could you swear at me and tell me to leave the press conference? It’s on my bucket list.
23 | Hi, I’m Elliott Pap, will you be my friend?
24 | This next question was submitted via Twitter: Let’s say one of your goalies was a big dumb redhead and the other was Roberto f***ing Luongo. Who starts?
25 | En Français?Tags: Blogs are for lists, John Tortorella, Questionable Comedic Content