“Higgs! Guess what? We’re hot!”
On Monday, we talked streaking, investigating which members of the Canucks were hot, and who had gone cold. Mason Raymond? Cold as ice, unwilling to sacrifice. He has just one point, an assist, in his last six games. Tom Sestito? Hot streak. Blistering. Dude has scored in one consecutive game. That’s as hot as he gets.
But today we’re going to talk about a different kind of hotness: physical hotness. Like what sexy people have. Did you know the Canucks are the NHL’s hottest playoff team? Because they totally are.
Now, don’t take my word for it, especially since I’m totally straight. I even married a woman to prove it. (Note to my wife: that’s not why I married you, so stop crying.) The Canucks claim to fame as the league’s hottest playoff-bound club comes from the sociologists of Cosmopolitan magazine.
Cosmo recently released its list of the hottest guys of the NHL playoffs, and as I often do, I perused the list, just to make sure Henrik Lundqvist was on it. (One time he wasn’t, leading to an intense feud between Cosmo and myself that even received coverage from the New York Post.) This time, King Henrik was included, likely because Cosmo learned from their mistakes the last time around, and clearly feared my wrath yet again: “Fans freaked when this sexy goalie didn’t make our original hot list,” they wrote. (Right. “Fans”… I think we all know who they were really talking about, especially since they still follow me on Twitter.)
Anyway. As I was checking the list for errors, something else struck me: there are three Canucks on this list. Congratulations to Chris Higgins, Ryan Kesler, and Maxim Lapierre. You’re all hot. Cosmo has recognized, respectively, your beard, aggressiveness, and, uh, sweaty demeanour:
Congratulations to Mike Gillis as well. (No, you didn’t make the cut, probably because it wasn’t a list of the hottest general managers.) But some have said that you just inherited Brian Burke’s team, and Higgins and Lapierre are your acquisitions. That means you made this team thrice as hot as when you found them. That’s some stellar GMing right there.
Finally, congratulations to fans of the Vancouver Canucks, You cheer for a hot group of dudes. Way to go. You did it.
The Canucks are one of three teams to have earned three spots on Cosmo’s illustrious list, along with the Chicago Blackhawks (boo!) and the Montreal Canadiens.
Meanwhile, the San Jose Sharks, Vancouver’s first round playoff opponent, have but one player on the list. They are hopelessly overmatched in the hotness department, which is why I’m picking the Canucks in seven.