Who are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles of the Vancouver Canucks?

The Sedins are twin Donatellos, obviously.

Earlier this morning at the other blog I write for, Greg Wyshynski asked an interesting question: Who are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for your team?

As you may know, the Turtles are a quartet. But what you may not know is that their four members fit into four basic archetypes. There’s the austere leader, the silly guy, the philosopher, and the bad boy. The same can be said of the Beatles, the cast of Seinfeld, the non-infant members of the Simpsons family, the Sweathogs, and almost any other popular quartet in popular culture.

“It’s like some essential human grouping pattern,”  Linus Millberg says in Jonathan Lethem’s Fortress of Solitude. 

Working out who on any given hockey club might fit into this pattern makes for a fun exercise, so we thought we’d bring it to you here at PITB. Who are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles of the Canucks?

First, a quick review of the four character types, courtesy Wyshynski:

Leonardo (blue mask): The measured, valiant leader of the group. Strong and fearless.

Donatello (purple mask): The scientist who prefers to use intellect rather than his bo staff to solve conflicts. A bit shy.

Michelangelo (orange mask): The pizza-gobbling free spirit of the group whose “Cowabunga” launched a million T-shirts.

Raphael (red mask): The temperamental bad boy of the group. And he speaks with a New York accent!

And here… we… go.

Let’s start with Donatello, because I think that one’s the easiest. A player that prefers the cerebral over the physical? You just described a Sedin, my friend. I’m going to cheat and say that both Daniel and Henrik are Donatello, since they’re effectively the same person, as Daniel’s 905th NHL game demonstrated for us on Monday.

The others are a little trickier. Unlike the Turtles, the Canucks aren’t led by Leonardo. They’re led by twin Donatellos. That said, the Sedins are basically inimitable aliens. I think most of us would agree that Ryan Kesler is the team’s spiritual leader, the one who leads by example. So let’s call him Leonardo.

Onto the wild child, and this one’s a toss-up. On one hand, Zack Kassian is beginning to get a bit of a reputation for his partying ways, and he’s certainly a free spirit. He’s weird as all Hell. But I think I’ll give this to Bieksa, who’s the quippiest interview and the most likely to spawn a catchphrase. Not to mention I think anybody who watches his game knows that he’s a bit unpredictable. We’ll give him the nod, although I suspect this is the one that will cause the most debate.

And finally, Raphael. Now, Alex Burrows isn’t really a “bad boy”, per se. But he’s far and away the most likely to get in trouble. He’s the most antagonistic guy on the Canucks, and the one that always seems to be in the thick of things. Plus did someone say “accent”? Because Burrows’ accent is so thick, he could spread it on toast.

Agree? Disagree? Fight in the comments.

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21 comments

  1. JDM
    April 23, 2013

    Raphael should probably be Max Lapierre. Michaelangelo is perfect, though. Wysh’s article proclaimed Marchand as the best Michaelangelo but Bieksa is clearly better, as Marchand is more of a Mike/Raph blend.

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  2. Nee
    April 23, 2013

    Leonardo: The measured, valiant leader of the group. Strong and fearless.
    - Henrik and Daniel, absolutely

    Donatello: prefers to use intellect rather than his bo staff to solve conflicts. A bit shy.
    - Kesler doesn’t really fit this mold, though I’d like to put him in this Fantastic Four. I’m going to go with…DAN HAMHUIS. Or, Manny Malhotra.

    Michelangelo: The pizza-gobbling free spirit.
    - Bieksa. No, Kesler. NO, BIEKSA. Ahhhhh I can’t decide.

    Raphael: The temperamental bad boy of the group.
    - Burrows or Lapierre. I’ll go with Burrows, just because he has more seniority.

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  3. sarah
    April 23, 2013

    Does this make AV Shredder? Is Duncan Kieth Beebop or Rocksteady. Do people born after 95 have any idea what we’re talking about?

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  4. Brent
    April 23, 2013

    Like all your choices. I see the angst with Kessler, but although he is not the Captain, I really think of him as a captain. Henrik is Captain because of the points and I assume leads by quiet example. I suspect that Kesler is a more “in your face” motivator.

    And here is a prediction, this post will get an order of magnitude less comments than your last one.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      April 23, 2013

      I expect 8 comments total.

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      • Kenny-Blankenship
        April 23, 2013

        Does your comment count as 1?

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        • Neil B
          April 23, 2013

          Does yours?

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  5. Kyle
    April 23, 2013

    This is all, all, wrong! All of it!

    Donatello and Leonardo are Daniel and Henrik respectively. Thoughtful valiant leader and his number 2. Burrows is Michaelangelo. Jokester, shit disturber.

    Kesler is Raphael. Lone wolf, always with a chip on his shoulder.

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    • immie_8
      April 23, 2013

      Of all the possibilities I’ve read, I agree with this one most. Although, I’m still debating on whether Burr or Bieksa should would fit better as Mikey!

      Oh how I loved the Ninja Turtles; they just don’t make cartoons like they used to!

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    • smj
      April 24, 2013

      This is closer for me – although I have to put luongo in as micha…clearly a jokester. I like kesler as Raphael, temperamental could not be a better word for him.

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  6. Papajoemaloo
    April 23, 2013

    Leonardo – Aaron Rome. Yes Sensei!

    Donatello – Definitely the Sedins

    Michelangelo – Bieksa is a good choice but I gotta lean towards Kassian on this one. Bieksa is not goofy enough.

    Raphael – This has to be Ryan Kesler. How is he not Rapheal; attitude is always a question and just wants to do it all himself.

    “He is generally the most likely to experience extremes of emotion, and is usually depicted as being aggressive, sullen, maddened, and rebellious.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raphael_(Teenage_Mutant_Ninja_Turtles)#cite_note-2

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  7. Matt
    April 23, 2013

    Marchand is clearly Splinter.

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    • The Bookie
      April 24, 2013

      then Kane + Toews = BeBop & Rocksteady

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  8. Mickey
    April 23, 2013

    Kesler is Raphael: petulant, moody, tough. That’s the only real slam dunk.

    Leonardo – Schneider : calm, cool, collected, and currently leading the team.

    Donatello – Sedins

    Michelangelo – Lapierre: Happy Lappy

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  9. PeeSeeGee
    April 23, 2013

    OK, this seemed great and then Harrison got them all wrong or maybe I need to go back and watch the Turtles again, either way:

    Leonardo: Agree that the Sedin’s are one person but there is no way they are not Leonardo, spiritual leader, methodical, play by example.

    Michaelangelo: Before reading anything other than the title, my first though was this has to be Ballard. The poorly planned jokes, the disastrous decisions, the permanent seat in the dog house.

    Raphael: I think this is Kesler. An inherent part of the bad boy is when he gets so mad he carries the entire event to its conclusion with brute force. All the trash talk of his earlier years in the league, his Keslurking.

    Donatello: Probably the hardest one, I flip flop between Tanev and Hamhuis, but go for Tanev. Cool as a cucumber, doesn’t use his size because he always makes the right play. Intellect over brawn seems like Tanev’s MO.

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  10. Rob
    April 23, 2013

    Leonardo: The measured, valiant leader of the group. Strong and fearless. – Kesler or Bieksa

    Donatello: The scientist who prefers to use intellect rather than his bo staff to solve conflicts. A bit shy. – Sedins or Tanev

    Michelangelo: The pizza-gobbling free spirit of the group whose “Cowabunga” launched a million T-shirts. – Kassian

    Raphael: The temperamental bad boy of the group. And he speaks with a New York accent! – Burrows or Lapierre

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    • Rituro
      April 23, 2013

      Voice too squeaky. Disqualified.

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    • The Bookie
      April 24, 2013

      Honey Badger is Casey Jones!

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  11. Neil B
    April 24, 2013

    Leonardo: The measured, valiant leader of the group. Strong and fearless. – Hank

    Donatello: The scientist who prefers to use intellect rather than his bo staff to solve conflicts. A bit shy. – Schneids or Hamhuis

    Michelangelo: The pizza-gobbling free spirit of the group whose “Cowabunga” launched a million T-shirts. – Kess. Gotta be Kess. Keslurking while gobbling pizza, anyone?

    Raphael: The temperamental bad boy of the group. And he speaks with a New York accent! – For now, Burr. But if Kassian proves himself capable of handling better minutes he gets this one.

    And now, for bonus points:

    Casey Jones: Former foe who becomes a good friend to the Turtles. Torn between Garrison and Roy.

    Splinter: AV. He’s the group’s boss, and a rat.

    Hamato Yoshi: GMMG.

    Shredder: Duncan Keith. ‘Cuz, when he can’t beat the TNMT, Shredder goes after…

    April O’Neil: KJT1040.

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  12. J21
    April 24, 2013

    Luongo is Casey Jones, purely by virtue of the long black hair and goalie equipment.

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