Alex Burrows wins the “Most obviously has something in his mouth” award.
Canucks’ training camp opened on Sunday, which means that we are, finally, within days of actual NHL action. But there’s another reason to get exciting about the first gathering of Vancouver’s rosters and prospects of the 2013 campaign: picture day, where the team stockpiles its official headshots for the coming year.
Picture day always lead to unintentional comedy. Most of the guys would rather be anywhere else. Very few actually prepare for it. And, judging from any year’s results, the players are given no direction as to what to do with their faces. Some smile. Some glower. Some lower their head. Some raise it. And some stare past the lens, directly into the soul of anyone who views the photo later on.
Granted, none of the Canucks’ photos can match the weird hippie look Rick “Sunshine King” DiPietro brought to the table, or the full Wookiee that Brent Burns finally achieved this year, but the legendary Jeff Vinnick still managed to snap some pretty good ones. We’d like to highlight a few in our first annual headshot awards.
MOST INTIMIDATING: ZACK KASSIAN
“Okay Zack, say cheese.”
“Zack, you can’t be eating an ice cream cone in your photo. Give it here.”
“But then it will melt.”
“Hand it over, Zack.”
“BUT THEN IT WILL MELT.”
“Just give me the ice cream cone. You can have it back in, like, two seconds when we’re finished.”
“Thank you. Now say cheese.”
“NO. I HATE YOU NOW.”
CREEPIEST BLUE EYES: PETER ANDERSSON
Theory 1: Peter Andersson doesn’t have eyes — they were pecked out by a raven when he was a baby, like Peter Nimble — and the ones you see here have been digitally imposed after the fact by Dreamworks. That’s why they look like completely soulless fluorescent blue dots.
Theory 2: Laser eyes.
MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED (AT MURDERING YOU): ANDREW GORDON
Kassian’s death stare and Andersson’s creepy blue eyes are one thing, but not a single photo in this year’s batch says “Obvious serial killer” quite like Andrew Gordon’s. Here’s what I imagine happened: an escaped mental patient trying to hide from the authorities slipped into Rogers Arena. He knew he had to change out of his hospital gown. Searching around, he found a bin of sweaters, and put one on. GORDON, it said on the back.
As he attempted to slink through the halls, a woman with a clipboard ran up to him. She quickly scanned the back of his sweater, then said, “Gordon! What are you doing on this side of the building! You’re supposed to be getting your photo taken!” She led the escaped mental patient to a room on the other side of the building, where she made him sit down on a stool.
“Who’s this?” Jeff Vinnick said, looking at his checklist.
“Andrew Gordon,” the woman said.
“Great,” Vinnick said, “Let’s make this quick and then you can go meet the rest of the guys and have lunch.”
Free lunch? The escaped mental patient had stumbled into some sort of heaven and he never wanted to leave. It was then that he realized: if he wanted to remain in this paradise, he was going to have to kill the real Andrew Gordon. And he was going to enjoy it.
THE DEBBIE DOWNER LOOKALIKE AWARD: JOE CANNATA
“What’s there to smile about? According to a recent report, Arctic sea ice could completely disappear within four years.”
THE ‘HASN’T SLEPT IN A WEEK’ AWARD: MASON RAYMOND
Look at those bags under his eyes. It’s as though Mason Raymond tried to stay awake through the entire lockout. (That might be it. His wife had a baby on April 8.) Or maybe he’s just tired from flying to Sweden and then immediately flying back. Either that, or he was recently bitten by a walker. He’s gonna turn soon. We have to deal with this.
MOST CONFUSED: DALE WEISE
“All right, Dale, just have a seat right there.”
“Okay, Jeff. Say, what is this for again?”
“It’s your official team headshot.”
“But aren’t headshots illegal?”
“Am I gonna get, like, suspended for this?”
BEST HAIR: DAVID BOOTH
David Booth may be one of Vancouver’s most notorious meat-eater, but never let it be said that the man doesn’t have some serious salad. Look at that luxurious mop. He looks like a stuntman on Miami Vice.
WORST HAIR: ANTON RODIN
Rodin appears to have hired three separate stylists to work on his head simultaneously, and barred them from communicating with one another.
BEST HAIR (IF YOU WERE A MANGA CHARACTER): FRANKIE CORRADO
Frank Corrado is apparently taking hairstyling tips from the cast of Dragonball Z. Guarantee you Corrado walked into his barber and requested “The Goku”. I also guarantee that, if you checked his power level on Vegeta’s scouter, it would be over 9000. But if you were rating this haircut on a scale from 1 to 10,000, it would probably be under 9000.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY LECHEROUS
“What sort of look are we going for this year, Jeff?”
“Just the normal, Henrik.”
“How about… seductive?”
“Just the normal.”
“Seductive is the new normal.
“Just sit still.”
“Sit still… seductively?”
THE STANLEY KUBRICK AWARD FOR TILTING YOUR HEAD DOWN THEN LOOKING SLIGHTLY UP SO YOU LOOK HALF-CRAZED: RYAN KESLER
Seriously, all he needs is a bowler hat and that weird eye.
MOST UNCOMFORTABLE TO BE HERE: ROBERTO LUONGO
No surprise Roberto Luongo won this award, all things considered, but he didn’t win it by default. He nailed it. That is the face of pure discomfort. This is his official headshot, and it’s the perfect headshot for Luongo this year. Look at that uneasy, crooked smile. He’s practically cringing. If anyone remains unconvinced that his return to Vancouver is crazy awkward for him, show them this photo. You’re not fooling anyone, Lu.Tags: Questionable Comedic Content