Twenty-four things for Ryan Kesler to remember, now that he’s a winger again

Ryan Kesler and Derek Roy will be back on the same line again Monday versus the Chicago Blackhawks, but there are a few changes to the Canucks’ second line nonetheless. First of all, Chris Higgins returns to the lineup, and he’ll replace Jannik Hansen on the other wing. Second, Ryan Kesler and Derek Roy will trade spots, meaning that, unless Alain Vigneault has an eleventh hour change of heart (like he did last time), Roy will be the centre. Kesler will be reprising his long dormant role as a right-winger.

As if Kesler didn’t have enough things to worry about, what with the problematic current state of his penis:

 

But now he has to try to remember what it’s like to play the wing, a position he hasn’t played since 2009. That’s a long time. He might need a refresher course.

That in mind, we here at Pass it to Bulis have put together a brief list of things he needs to remember as a winger (and we’ve decided to post it here because he reads this webpage before every game, obviously). It’s a complicated position. Maybe he should write all of this on his hand.

• At the ten-minute mark of every period, the right winger on the ice is expected to glove the puck and wing it over the glass to facilitate a TV timeout. It’s the primary reason they’re called wingers.

• If there’s a skirmish at the faceoff circle, the right winger takes the linesman, as demonstrated by Jannik Hansen.

• It’s a penalty for a right winger to touch the blue line. They have to hop over it.

• On odd-man rushes, the right-winger should seize the opportunity to steal the net. Remember that if you get it across the red line without being tagged, you win automatically.

• All wingers are subject to moustache inspections.

• Each winger has three helium balloons floating above their heads. Once all three are popped, they must leave the game.

• During TV timeouts, the right winger may construct a pillow fort in the neutral zone.

• The right winger is responsible for all declarations of “Flying V”.

• All winger’s tie-down straps must be securely fastened…to an opponent’s pants.

• If you get waved into a faceoff, remember to lose it so your centre doesn’t lose confidence in himself.

• When a winger taps an opponent on the head and yells “goose” that opponent has to race around the rink in the opposite direction of the winger and sit down in the place they got tapped first.

• The moment your team touches the puck, blow the zone. No matter what. That includes if your goalie just had to make a save.

• If your centre is Ryan Kesler, don’t even bother calling for the puck because you won’t get it. Oh wait… you’re Ryan Kesler. Nevermind.

• Wingers are not, under any circumstances, allowed to touch the wall. Pretend it’s hot lava.

• Remember that only centres can make forward passes. For wingers, it’s rugby rules.

• If you can touch the wall in the opposing zone, you say “king me”. Then and only then may you move backwards.

• Remember that, in the “tall man in an overcoat” play, the winger is the guy on the bottom.

• Once per game, at a time determined by the refs prior to puck drop, the right winger is allowed to kick the puck into the net with a distinct kicking motion.

• One winger from each team is required to play the second period for the opposition. And you have to try.

• On delayed penalties, the wingers link arms and skate around that way. It’s tradition.

• If the centre asks you to kiss the ring, you kiss the ring. Don’t forget to give Roy the ring before puck drop.

• If a winger gets into a fight, eye gouges and fishhooks are the only allowable moves.

• When a winger gains possession of the puck, he is required to shout “KABBADI!” continuously. If he stops, he has to give the puck back.

• If a winger is able to steal a referee’s whistle during a scrum, they switch places and the winger determines all penalty calls.

Best of luck to Kesler.

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7 comments

  1. Scott
    April 22, 2013

    So, wait. Under no circumstances can wingers touch the wall, right? But only when they do, can they move backwards. That seems like it makes line changes hard.

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    Rating: +9 (from 9 votes)
  2. Morgan
    April 22, 2013

    @Scott Nobody ever said playing wing was easy! It’s certainly not for everyone.

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    Rating: +6 (from 6 votes)
  3. Brent
    April 22, 2013

    You of course are assuming AV isn’t just messing with Chicago?

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    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
  4. Jacob
    April 22, 2013

    These rules are so silly and ridiculous I bet Gary Bettman will have at least three of them made official for next season.

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    Rating: +13 (from 13 votes)
  5. Doop
    April 22, 2013

    “• If a winger gets into a fight, eye gouges and fishhooks are the only allowable moves.”
    In a big rivalry game that is largely irrelevant to either side I have to imagine that this rule above any other is the one that preemptively guarantees that tonight is going to be psychologically traumatic

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    Rating: +14 (from 14 votes)
  6. kenahora
    April 22, 2013

    I didn’t …”see”….the game…I went to the game. Viewing on TV is very very different….and so much is missed.

    CANUCKS brought their A GAME…tonight…and there is light at the end of the tunnel…!

    From the “get -go” VANCOUVER was determine to… give it to their opponent (a gritty team with lots of talent. ..YET they met their match.

    Suprisingly…the fans were for the most part comatose…politely ,sitting on their brains throughout the game applauding feintly …!
    Such is Vancouver…always was.

    To those naysayers….get a life…! Cause you have serious issues…not limiting ..

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    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  7. Zach Morris
    April 23, 2013

    Calvin Kesler and Derek Hobbes playing Keslerball?

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    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)