Weird Crafts: ’100% New’ Canucks nesting dolls are 60% former players

The great thing about Russian nesting dolls, or matryoshka dolls, is that they can take up as much or as little shelf space as you want. Have plenty of room? Display the entire set! Minimal space? Condense them all into one! Somewhere in-between? Hey man, don’t make me do all of your thinking for you. Figure it out.

I’m not sure how big the intersection of the Venn diagram of Canucks fans and people who want to own matryoshka dolls would be, but I imagine that there are a few of you out there. If that is the case, this set of Canucks nesting dolls might be for you. The only problem is that three of the five players depicted by the dolls are no longer on the Canucks.

This set of nesting dolls is available on Etsy from user artmatryoshka, who sells a lot of other sports-themed nesting dolls, most of which put a little more effort into making the dolls actually look like the players they’re meant to represent. You’d be forgiven if you had no idea who these dolls were meant to depict.

Fortunately, whoever hand-painted these saw fit to include their names and numbers on the back of each doll, to aid in identification.

Yep, those first two dolls, with their dark black eyebrows and clean-shaven faces, are meant to be the Sedins. Those are the only two players still on the Canucks since these dolls were made, with Mikael Samuelsson, Pavol Demitra, and Sami Salo rounding out the set.

According to the description, these nesting dolls are “100% New!” which seems like false advertising.

These might be perfect for you if you’re a nostalgic Canucks fans, longing for the halcyon days of the 2009-10 season, the only time all five of these players were on the team at the same time. Who wouldn’t want to commemorate the Canucks’ second straight loss in the Conference Semifinals to the Chicago Blackhawks?

Or maybe you just want the battery. Bad news, pal: it’s just for scale. It doesn’t come with the set. Sorry.

The choice of Salo is certainly defensible: the man played for the Canucks for a decade and was one of the Canucks’ best defencemen during that time. But Samuelsson had just signed with the Canucks and Demitra was in his second and final year with the team. Why them and not two players more iconically identified with the Canucks, like Ryan Kesler, Alex Burrows, or Roberto Luongo?

Quite frankly, I don’t think this is worth buying and I sincerely doubt that anything in the item’s description could change my mind:

5 piece matryoshka doll set, featuring different famous Vancouver Canucks hockey team players. This set is made by hand in Russia. It is made of linden wood and then painted by a professional matryoshka doll artist. It is a sport matryoshka doll, and each smaller piece of the set fits into the next larger one. Each matryoshka is polished with 3 layers of crystal clear lacquer.

Wait, did you say it’s made out of Linden wood? Nevermind, then, I’m sold.

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13 comments

  1. Innovation
    February 8, 2013

    But they are made out of linden wood! LINDEN wood!

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  2. Nee
    February 8, 2013

    Haha, “linden wood”.

    I would totally buy these if they were updated. But I’d rather get them in Europe. I have friends who have picked them up in the Czech Republic. That’s a little more exciting than saying “I bought them on Etsy”.

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    Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
  3. Scott
    February 8, 2013

    lol @ “Or maybe you just want the battery. Bad news, pal: it’s just for scale. It doesn’t come with the set. Sorry.”

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  4. kavi36
    February 8, 2013

    Is it just me or do they all look like they are sticking out their tongues?

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    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  5. Brent
    February 8, 2013

    I think they all look like a slavitized version of Sami Salo.

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    Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
  6. Zach Morris
    February 8, 2013

    You scared me with this article.
    First the title made me think former Canucks players had been recycled like plastic bottles, their bodies used for matroyshka dolls.
    Then I saw Linden wood, and my fears were confirmed.

    How far does this go?!

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  7. George Stevens
    February 8, 2013

    RIP Demitra.

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    Rating: +6 (from 6 votes)
  8. TeeJay
    February 9, 2013

    You can put them all together by stacking them insidestarting with the big one by sizes, so you have just one with the othes inside. Hey! If you can do this with the real ones, combining them into one, What do you have?
    SUPER CANUCK!!! Awesome!!!!!

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    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  9. 614canuck
    February 9, 2013

    They look awfully like a Tron X Canucks colab.

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  10. obituary mambo
    February 9, 2013

    It’s almost as if the word linden wood was used specifically to make the dolls intriguing to Canucks fans. That being the case, why not include Linden in the set? As the most iconic player in team history, he’d have a place regardless of the fact that he’s no longer on the team. I fully agree that the inclusion of Salo is well deserved. Demitra was most likely included due to his untimely demise (RIP). Samuelsson? If it’s going to be a random set, it seems another choice would have been in order. However, the fact that none of the dolls even remotely resemble the players they’re meant to represent, it’s probably best Trev wasn’t included. Now I don’t need to waste my time, energy and money trying to get my hands on a set.

    Great read, btw. Hilarious as always.

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    • Brent
      February 9, 2013

      Just in case you didn’t know, it wasn’t marketing, Linden wood is a real type of wood.

      http://www.specialtywoodsolutions.com/liwo.html

      Maybe Trev plays a guitar made of Linden wood! Now THAT would be something I would want to buy. Have to be signed though.

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      • obituary mambo
        February 9, 2013

        Oh yeah, I definitely know linden wood is real. In fact, the small Czech city in which I live has a historical walkway lined on both sides by linden trees. It’s one of the city’s landmarks. Having said that, I’ve yet to see anything marketed as having been crafted from linden wood.

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  11. Marc
    February 9, 2013

    I never liked those Russian nesting dolls. They’re too full of themselves.

    Jimmy Carr

    Really tho, these are weird.

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