The Canuck headshot awards, starring escaped mental patient Andrew Gordon

Alex Burrows wins the “Most obviously has something in his mouth” award.

Canucks’ training camp opened on Sunday, which means that we are, finally, within days of actual NHL action. But there’s another reason to get exciting about the first gathering of Vancouver’s rosters and prospects of the 2013 campaign: picture day, where the team stockpiles its official headshots for the coming year.

Picture day always lead to unintentional comedy. Most of the guys would rather be anywhere else. Very few actually prepare for it. And, judging from any year’s results, the players are given no direction as to what to do with their faces. Some smile. Some glower. Some lower their head. Some raise it. And some stare past the lens, directly into the soul of anyone who views the photo later on.

Granted, none of the Canucks’ photos can match the weird hippie look Rick “Sunshine King” DiPietro brought to the table, or the full Wookiee that Brent Burns finally achieved this year, but the legendary Jeff Vinnick still managed to snap some pretty good ones. We’d like to highlight a few in our first annual headshot awards.

MOST INTIMIDATING: ZACK KASSIAN

“Okay Zack, say cheese.”

“Cheese!”

“Zack, you can’t be eating an ice cream cone in your photo. Give it here.”

“But then it will melt.”

“Hand it over, Zack.”

“BUT THEN IT WILL MELT.”

“Just give me the ice cream cone. You can have it back in, like, two seconds when we’re finished.”

“Whatever.”

“Thank you. Now say cheese.”

“NO. I HATE YOU NOW.”

*click*

CREEPIEST BLUE EYES: PETER ANDERSSON

Theory 1: Peter Andersson doesn’t have eyes — they were pecked out by a raven when he was a baby, like Peter Nimble — and the ones you see here have been digitally imposed after the fact by Dreamworks. That’s why they look like completely soulless fluorescent blue dots.

Theory 2: Laser eyes.

MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED (AT MURDERING YOU): ANDREW GORDON

Kassian’s death stare and Andersson’s creepy blue eyes are one thing, but not a single photo in this year’s batch says “Obvious serial killer” quite like Andrew Gordon’s. Here’s what I imagine happened: an escaped mental patient trying to hide from the authorities slipped into Rogers Arena. He knew he had to change out of his hospital gown. Searching around, he found a bin of sweaters, and put one on. GORDON, it said on the back.

As he attempted to slink through the halls, a woman with a clipboard ran up to him. She quickly scanned the back of his sweater, then said, “Gordon! What are you doing on this side of the building! You’re supposed to be getting your photo taken!” She led the escaped mental patient to a room on the other side of the building, where she made him sit down on a stool.

“Who’s this?” Jeff Vinnick said, looking at his checklist.

“Andrew Gordon,” the woman said.

“Great,” Vinnick said, “Let’s make this quick and then you can go meet the rest of the guys and have lunch.”

Free lunch? The escaped mental patient had stumbled into some sort of heaven and he never wanted to leave. It was then that he realized: if he wanted to remain in this paradise, he was going to have to kill the real Andrew Gordon. And he was going to enjoy it.

*click*

THE DEBBIE DOWNER LOOKALIKE AWARD: JOE CANNATA

“Smile, Joe.”

“What’s there to smile about? According to a recent report, Arctic sea ice could completely disappear within four years.”

*click*

THE ‘HASN’T SLEPT IN A WEEK’ AWARD: MASON RAYMOND

Look at those bags under his eyes. It’s as though Mason Raymond tried to stay awake through the entire lockout. (That might be it. His wife had a baby on April 8.) Or maybe he’s just tired from flying to Sweden and then immediately flying back. Either that, or he was recently bitten by a walker. He’s gonna turn soon. We have to deal with this.

MOST CONFUSED: DALE WEISE

“All right, Dale, just have a seat right there.”

“Okay, Jeff. Say, what is this for again?”

“It’s your official team headshot.”

“But aren’t headshots illegal?”

“…”

“Am I gonna get, like, suspended for this?”

*click*

BEST HAIR: DAVID BOOTH

David Booth may be one of Vancouver’s most notorious meat-eater, but never let it be said that the man doesn’t have some serious salad. Look at that luxurious mop. He looks like a stuntman on Miami Vice.

WORST HAIR: ANTON RODIN

Rodin appears to have hired three separate stylists to work on his head simultaneously, and barred them from communicating with one another.

BEST HAIR (IF YOU WERE A MANGA CHARACTER): FRANKIE CORRADO

Frank Corrado is apparently taking hairstyling tips from the cast of Dragonball Z. Guarantee you Corrado walked into his barber and requested “The Goku”. I also guarantee that, if you checked his power level on Vegeta’s scouter, it would be over 9000. But if you were rating this haircut on a scale from 1 to 10,000, it would probably be under 9000.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY LECHEROUS

“What sort of look are we going for this year, Jeff?”

“Just the normal, Henrik.”

“How about… seductive?”

“Just the normal.”

“Seductive is the new normal.

“Just sit still.”

“Sit still… seductively?”

“Sure, whatever.”

*click*

THE STANLEY KUBRICK AWARD FOR TILTING YOUR HEAD DOWN THEN LOOKING SLIGHTLY UP SO YOU LOOK HALF-CRAZED: RYAN KESLER

Seriously, all he needs is a bowler hat and that weird eye.

MOST UNCOMFORTABLE TO BE HERE: ROBERTO LUONGO

No surprise Roberto Luongo won this award, all things considered, but he didn’t win it by default. He nailed it. That is the face of pure discomfort. This is his official headshot, and it’s the perfect headshot for Luongo this year. Look at that uneasy, crooked smile. He’s practically cringing. If anyone remains unconvinced that his return to Vancouver is crazy awkward for him, show them this photo. You’re not fooling anyone, Lu.

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28 comments

  1. Kyle
    January 17, 2013

    Leave Corrado alone, he’s OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAND~

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    • Barry
      January 17, 2013

      We should wait until Corrado is closer to NINE THOUSAAAANDNDDDD days old before using up a year of his entry contract.

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      Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
      • Harrison Mooney
        January 17, 2013

        I did the math, and ha. That’s pretty good.

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        Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  2. Sonia
    January 17, 2013

    “Sit still… seductively?”
    “Sure, whatever.”

    Haha that was my favorite moment!

    Do you have the link to view the rest of the photos?

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    Rating: +16 (from 16 votes)
  3. Rituro
    January 17, 2013

    Comedy gold. Just what I needed to start the day.

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    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
  4. rsen9
    January 17, 2013

    Lu looks like he just read some weird twitter

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  5. HeHughes376
    January 17, 2013

    priceless…thank you for helping me start my day off with laughter.

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    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  6. cathylu
    January 17, 2013

    Oh my gosh…so funny!! I agree about Joe Cannata. I was at the Heat-Wolves game last Friday night and I noticed Joe on the bench – he always looks so sad. What’s up with that? And Zack does sorta scare me.

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  7. Brent
    January 17, 2013

    Harrison,

    Are you aware that your just personally ruined Gordon’s career? As soon as Canucks management saw you post, they became terrified and they put him on waivers!

    Betcha didn’t realize you had such influence, did ya?

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    Rating: +7 (from 7 votes)
    • Harrison Mooney
      January 17, 2013

      I feel awful.

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      Rating: +7 (from 7 votes)
  8. chicken chick
    January 17, 2013

    As hockey needs an image boost,
    This requirement I’ve addressed:
    Let’s have a feature film produced
    A Slap Shot sequel would be best
    Another hokey hockey movie
    Given this cast it could not fail
    With David Booth as Mr. Groovy
    And all the rest just out of jail

    At first it seems they’ve not a chance
    “By Kesler’s Nose’!” they truly suck
    Then Bobby shows them how to dance
    And Henrik how to head the puck
    When Ryan does the pommel horse
    Kass gives his missing tooth to Weise
    Late “in the turd” Burr scores of course
    And many years of stress release

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    Rating: +6 (from 8 votes)
    • Kesler's Nose
      January 17, 2013

      You suck puck!

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  9. Zach Morris
    January 17, 2013

    Maybe I’m uniformed, but are the Canucks wearing new jerseys this year?
    The electric blue around the orca is a bit much

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    • Kesler's Nose
      January 17, 2013

      Nope, same ugly fish!

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  10. Nee
    January 17, 2013

    Bahaha. Laughing at work.

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  11. tj
    January 17, 2013

    Why do all their heads look so long? Oblong-shaped. Actually, except Kassian. His face looks like a hockey-Dali. An eye here, a half a lip there.

    And I wholly disagree about the hair award for Booth. The most ’90s hair, sure…

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  12. Luongold
    January 17, 2013

    Link us, Mooney! We want to see more pictures!

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    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  13. DH
    January 17, 2013

    Ogre from “Revenge of the Nerds” – facial hair = Zack Kassian.

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  14. deliason
    January 17, 2013

    The only good thing about this lockout was that we dont have to wait a full year until the next awards. So awesome

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  15. James Lu
    January 17, 2013

    ROFLOLMAO!!!

    This is gold!! Thanks for making my day!

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    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  16. BK
    January 18, 2013

    Come on, Harrison. Sunshine King? Rick DiPietro clearly was going for the “Count Rugen from The Princess Bride” look.

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  17. Ray Levy
    January 18, 2013

    Excellent post guys. Very funny!

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  18. J21 (@Jyrki21)
    January 18, 2013

    I admit I interpreted “headshot” in the title not unlike your version of Dale Weise… and thought for a second that Burrows had been knocked out at camp or something.

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  19. Rachael
    January 18, 2013

    Au contraire! I believe that is Luongo’s natural smile. He’s feeling so relaxed and comforatlbe (like he was in the Olympics), that it is finally coming out. Wouldn’t you like to believe that he always smiles like that? I would!

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  20. George Stevens
    January 18, 2013

    Pretty sure Luongo was bitten by a Walker too. It’s in the eyes. Not sure if it has anything to do with Raymond’s hatty in the scrimmage.

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  21. Canucklehead_in_T.O.
    January 18, 2013

    The images alone are enough for a solid few minutes of audible giggling, but add in your masterful quippery, and my roommate literally had to come into my room to see if I was choking to death.

    (For the record, I wasn’t….unless you can choke to death on chortles, in which case her timely intervention probably saved my life. Phew.)

    As ever, well played Harrison and Daniel (Darrison? Haniel? Moogner? Wagooney?).

    Bring on tomorrow!

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  22. Wagman
    January 18, 2013

    I was managing pretty good until: “But aren’t headshots illegal?”

    Then I lost it. BWAAHAHAHAHA…

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  23. Wagman
    January 18, 2013

    I think Burrows is upset about Kesler not starting the season… or so we have all been led to believe…

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