Spitballin’ on Pavel Bure’s German hockey card, Lockout Kesler, and the return of Tanner Glass

Spitballin’ (or Super Pass ITBulis: All In, if you love adventurous acronymizing) is a feature that allows us to touch on a multitude of things really fast, because in the world of hockey, there are always lots of things to find and colour. Here are a few quick topics.

***

Pavel Bure was a Landshut Cannibal

The Canucks may be the only team that has yet to send a player overseas during this current lockout, but they’ve seen players make the trip before. During the 1994-1995 lockout, which shortened the season to 48 games, Pavel Bure headed to Europe. He played one game with Spartak Moscow, scoring two goals, and one game with Germany’s Landshut Cannibals, where he notched a hat-trick. (Pavel Bure was pretty good.)

While there, Bure also earned his very own Landshut Cannibals hockey card.

The Cannibals’ logo is absolutely ridiculous.

Now seems a good time to mention the Cannibals made waves just last month when they announced a 5000-Euro annual sponsorship deal with the town’s local brothel. And you thought the Sedins were over-reliant on hooking.

Help an NHL player with the “I Care” program

Regardless of where you stand in this current work stoppage, you have to admit it’s somewhat difficult to empathize with either side. Watching two obscenely wealthy entities squabble over how to split $3 billion? There isn’t much there for the layman.

Brandon Williams’s hilarious “I Care” video, an NHLPA-themed send-up of those World Vision ads that make you feel bad for sitting on your couch eating Doritos while children are starving, really drives the point home.

It’s not exactly Canuck-specific content, but I’m going to make the bold assumption that Williams is either a local or he thinks the Canucks are the only team in the NHL. (That’s a pretty common trait for a local.)

The third option is he’s just discovered what we discovered long ago: Roberto Luongo has been captured making every face the human face can possibly make.

“Lockout Kesler” milks injuries, and it’s weird

Canuck fans are well aware of Ryan Kesler’s tendency to shrug off injuries and continue playing. The guy scored one of the biggest goals in Canuck playoff history a period after basically melting his lower body by trying too hard, and he once asked doctors to cut his finger off because it was giving him the business. There has thusly been plenty of concern voiced that Kesler might shrug off his most recent surgery and return to the lineup early. This would be a nightmare, as healthy Kesler far exceeds an unhealthy-but-determined-to-will-himself-healthy Kesler, and also because he shouldn’t be shrugging so soon after shoulder surgery.

But, thanks to the expiration of the CBA and the NHL and NHLPA taking their time crafting a new one, we have suddenly been introduced to Lockout Kesler, who wants everyone to know how hurt he is and how much he totally can’t play. Kesler, via Ben Kuzma:

“I’m pretty banged up. I can’t shoot or stickhandle yet. Strength wise, healing the shoulder is going to be pretty tedious the next few months. I’m pretty far behind.” [...]

“I saw the doctor a week ago in Cleveland and my strength is so far behind with my wrist,” stressed Kesler. “If I had my shoulder surgery on the right side, it might have helped a bit. It’s going to take time, but time heals everything. And because I’m injured, I can’t have contact and I can’t shoot, so I would be pretty useless out there if I skated with them [teammates] now.”

Keep in mind that, as we pointed out a month back, it’s pretty important that Kesler’s injury woes are on the record. So long as he’s incapable of playing hockey, he’s also incapable of being locked out and, thus, incapable of being unpaid.

What a sweet deal. If the lockout continues, expect Kesler to undergo two or three more of the surgeries he’s probably been needing for years.

Tanner Glass returns to Vancouver

Though he’s now two teams removed from his stint with the Canucks, Pittsburgh Penguin Tanner Glass still has a soft spot for the city. To this end, he and his wife have decided to spend the lockout in Vancouver, and are currently in the process of closing on a Yaletown condo.

Two reasons this is exciting: first, we like Tanner Glass. And second, a Scrabble rematch suddenly seems like a distinct possibility. I mean, it’s not like he’s doing anything.

Tags: , ,

10 comments

  1. Kyle
    October 4, 2012

    That I Care spoof bothers me because it uses so many Canucks photos while they’re running around town doing community themed things.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +5 (from 7 votes)
  2. Jordan Clarke
    October 4, 2012

    “…and he once asked daughters to cut his finger off because it was giving him the business.”

    Jeez, that’s a pretty gruesome thing to ask someone’s daughters to do :)

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: 0 (from 2 votes)
  3. Bieksa4Mayor
    October 4, 2012

    Saw Tanner Glass practicing in his Pens gear today at UBC with the rest of them. Willie Mitchell was there too. They looked like they were having a blast.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +5 (from 7 votes)
  4. J21 (@Jyrki21)
    October 4, 2012

    Douglas Coupland called that last point when he wrote “City of Glass”. Way before any of us had even heard of Tanner.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  5. the real bob
    October 4, 2012

    you know a scrabble rematch is the only reason Glass moved to vancouver.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +13 (from 13 votes)
    • Rituro
      October 4, 2012

      It has to happen now. It just has to. Condo in Yaletown, practices at UBC… Scrabble at Canuck Place? It all fits.

      VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
      Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
      • the real bob
        October 4, 2012

        for every canucks game lost to lock out, they should televise mooney playing glass in scrabble to take its place

        VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
        Rating: +6 (from 8 votes)
  6. scotchcanuck
    October 4, 2012

    Only thing missing from the video was that the invitation was to look into Luo’s eyes and not Pyatt’s!

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  7. garth
    October 5, 2012

    look at the awesome warmup jersey for Landshut:

    http://fanshop.la-cannibals.info/product_info.php?info=p64_warmup-trikot–lustra-.html

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
    • Daniel Wagner
      October 5, 2012

      That is insane. If I didn’t know for a fact that my wife would kill me if I did, I would totally buy one.

      VN:F [1.9.16_1159]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)