With their loss to the Los Angeles Kings on Saturday night, the Sharks close out the 2013 season as the sixth seed in the Western Conference. This means a first-round playoff date with the third seed, your Vancouver Canucks.
We’ll have plenty of coverage leading up to this series (as well as during it), just as we always do, but for tonight, we would simply like to remind you of something.
This post originally appeared on May 13, 2011, in advance of the Canucks’ Western Conference Final series versus the Sharks two years ago. It was true then and it’s true now: the San Jose Sharks are bad.
One might be tempted to be happy for the San Jose Sharks, who, last night, staved off an embarrassing playoff collapse with a game seven victory over Detroit, and thus prevented May 12, 2011 from being the cherry on their sundae of playoff disappointment. Their journey, both as a franchise and in this postseason, is not too dissimilar from our hometown Canucks: neither team has won a cup, we share a time zone, our stars are unfairly labeled underachievers, and we’re mutually fascinated with Kyle Wellwood. It’s tempting to draw from our mutual understanding and wish the Sharks well, or wish their weary but supportive fanbase some success. It’s tempting to associate San Jose’s journey with Vancouver’s, and thereby to think good thoughts.
Don’t do it. If, when you think of the San Jose Sharks, you think “good”, you’re doing it wrong. For the next four to seven games, the San Jose Sharks are bad, and are only to be associated with bad things and bad sharks. If you find yourself thinking about good sharks, you’d sure as Hell better not be thinking about the San Jose Sharks, because the San Jose Sharks are bad.
Maybe you’re thinking of Sharky & George, the French-Canadian children’s cartoons featuring two private fish detectives that solve mysteries in the underwater city of Seacago. Sharky & George were good guys. So were the Street Sharks, the half-man, half-shark, pizza-loving TMNT ripoffs. That said, while these crime-fighting units were indeed good, their television programs were less so. Yet still, both shows were better than the San Jose Sharks, who are as bad as they come, and nowhere near as jawsome.
If you’re thinking of good sharks, you may be thinking of Jabberjaw, Hanna Barbera’s friendly great white shark. He was a good shark and a serviceable percussionist. Ironically, while he was good at making music, the creators of his program weren’t. Jabberjaw has maybe the worst theme song of all time. Also, the show was total garbage, not unlike the San Jose Sharks.
But why are you thinking of good and friendly sharks anyways? Sharks are violent predators. Think of the jaguar shark that ate Steve Zissou‘s partner, Esteban. Well, rumour has it the San Jose Sharks are just as likely to murder a documentarian. Think of Jaws. I’ve heard the San Jose Sharks are just as prone to eating tourists. Think of the three Jaws sequels, too. The Sharks are just as terrible.
Speaking of bad shark-based programmming, consider Dreamworks’ poorly received animated film Shark Tale, criticized for its negative portrayal of Italian-Americans. Or consider that Happy Days episode where Fonzie jumped the shark. That was stupid, especially Fonzie’s beach outfit — a leather jacket and denim shorty shorts. Or consider the laughably bad exploding shark scene from the campy 1960s Batman. Well, the San Jose Sharks are worse than all of these things combined. They’re dressed worse than Fonzie, too, with their ghastly teal uniforms. They don’t even need shark repellant to self-destruct. And, they may be just as prejudiced against Italians. If they take a run at Roberto Luongo, you’ll know why.
Speaking of bad sharks and Batman, the Dark Knight has squared off against a number of shark villains. Consider the evil smuggler Gunther Hardwicke, who wore a shark mask to hide his identity. Are the San Jose Sharks also smugglers? There’s no evidence to suggest this, perhaps because they smuggled it.
James Woods? Good. His canceled legal drama Shark? Not so good. The San Jose Sharks? Much worse.
Shark Week on Discovery? Super awesome. The San Jose Sharks? Super not awesome.
If you still think the sharks are good, you might be thinking of GameShark, the cartridge you use to cheat your way through Nintendo games. Not only are the Sharks worse, but they cheat worse. Rumour has it Joe Thornton has never beaten Castlevania without using a GameShark. No wonder he can’t perform when the pressure’s on.
Or maybe you’re thinking of Shark Bites fruit candy. They were delicious. But they were also high in fat. Do you know what else is high in fat? Kyle Wellwood. Guess where he plays? Yeah, not only are the sharks bad, they’re bad for you.
What do the San Jose Sharks have in common with Australian rugby’s Cronulla Sharks, English basketball’s Sheffield Sharks, indoor soccer’s Orlando Sharks, the Shanghai Sharks of the Chinese Basketball association, and Nigeria’s Sharks FC? No, it’s not their nickname — it’s that they’re all crap at hockey.
Bad in every conceivable way, these Sharks.
In closing, the San Jose Sharks are bad.Tags: BAD BAD BAD, Canucks, featured, It's not slander it's libel, playoffs, propaganda, Questionable Comedic Content, Sharks, thornton, Western Conference