TSN waited until last Friday to put up Cabbie’s segment on the game and, this weekend, it finally made it to YouTube.. I’ve been a big fan of Cabbie since his days on The Score. He seems to always be able to get athletes to let down their guard, leading to great interviews and a lot of humour.
This time around, however, Cabbie doesn’t say a word through the entire segment, letting Kesler and Bieksa take the reins. That was either a horrible, horrible mistake or one of the best things he’s ever done, depending on how much you like the unintentional humour of terrible acting. We like it a lot.
For the video-impaired (such as those of you reading this at work instead of doing your job), here are the highlights:
For the opening bit, Cabbie appears to be wearing black dress pants tucked into light brown work boots. It’s not a good look. Let’s just say that Cabbie should never go on Project Runway.
A moment later, we see why Cabbie eschewed dress shoes for this shoot: he and Bieksa walk out onto the ice at an unnamed ice rink. I suspect that Cabbie has learned through experience that dress shoes + ice = hilarious pratfalls, and he wanted the humour of this segment to come from Bieksa and Kesler’s “impeccable” comedic timing.
Bieksa marches out in front of the Zamboni and yells “Stop!” while holding his hand out like he’s using the Force. Turns out that the driver of the Zamboni is none other than Ryan Kesler. He’s wearing a bright yellow “Play hard or go home” t-shirt over a black longsleeve Under Armour shirt and an inexplicable orange toque. What really nails the hungover Skittle look, however, is the fact that he’s wearing sunglasses indoors.
“Kes, I can’t let you do this…you’re driving a Zamboni while you’re rehabbing.” “Yeah, well, I like to be at the rink and this is the only job I could get.”
The highlight of the entire video is Kesler’s response when Bieksa says, “I got a game for us.” He deadpans, “But my shoulder.” I can’t even explain why this is so ridiculously hilarious, but that will be my go-to response to any question for the rest of the week. Could you help me decorate the Christmas tree? But my shoulder. Can you pass the salt? But my shoulder. Where did you put the remote? But my shoulder.
Yeah, my wife is going to hate me by the end of the week. Can you stop saying that, please? But my shoulder.
Cabbie responds by wordlessly holding up a ref jersey for Kesler. Hooray, he can take part even though but my shoulder!
K: “I think I got some buddies who want to play.” B: “Who’re you texting?” K: “I’m tweeting.” B: “Who?” K: “VANCOUVER.” And then Bieksa pulls the most ridiculous, fourth-wall-breaking, sad-trombone-requiring look at the camera. It’s marvelous and must be seen. So here: see it.
Hey, Jason Garrison! Kesler takes Garrison aside and tries to convince him to play for Team Kesler. “You know I’m always here for you,” says Garrison, “It’s been like that from day one.” Day one? There hasn’t even been a day one yet! They haven’t played a single game together for the Canucks. This script is terrible.
Garrison should have just said “But my shoulder” as he can’t play due to injury. Disgusted, Kesler says “Why’d we sign him?” and stomps away.
Garrison puts on a linesman jersey, which seems pretty pointless: there are no offsides or icing in road hockey and he shouldn’t be called upon to break up any fights. Although I guess it’s not impossible. This is Vancouver, after all.
Proof that Kesler still hates Canada: he cracks up laughing during the national anthem. Shame on you, Kesler, shame.
Wait, Garrison is laughing too! Let’s ignore this, since it ruins my last observation.
Bieksa is super-committed to chirping Kesler and recruiting others to do likewise, At the start of the game, his team’s rallying cry is “Nice haircut, Kesler!” His team cheer at the end? “Kesler sucks!”
At one point, Kesler tries to wave off a pretty goal by Bieksa despite being way behind the play and out of position. Bieksa responds by knocking Kesler’s stupid orange toque off his head.
Incidentally, Kesler’s commitment to orange extended even to his choice of whistle. Back in freshman year of university, Harrison and I, along with several of our other friends, had Orange Thursdays, where you were required to wear something orange. This led to us looking stupid every Thursday. But we had an excuse: we were young and stupid freshmen. Kesler has no excuse.
Hey, the Green Men! The game goes to a shootout and the Green Men execute the first-ever tandem shootout move as either Force or Sully distracts the goalie with his exceptionally silly walk, while either Sully or Force fires the ball just inside the post. John Cleese would have been proud.
Kudos to whoever’s playing goalie at the end of the shootout. That’s some quality road hockey goaltending.
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