Hottest team going into the playoffs? The Canucks, according to Cosmo

“Higgs! Guess what? We’re hot!”

On Monday, we talked streaking, investigating which members of the Canucks were hot, and who had gone cold. Mason Raymond? Cold as ice, unwilling to sacrifice. He has just one point, an assist, in his last six games. Tom Sestito? Hot streak. Blistering. Dude has scored in one consecutive game. That’s as hot as he gets.

But today we’re going to talk about a different kind of hotness: physical hotness. Like what sexy people have. Did you know the Canucks are the NHL’s hottest playoff team? Because they totally are.

Now, don’t take my word for it, especially since I’m totally straight. I even married a woman to prove it. (Note to my wife: that’s not why I married you, so stop crying.) The Canucks claim to fame as the league’s hottest playoff-bound club comes from the sociologists of Cosmopolitan magazine.

Cosmo recently released its list of the hottest guys of the NHL playoffs, and as I often do, I perused the list, just to make sure Henrik Lundqvist was on it. (One time he wasn’t, leading to an intense feud between Cosmo and myself that even received coverage from the New York Post.) This time, King Henrik was included, likely because Cosmo learned from their mistakes the last time around, and clearly feared my wrath yet again: “Fans freaked when this sexy goalie didn’t make our original hot list,” they wrote. (Right. “Fans”… I think we all know who they were really talking about, especially since they still follow me on Twitter.)

Anyway. As I was checking the list for errors, something else struck me: there are three Canucks on this list. Congratulations to Chris Higgins, Ryan Kesler, and Maxim Lapierre. You’re all hot. Cosmo has recognized, respectively, your beard, aggressiveness, and, uh, sweaty demeanour:

Congratulations to Mike Gillis as well. (No, you didn’t make the cut, probably because it wasn’t a list of the hottest general managers.) But some have said that you just inherited Brian Burke’s team, and Higgins and Lapierre are your acquisitions. That means you made this team thrice as hot as when you found them. That’s some stellar GMing right there.

Finally, congratulations to fans of the Vancouver Canucks, You cheer for a hot group of dudes. Way to go. You did it.

The Canucks are one of three teams to have earned three spots on Cosmo’s illustrious list, along with the Chicago Blackhawks (boo!) and the Montreal Canadiens.

Meanwhile, the San Jose Sharks, Vancouver’s first round playoff opponent, have but one player on the list. They are hopelessly overmatched in the hotness department, which is why I’m picking the Canucks in seven.

13 comments

  1. Dani
    April 30, 2013

    I was reading this in my natural resources class and could not come up with a satisfactory answer as to why I started laughing when Dr. P was talking about aquadic life eating the bits of broken down plastic floating in the ocean during a lecture about recycling. Thanks, Harrison. This is completely your fault.

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  2. Missing: Juice
    April 30, 2013

    What a farce that Kevin Bieksa wasn’t included. Mooney, you need to get on this.

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    • Kelvin Yu
      April 30, 2013

      David Booth too.
      Although he’s technically injured, still, camaaan

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      Rating: +8 (from 8 votes)
      • Harrison Mooney
        April 30, 2013

        And Jason Garrison! If Higgins makes it for his beard (not his abs? Really?) then Bomberman should too.

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        Rating: +21 (from 21 votes)
  3. Nee
    April 30, 2013

    “I’m totally straight. I even married a woman to prove it. (Note to my wife: that’s not why I married you, so stop crying.) ”

    You’re pretty funny Harrison. One day you’re going to get me fired for laughing while at work. : /

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    • Harrison Mooney
      April 30, 2013

      You should quit anyway. If laughing at work was a fireable offence, I’d quit.

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      Rating: +12 (from 12 votes)
  4. Sarah
    April 30, 2013

    I’m surprised that Higgy’s abs didn’t get their own mention

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  5. smj
    April 30, 2013

    Just as you suggested they should change their criteria when Henrik was not on their list I feel they must change any criteria that allowed Patrick Kane on the list. I’m all for Sharp being #1 so it is not a hatred of Chicago thing, but seriously, Kane? Uhg.

    Also, we need The Higgins Abs shot (named it), and a better pic of Max would have been easy to find as well.

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  6. Adrian
    April 30, 2013

    “As I was checking the list for errors…” Gold.

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  7. Matt
    April 30, 2013

    My girlfriend and I were talking about this very topic yesterday and concluded that the Canucks are definitely the most attractive team in the NHL. Really, consider the list of decent- to really-really-ridiculously-good-looking gents on the Canucks. You’ve got Ryan Kesler, Kevin Bieksa, Chris Higgins, Jason Garrison, Dan Hamhuis, Alex Edler, Mason Raymond, David Booth, Max Lapierre apparently (that one I don’t get), the Sedins, Burrows, Luongo has his swarthy italian charm…

    It’s kind of ridiculous, really. I think the only team that might give them a run is the New York Rangers. Lundqvist and Brad Richards are dreamy.

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  8. obituary mambo
    May 1, 2013

    Harrison, it’s a good thing we have you combing the list for errors; I only hope you’re on Cosmo about the egregious nature of the ones they made this time round as well. Some of those dudes are not even remotely good looking, let alone sexy (obviously I recognize that the two traits are not necessarily mutually inclusive).

    It seems clear that the Canucks are far and away the most attractive team in the league, which is a nice little bonus. Though let’s be honest, it’s not as if we’d stop cheering for them even if they were all hideous beasts of the Duncan Keith persuasion — I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky that Cro-Mag didn’t make the cut. [While I’m on my little Blackhawks tangent, allow me to say that it’s a crime that Kane made the list instead of someone more deserving (Kevin Bieksa comes to mind) and the fact that he is so much higher in the rankings than Toews is (I’ve long said he looks damn good in a suit, which is the same point made in the article) could rightfully be called a mystery for the ages.] Still, it’s nice to have a bit of pretty to distract you on the nights the team chooses to play at 50-70% of its collective ability or ride a 1-goal lead as if scoring more would violate a hidden taboo of the highest order.

    Poor little Sharks with only one hottie on the list. How do they stand a chance? I know this will likely prove an unpopular sentiment, but Scott Gomez deserves a spot. I know everyone hates him, but he is awfully easy on the eyes.

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  9. Collin
    May 1, 2013

    FAIL list!

    No Taylor Pyatt’s eyes. I rest my case.

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  10. Brent
    May 1, 2013

    What no Cam “turtle head” Barker on Cosmo’s list?

    Actually did you also notice that the outline of his head is the same as depictions of area 51 aliens, he just needs bigger eyes…..this would explain a few things.

    http://www.area51aliens.com/images/alien%20blue.jpg

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