Talking heads stop making sense in Roberto Luongo trade speculation

If you’ve been easing yourself back into Canucks coverage, there’s a good possibility you’ve missed something amidst the batcrap insanity that this Roberto Luongo storyline has managed to become. Yes, we’ve only been back since Sunday, but there have already been so many developments in this Snakes-and-Ladders saga that keeping track of everything is next to impossible.

It began the moment the new CBA was announced. Immediately, hockey fans and media washed their hands of that unfortunate diversion and picked right back up where we left off: speculating tirelessly on Roberto Luongo’s next destination. And I do mean tirelessly. We’ve heard a lot about the soon-to-be-announced compressed schedule, but the real story of this week has been the compressed baseless speculation. In what can only be interpreted as a collective bid by the hockey world to make up for lost wasted time, these last five days have been like an episode of American Horror Story: flashbacks; flash forwards; nuns possessed by Satan; Nazi doctors; a murderer that wears a mask made of human skin; Adam Levine; aliens; zombies; a psychotic Santa; a woman that thinks she’s Anne Frank.

File photo of Paul Holmgren.

All of these things and Tyler Bozak have been rumoured to be part of a package for Luongo.

And then, right when we thought we’d narrowed it down — it was the Maple Leafs for sure, and simply a matter of what Brian Burke would give up — the entire story changed Wednesday. First, Brian Burke was fired and replaced by Dave “The Luongo Getter” Nonis, in what can only be described as a flabbergasting move. Seriously, not a flabber went ungasted. And then, just when we thought things couldn’t possibly get any more bizarre, the Philadelphia Flyers tossed their insane hat into the ring.

That’s right. No one knows crazy like Flyers’ GM Paul Holmgren, and the moment he sniffed it in this clownshow, he decided daddy wants a taste. Nevermind that he already has a kooky goalie signed for an eternity. You can never have too many of those.

Enrico Ciccone was the first to announce Philadelphia’s interest, but his name sounds like a WCW wrestler, so it wasn’t until James Duthie corroborated the report that, suddenly, this fever dream became real.

 

Adrian Dater later corroborated James Duthie’s corroboration.

Shortly after this, Paul Holmgren denied the twice-corroborated report. “”That made me chuckle,” Holmgren said to Frank Severalli of the Philadelphia Daily News. “It’s safe to say those rumors aren’t true. They have no basis or merit.” But folks were quick to point out that Holmgren occasionally eschews the truth. And I would be quick to point out that the man is beyond impulsive. Maybe these rumours had no basis or merit… until the Philadelphia Daily News suggested it to him. In my mind, as soon as he hung up on Frank Severalli, Holmgren stroked his chin, then speed-dialed Mike Gillis.

Okay, so it’s the Flyers and the Maple Leafs. Oh, or a third team.

 

Amazing to think that, a day ago, some insiders were speculating that Roberto Luongo might get bought out. Now everyone wants him, maybe?

In any case, here’s what we know after five days back in the saddle with this nonsense: nothing. Maybe the Leafs are still the front-runner, but maybe they aren’t. Maybe they weren’t before, but they are now. Maybe the Flyers are interested. Maybe some other teams are.

What a clustercussAlex Jones thinks this deal needs to settle down.

But it could be worse. You think it’s confusing for you or for us? Imagine being Roberto Luongo, who isn’t just watching hockey’s version of that absurd moment where Willy Wonka terrorizes everyone along the chocolate river of goodness. He’s in the boat.

 

At this point, there’s simply no earthly way of knowing which direction we are going.

Meanwhile, in other Canucks’ goalie news on Wednesday, Cory Schneider wore an interesting hat.

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30 comments

  1. Kelvin Yu
    January 9, 2013

    I’m not sure whether or not I’ll be relieved when Luongo is traded or disappointed. On one hand, we’ll finally be done with this bullpoop. On the other hand, I’ve grown sort of attached to the endless speculation.

    #canucksfanproblems

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  2. Doop
    January 9, 2013

    Best scenario: MLSE fired Burke because he was the only one sane enough to repeatedly stipulate that Jake Gardiner is off the table. Maple Leafs ownership, now fully immersed in their random Moneyball-esque power play firings and dealings, directs Nonis to force the trade through and, in a fever dream induced by consolidating points of conflict and pressure, he DOES send Jake Gardiner to the Canucks as part of the deal. Meanwhile, as the Toronto fanbase’s collective consciousness progresses rapidly from disgust to disillusionment to a full on blood frenzy, the resultant red energies fulminate in a plane merely tangential to time and space until a vortex of bone and viscera oozes into being above the Air Canada Centre, and through which steps a hideously disfigured Pierre McGuire. He descends hundreds of invisible steps with a fidgeting cadence, and, upon reaching the door marked “General Manager’s Office”, at once opens his thirteen mouths and triumphantly squalls a blood-freezing warcry. A hand emerges from underneath a cloak of bloody raven feathers and slowly pushes the door open.

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    • Kenji
      January 10, 2013

      Ulp. So…what was the second best scenario?

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  3. tek9
    January 9, 2013

    either or hope it goes down. Been waiting for this trade to happen.
    no matter where he goes Canucks WIN in the end

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  4. Warpstone
    January 9, 2013

    Clearly all that’s required now to drive Loungo’s price sky-high is a mild groin strain suffered by Schneider. :D

    The longer I look at the logistics of a 48-game season, the less it makes sense to simply deal Lou ASAP.

    Schneider does have a well-documented history of cramping problems when under too much stress. Is it wise to lose the safety net in a season where rests for a clear #1 goalie will be rarer than a normal campaign?

    Plus, who backs up Schnieder if Luongo is dealt now? Lack, Reimer… Leighton? Is it worth adding a 3rd liner or bottom-pairing d-man for a goalie who you can rely on for at least 20 starts in a shortened season?

    Unless someone is willing to pay through the nose, I think the stars are aligning to keep Roberto Luongo on the team until at least the trading deadline in April, with a worst-case scenario of having to move him in Summer.

    It’s not really as horrible a pickle for Gillis as reports make out.

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  5. helen hughes
    January 9, 2013

    Have to agree with warpstone.

    Lack is currently injured so it makes way more sense to hold on to Luongo in this compressed 48 game season and trade him in the summer.

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  6. monkee face
    January 9, 2013

    Where’s David Byrne in all of this? Perhaps the goaltender most willing to ride a bicycle to the rink should start.

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  7. Sans
    January 10, 2013

    Healthy or not, Lack is not even a consideration to back up Schneider this year, so he has no bearing on the decision. If/when Lu goes Van acquires a back up.

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  8. Josh D.
    January 10, 2013

    As much as I insist that we keep Edler, there are some intriguing ideas swirling around a blockbuster trade that we could pull off with the Flyers, I am dying to find out how this story ends.

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    • Brent
      January 10, 2013

      Well it would explain why they didn’t get anyone who could play beside him.

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  9. gog
    January 10, 2013

    I’d love to see Luongo in Philly along with Bryz for a year, Luo has a great sense of humour and Bryz is as entertaining as he’s crazy. Have someone film them 24/7 and make a TV show out of it called “Two goalies, one crease”, it would probably be the most entertaining TV show of the year.

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    • Josh D.
      January 10, 2013

      With a very special episode where Lui helps Bryz get over his fear of bears! I love it!

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      • John in Marpole
        January 10, 2013

        Sounds more like something Booth would help him with, doesn’t it?

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        • the real bob
          January 10, 2013

          David and Ilya’s Excellent Bear Hunting Adventure…next on TSN!

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      • Wetcoaster
        January 10, 2013

        Is that where Lu gives his newest bud Booth a call?

        Also, I think the speculation should be settled with a special episode of The Bachelor, only it’s “The Goalie” Either that or just drop the pretenses and hold a real auction.

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  10. Andre
    January 10, 2013

    Ah! The blogs are unleashed with new-found vitality!
    Hockey is back!
    So much speculation, so much to think about!

    ….

    I think I’ll go back to playing with my dog.
    Wake me up when the season actually begins, or a trade actually happen….

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  11. swizzler
    January 10, 2013

    just a terrific title to this post.

    If PITB is speaking in tongues that i understand, this must be the place.

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    • Brent
      January 10, 2013

      Agreed on the title, arguably the second best concert movie ever made. This post could only be better if it had a gif of Luongo in a big puffy white suite that makes his head look small running around a stage.

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  12. Kingman
    January 10, 2013

    Blah blah and more blah….endless speculation about loser Lu…I hope the Leafs get him so they can continue to lose and stay out of the playoffs.
    Meanwhile the Canucks need to get a true second line center . As long as Kassian is on the team there is no hope in hell they will make it to the post season. This team needs a true sniper !

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    • Daniel Wagner
      January 10, 2013

      *sigh*

      Luongo is the franchise leader in wins. He’s about the furthest thing possible from a “loser.”

      The Canucks have a second line center: Ryan Kesler. While he’s injured, the Canucks have a number of other options as well.

      The Canucks are pretty much guaranteed to make the playoffs this season, whether or not Kassian is on the team. So yes, there is a hope in hell.

      As for the Canucks needing a true sniper, they’ve led the Western Conference in goals for three straight seasons.

      In conclusion, you’re wrong.

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      • chicken hawk
        January 10, 2013

        I now hear this troller saying,
        “We never win that one big game,
        And it’s Luongo is to blame.
        We’d the Cup with Schneider playing!

        “Forget how many games he’s won,
        At bottom line you know it’s true:
        There is no Cup with Bobby Lu,
        A loser when all’s said and done.”

        Of course his head’s right up his ___ .
        You’re fine for centres I agree.
        I’m more concerned about your “D”,
        But not at all re Mau Mau Kass.

        Cheers from your favorite Blackhawk fan
        You’ll make the playoffs sure as hell,
        The question is, “Will you do well?”
        It’s hockey time young Skeeter Dan!

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      • James
        January 10, 2013

        Agreed, but leading a weak conference in goals is not exactly proof that they don’t need help scoring goals. Let alone the brittleness and net filling issues in the playoffs.

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        • John in Marpole
          January 10, 2013

          You mean the weak conference from which the reigning Stanley Cup champions come? That weak conference?

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        • akidd
          January 10, 2013

          weak conference!?! sounds like an eastern conference fan(obviously.) it must’ve been tough, james, the last decade (up until about two years ago) watching all those weak teams skate around that loose d at half-speed. sheesh, were you even paying attention?

          meanwhile, being forged in the fire of competition were about 12 pretty bad-ass western conference teams , each of whom had vaying degrees of a legitimate chance at the cup.

          or did you mean ‘division’?

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      • Kesler's Nose
        January 11, 2013

        Once again Daniel… Who cares what stats they have led. Isn’t the end result a Cup? Obviously not in your mind or thinking. Their best chance to win a Cup has passed them by.

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  13. Frank N
    January 10, 2013

    Can I be a talking, well writing, head too!? That would be cool.

    Could it not be possible Gillis is pushing for a multiple player deal with Toronto? Hence the comments of “he’s asking too much”.

    Something like Luongo, Ballard and Raymond for Kessel and Gardiner (11.8 vs. 6.5 in cap space)?

    With Kessel the Canucks would get a real point scorer and it would give Kessel a new chance, just like it would for Ballard and Raymond.

    Also, it would give the Canucks more scoring up front, a cheaper and younger defensive core and about 7 mln. in cap space to use before the trade deadline. Also, Gardiner could be the insurance against Edler not signing a new contract with the Canucks after this season.

    Then Gillis would look at adding Arnott for around 2mln to fill the role of 2nd line centre while Kesler is out and for depth during the middle the rest of the season) and a back-up goalie for 1.5-2mln. That would leave a cap space of around 5mln to spend before the trade deadline in necessary.

    Of course, the option of adding a player like Couturier or Luke Schenn in a possible Luongo trade to Philly sounds great too.

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  14. Frank N
    January 10, 2013

    Plus one other point. If there was no truth to the rumour that the Flyers are interested in Luongo, why even react to it in the media? While Holmgren did himself some serious disservice, he helped the Canucks strengthen their trading position…

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  15. jimbob
    January 10, 2013

    this story is more entertaining than anything else going on right now (although prob not as much so for RL). twitter the last few days has been gold!
    i would prefer a trade with philly, they have way more to offer us than toronto does, although im predicting a trade with florida. it’s gillis’ go to move.

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  16. TeeJay
    January 10, 2013

    Enrico Ciccone,he is not related to Madonna Louise Ciccone right?He is Italian right,Well there you go.It seem in this trade talks, the Italians are involved.

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  17. Marcel G. Dawson
    January 12, 2013

    What makes the goaltending search of the next two months so fascinating is that the game within the game is a little like musical chairs. There are only so many goalies of quality available. The suitors are many, in Toronto, Chicago, Tampa, Columbus, maybe New Jersey, maybe San Jose, maybe Detroit.

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