Roberto Luongo’s condo is for sale, will likely be easier to move than he is

Roberto Luongo showed a great deal of patience this season amidst all the drama of the soap opera in Vancouver’s crease, and yes, it is a soap opera. Recently, Thomas Drance suggested that its long, long, long running time made it more epic than soap, but clearly, the dude needs to brush up on his daytime dramas. “The Young and the Restless” has been running since February 4, 1980, and the feud between Jill Foster Abbott and Katherine Chancellor has been going on for pretty much that entire time.

A rivalry that never seems to end? That sounds about right for this analogy.

Anyway. Like I was saying, apart from a few moments where he seemed on the verge of flipping a table — like, say, just after the trade deadline, which is likely why the Canucks made him do that presser standing up with no table in sight — Luongo has shown some remarkable serenity in the face of a decidedly unserene situation.

But he won’t be doing that again. Funny Bob has no intention of sticking around for another season of The Young Goalie and the Restless Goalie, and in case that wasn’t entirely clear, his Vancouver condo is for sale.

I mean, I guess that seems like a dream come true.

The penthouse is located in King’s Landing — the one a short walk from Yaletown, not the walled one on the banks of the blackwater. Don’t be confused. There is no Red Keep here. No red keepers, either, because this is Luongo’s pad, not Schneider’s.

Here’s the write-up from the Realtor’s website:

Direct southwest water views from the floor to ceiling windows and covered outdoor terraces. High ceilings, wonderful room proportions, air conditioned, customized 2,673 sq ft 2 bedroom plus family room waterfront residence. Hardwood floors, superbly equipped kitchen with pantry, wine fridge, his and hers wardrobe rooms, private 2 car garage with storage. Outstanding amenities and attentive concierge service. Located directly on the seawall within easy walking distance to the dining and shopping conveniences of Yaletown. Very special and superb oceanfront lifestyle.

Hmm. No robot maid? Then I’m not sold.

Luongo hasn’t actually lived here for awhile. The place has been staged and on the market all season while Luongo set up shop in a hotel.

If you want to be the next owner of Funny Bob’s fancy place, it can be yours for just $4.2 million (i.e. one year of Keith Ballard). The absurd Vancouver real estate market strikes again!

Oh, also, the strata fees are just a little over $1300 a month. Now, chances are you don’t have that kind of scratch because, unlike Luongo, you don’t have a sucky contract that allows you to afford a two-bedroom, three-bathroom place directly on the seawall with a walk score of 90. But you can at least take a tour.

This is the kitchen — if that’s what you want it to be. It’s up to you. Call it a bedroom for all I care. This bedroom has an oven in it.

Here’s the dining area. This setup seats eight — perfect for those huge, Italian families.

If you’re into spectacular views, good news, this place has one. But if you hate spectacular views, sorry, this place has one.

Here’s where Luongo watches The Bachelor.

And here’s that room from the other angle. There’s that spectacular view again. Sorry if that’s upsetting you, guy that hates spectacular views.

What would you call this? A breakfast nook? A tea room? I’m not sure. This is where I would put my cat’s litter boxes, probably.

The bedroom has a walk-out terrace. Lots of open space and hardwood floors, and a big mirror, so you can practice your moonwalking. That’s important.

Here’s where Luongo sends most of his tweets.

And finally, another look at the terrace, where Luongo overlooks the city that’s never quite understood him. If you’ve ever been walking in the area and heard someone shout, “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS, VANCOUVER?!?!?!”  it probably came from this terrace.

s/t to Scott Brown.

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10 comments

  1. Dave
    May 7, 2013

    Methinks he’ll get the compliance buyout.

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    Rating: -6 (from 8 votes)
  2. Frank N.
    May 7, 2013

    “Here’s where Luongo sends most of his tweets.” Oh yeah baby, we all know it to be true!!!! ;-) Gold!

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    Rating: +7 (from 7 votes)
    • Wetcoaster
      May 7, 2013

      For such a tall guy, you’d think he’d have a taller toilet installed

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      Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  3. thatgal
    May 7, 2013

    See, I look at a bedroom like that and I think, how can you have sex with the lights on? Unless, of course, you’re into other kinds of spectacular views.

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    Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
  4. kavi36
    May 7, 2013

    Am I the only one thinking where the hell is the 2nd bedroom? If I’m plunking down 4.2M on this place, I need to know that the 2nd bedroom is bigger than a breadbox. Pssh. Realtor, you have just lost a sale.

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    Rating: +6 (from 6 votes)
  5. paul wodehouse
    May 7, 2013

    how can you have sex with the lights on?

    …blind folded

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    Rating: -11 (from 11 votes)
  6. Nee
    May 7, 2013

    Holy, those are massive strata fees. I think we have the answer to why he wants a trade out of Vancouver ; )

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    Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
  7. paul wodehouse
    May 7, 2013

    no no no …the reason he wants outta Van City is cuz he can’t now tell the difference between the sound of Louuuuuuuuuu and Booooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

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    Rating: -8 (from 12 votes)
  8. Mt
    May 7, 2013

    Watch Schneider get traded just after that puppy gets sold. I don’t want to say he’s jumping the gun here (it has, after all, been a year of trade-waiting now) but Selling your place, it seems the guy is ready to leave or something.

    Also, that dining room chandelier is hilarious, it looks like a risque flapper dress.

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  9. Square Ball
    May 7, 2013

    The only reason I won’t be buying that place is because of that stupid spectacular view. I hate spectacular views!

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)