Canucks get Round 1 date with San Jose Sharks, who are, we remind you, bad

With their loss to the Los Angeles Kings on Saturday night, the Sharks close out the 2013 season as the sixth seed in the Western Conference. This means a first-round playoff date with the third seed, your Vancouver Canucks.

We’ll have plenty of coverage leading up to this series (as well as during it), just as we always do, but for tonight, we would simply like to remind you of something.

This post originally appeared on May 13, 2011, in advance of the Canucks’ Western Conference Final series versus the Sharks two years ago. It was true then and it’s true now: the San Jose Sharks are bad. 

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One might be tempted to be happy for the San Jose Sharks, who, last night, staved off an embarrassing playoff collapse with a game seven victory over Detroit, and thus prevented May 12, 2011 from being the cherry on their sundae of playoff disappointment. Their journey, both as a franchise and in this postseason, is not too dissimilar from our hometown Canucks: neither team has won a cup, we share a time zone, our stars are unfairly labeled underachievers, and we’re mutually fascinated with Kyle Wellwood. It’s tempting to draw from our mutual understanding and wish the Sharks well, or wish their weary but supportive fanbase some success. It’s tempting to associate San Jose’s journey with Vancouver’s, and thereby to think good thoughts.

Don’t do it. If, when you think of the San Jose Sharks, you think “good”, you’re doing it wrong. For the next four to seven games, the San Jose Sharks are bad, and are only to be associated with bad things and bad sharks. If you find yourself thinking about good sharks, you’d sure as Hell better not be thinking about the San Jose Sharks, because the San Jose Sharks are bad.

Maybe you’re thinking of Sharky & George, the French-Canadian children’s cartoons featuring two private fish detectives that solve mysteries in the underwater city of Seacago. Sharky & George were good guys. So were the Street Sharks, the half-man, half-shark, pizza-loving TMNT ripoffs. That said, while these crime-fighting units were indeed good, their television programs were less so. Yet still, both shows were better than the San Jose Sharks, who are as bad as they come, and nowhere near as jawsome.

If you’re thinking of good sharks, you may be thinking of Jabberjaw, Hanna Barbera’s friendly great white shark. He was a good shark and a serviceable percussionist. Ironically, while he was good at making music, the creators of his program weren’t. Jabberjaw has maybe the worst theme song of all time. Also, the show was total garbage, not unlike the San Jose Sharks.

But why are you thinking of good and friendly sharks anyways? Sharks are violent predators. Think of the jaguar shark that ate Steve Zissou‘s partner, Esteban. Well, rumour has it the San Jose Sharks are just as likely to murder a documentarian. Think of Jaws. I’ve heard the San Jose Sharks are just as prone to eating tourists. Think of the three Jaws sequels, too. The Sharks are just as terrible.

Speaking of bad shark-based programmming, consider Dreamworks’ poorly received animated film Shark Tale, criticized for its negative portrayal of Italian-Americans. Or consider that Happy Days episode where Fonzie jumped the shark. That was stupid, especially Fonzie’s beach outfit — a leather jacket and denim shorty shorts. Or consider the laughably bad exploding shark scene from the campy 1960s Batman. Well, the San Jose Sharks are worse than all of these things combined. They’re dressed worse than Fonzie, too, with their ghastly teal uniforms. They don’t even need shark repellant to self-destruct. And, they may be just as prejudiced against Italians. If they take a run at Roberto Luongo, you’ll know why.

Speaking of bad sharks and Batman, the Dark Knight has squared off against a number of shark villains. Consider the evil smuggler Gunther Hardwicke, who wore a shark mask to hide his identity. Are the San Jose Sharks also smugglers? There’s no evidence to suggest this, perhaps because they smuggled it.

James Woods? Good. His canceled legal drama Shark? Not so good. The San Jose Sharks? Much worse.

Shark Week on Discovery? Super awesome. The San Jose Sharks? Super not awesome.

If you still think the sharks are good, you might be thinking of GameShark, the cartridge you use to cheat your way through Nintendo games. Not only are the Sharks worse, but they cheat worse. Rumour has it Joe Thornton has never beaten Castlevania without using a GameShark. No wonder he can’t perform when the pressure’s on.

Or maybe you’re thinking of Shark Bites fruit candy. They were delicious. But they were also high in fat. Do you know what else is high in fat? Kyle Wellwood. Guess where he plays? Yeah, not only are the sharks bad, they’re bad for you.

What do the San Jose Sharks have in common with Australian rugby’s Cronulla Sharks, English basketball’s Sheffield Sharks, indoor soccer’s Orlando Sharks, the Shanghai Sharks of the Chinese Basketball association, and Nigeria’s Sharks FC? No, it’s not their nickname — it’s that they’re all crap at hockey.

Bad in every conceivable way, these Sharks.

In closing, the San Jose Sharks are bad.

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33 comments

  1. camcharron
    May 13, 2011

    “Think of the three Jaws sequels, too.”

    When you hear “Shark” and “Three” in the same sentence, think of “San Jose Sharks, Round Three” and equate it to “Jaws 3D”

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  2. Pepe Silvia
    May 13, 2011

    But… but what about Shark Week on Discovery? That’s good!

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    • Harrison Mooney
      May 13, 2011

      There. Added. Maybe this will help clear things up for you.

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      • Pepe Silvia
        May 13, 2011

        You are quite the gentleman. I bet you get all the ladies

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        • Harrison Mooney
          May 13, 2011

          Oh yeah. If anything leads to sweet makeouts, it’s hockey blogging.

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  3. Wisp
    May 13, 2011

    Two words: Tonic Immobility

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  4. BECanucks
    May 13, 2011

    Got it! The Sharks are bad. Clean and easy to understand, Go ‘Nucks Go!

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  5. vancityt
    May 13, 2011

    I say never trust a land shark: http://www.spike.com/video-clips/gytf2i/land-shark

    Classic.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      May 13, 2011

      Classic indeed. I love this sketch.

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      • Daniel Wagner
        May 13, 2011

        One of my all-time favorites from SNL.

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        • DanD
          May 14, 2011

          I was going to say the only good shark is a land shark, but you beat me to it. Well played!

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  6. chicken chick
    May 13, 2011

    Cardinal Sin is my confessor
    And he flew in just yesterday
    He is a rabid hockey fan
    Who’s come to cheer for San Jose

    I said, “I know the Nucks will win.”
    He crossed himself and said “Okay.
    Who besides the sisters Sedin?
    I have seen nuns more tough than they!”

    I noted Ryan and Bobby Lou
    He said that he might need to pray.
    “That Luongo is none too bad,
    And Kessler seems to find a way.”

    “But God’s not into choosing sides,
    Does not support the CIA,
    And Jesus just forgives the sins
    Of those who’ve sadly gone astray”

    “What you observe of course is true:
    The black and white has turned to gray,
    For we both know the winning team
    Will be the one that comes to play.”

    “Not to insult a man of faith,
    But that is just the old cliche.
    The team that wins this playoff round
    Will be the one plays best away.”

    And so we went on through the night,
    Suggesting each had feet of clay,
    Enjoying well the trite exchange
    Of silly things we had to say.

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    • One Stone
      May 13, 2011

      Unless you pronounce “win” to rhyme with the geniuses behind Bananas and Blow then you’re saying “Sedin” wrong.

      And no Steller’s Jays yet? Lots of rhyme/pun potential…

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      • chicken chick
        May 13, 2011

        One Stone: Only lines two and four are meant to rhyme; however, thanks for your concern.
        CC

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  7. Danica
    May 13, 2011

    Guys, all we have to do is flip the Sharks on their backs:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SS6NjdGLVZs

    #fliptheSharks

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  8. TheWellwoods
    May 13, 2011

    There is only one thing worse than the San Jose Sharks, and that is ill-tempered San Jose Sharks with frickin’ lasers attached to their heads!!

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  9. Marda
    May 13, 2011

    HA – Love all the Kyle Wellwood mentions :)

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  10. Timmy
    May 13, 2011

    But what about sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads? are they good or bad?

    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_h405_C2RNpc/TJOU-VSlFrI/AAAAAAAAAkc/qrmqfAnMFBg/s1600/Sharks-With-Frickin-Laser-Beams-Attached-To-Their-Heads-Austin-Powers.jpg

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    • Nuckling
      May 14, 2011

      Those sharks were indeed good! But as explained in the first Austin Powers, they were wiped out around the 90s (and thus had to be replaced with sea-bass). The San Jose sharks appeared in the 90′s. This is not a coincidence as sharks (unlike orcas) are known cannibals. Thus the good sharks were undoubtedly destroyed by the BAD sharks of San Jose.

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  11. Art
    May 13, 2011

    But… but… but…

    :’(

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  12. Timmmy
    May 14, 2011

    Also, the sharks in Finding Nemo, they tried to destroy innocent little fish AND blew up a submarine!

    Spot on with the Cronulla Sharks reference, it is also worth noting that they are bad at Rugby League also.

    I love this column :D

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    • beninvictoria
      May 14, 2011

      all that makes me think about is “Finding Nemo” Antti Niemi (nickname Nemo) jokes…..

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  13. Emily Hall
    May 14, 2011

    I totally agree Sharks are bad…bad-ass that is.

    What can you say about Canucks? The term is slang for Canadians. Is that good? What else can be said about Canucks? (silence) I think having an identity, whether good or bad, is better than not having an identity at all.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      May 14, 2011

      Are you a Sharks troll? If so, you’ve gotta come harder than that. Our Blackhawks trolls write poetry.

      Anyway, welcome.

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      • Emily Hall
        May 17, 2011

        I’m not a troll, I don’t go to sites to harass other teams fans. I just want to defend my team and cheer them on. I’m not into bashing whether it be crude insults or invetive filled Shakespearean sonnets

        I do like doing parodies for my team, here’s my most current one:

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        • best behaviour
          April 28, 2013

          It’s just a joke. They’re making fun of the way fans vilify rival teams and their fans. It’s irony – they’re not saying the Sharks are objectively bad. Though one year they did write that the Kings were objectively bad, or it might have been the Bruins. They’re just saying that our rivals in the playoffs are objectively bad. So then, this year the… wait, never mind. The Sharks *are* objectively bad! Down with Sharks! Go Canucks Go!

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      • naturalmystic
        April 28, 2013

        Don’t forget they tried to get the team to play Nickleback.

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    • J21
      April 29, 2013

      Team name = identity? Surely, surely you can do better than that, particularly for a team that came about in the ’90s.

      I don’t think anyone takes a lot of issue with the New York Yankees or Knicks, even if their names aren’t angry animals.

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  14. vicki
    May 15, 2011

    okay, i’m a sharks fan, and this is hilarious. best of luck to your ‘nucks, it’s going to be a great series :)

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  15. Zach Morris
    April 27, 2013

    The Canucks: wonderful! super! fantastic! coolness, remarkable! (and blue)

    The Sharks: none of these things.

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  16. Naturalmystic
    April 27, 2013

    If the Casucks are to have any chance at all against the Sharks, they will need the help of some French Canadian trappers.

    http://www.spike.com/video-clips/hwy495/the-kids-in-the-hall-office-trappers

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  17. RG
    April 28, 2013

    Doesn’t Wellwood play for the Jets?

    Regardless, let’s get the playoffs started! I hope certain Canucks find that extra gear.

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  18. the real bob
    April 29, 2013

    Hopefully the sharks (and Patrick Marleau’s face) remember what Bieksa did in the series in 2011 and that intimidates them

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