Help me destroy this Mark Messier hockey card

I love hockey cards. Back in the pre-internet days of the early nineties, hockey cards were my main source of information about the NHL. I used to pore over the back of my cards for hours, comparing players’ goals, assists, and points and wondering what in the world a “PIM” was. Since my family didn’t have cable, Hockey Night in Canada was the only time I could watch hockey on TV, so hockey cards were my window into a league that wasn’t just the Toronto Maple Leafs.

When I got a Vancouver Canucks card, I was thrilled. Hockey Night in Canada didn’t often feature the Canucks: I saw Doug Gilmour and the Leafs far more often than I saw Trevor Linden and the Canucks, except when one of the local channels carried a game or the playoffs rolled around. I treasured my Canucks hockey cards and for a long time they were my biggest connection to my favourite team.

On the weekend, I tried to relive my childhood by buying a grab box of over 200 random hockey cards. It was a lot of fun opening up the box and sorting through the cards. It brought me back to when I was a kid, particularly that little thrill of excitement when I discovered a few Canucks cards: a Henrik Sedin and a couple Roberto Luongos. The box even had a couple Luongo cards from when he was with the Florida Panthers.

I was getting to the end of the box when I found one more Canucks card, but instead of the thrill of excitement, I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

It was a Mark Messier card.

Messier may be a legend to the rest of the NHL, but to Canucks fans, he’s an evil villain. First as the captain of the 1994 Rangers that defeated the Canucks in the Cup Final, then as a hugely disappointing free agent signing. Brought in as a highly touted veteran leader, Messier played some of the worst hockey of his career, failing to get the Canucks into the playoffs, taking the captaincy away from the beloved Trevor Linden, taking the unofficially retired number of Wayne Maki, and eventually leading to Linden being traded away. Though there were many factors in all of these events, the passing of time has led to Messier being blamed for them all.

Canucks fans outright hate Messier. So you can imagine my disappointment when one of the few Canucks cards I got in a box of over 200 had his stupefied mug on it, with Maki’s 11 and Linden’s “C” clearly visible. I don’t want to own this card. I want to destroy this card.

But I need your help. I have too many ideas and I need your help to narrow down my choices or even to add your own ideas.

So how should I do it? What should I do to this horrible piece of memorabilia? Should I have my 10-month old son chew it to pieces? Run it over with my car? Throw darts at it? Stick it to the bottom of my shoe and go hiking? Light it on fire? Put it through a paper shredder? Soak it in a cup of cola for a week? Microwave it? Fold it into a paper airplane and throw it off a tall building?

Help me out. Let me know in the comments what you want me to do to this card and (within reason) I will do it. I will even film the destruction and post the video here on the blog.

Please help me destroy this card. It’s the right thing to do.

Tags: ,

29 comments

  1. Andrew
    September 25, 2012

    Crush it under a pile of Lays potato chips.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +19 (from 19 votes)
  2. PeeSeeGee
    September 25, 2012

    Put it in jello and then shoot it with a spud gun.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  3. James W.
    September 25, 2012

    If breaking bad has taught me anything, the best way to dispose of an unwanted person is to put them in a polyethylene bin with a strong acid and let science do the work.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +7 (from 7 votes)
    • pooroldbearandelk
      September 26, 2012

      No, that’s way too expensive. I hear you can just put the body into the bathtub with the acid.

      VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
      Rating: +2 (from 4 votes)
      • Winsy
        September 26, 2012

        But then you have the smell in the house – that won’t do…

        VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
        Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  4. natevk
    September 25, 2012

    2 words: Toilet Paper

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +8 (from 8 votes)
    • madwag
      September 25, 2012

      better yet. drop it down my outhouse hole so i can dump on it daily.

      VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
      Rating: +11 (from 11 votes)
  5. Al
    September 25, 2012

    I say make a compilation video a whole bunch of different ways to abuse the card. I’d like to se it skated over, beat up in bike spokes, stomped on by a large group of fans, and crushed under a huge amount of Lays potato chips like Andrew suggested (even though I’m sure Messier has some sort of deal where he still gets money out of every Lays bag sold – for “increasing the value” of a business he hasn’t been affiliated with in a decade – it would still be hilarious to watch.
    After that you could get down the serious destruction, but I imagine the more you put the card through, the more therapeutic it will be.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +12 (from 12 votes)
    • Daniel Wagner
      September 25, 2012

      That is definitely the plan. This card is going to go through hell.

      VN:F [1.9.16_1159]
      Rating: +6 (from 6 votes)
  6. Count Jakku
    September 25, 2012

    shred it into tiny pieces – one for each game he played in Vancouver – soak them in gasoline, alcohol or something else flammable and lay them out in a line and use them as a fuse to light up Messier action figure soaked in gasoline – light the start end and enjoy the burn.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  7. biznow
    September 25, 2012

    Place it between a hefty mans butt cheeks, then enter him in a half marathon wearing polar fleece pants. Using tongs, remove the card and mail it to Messier with an autograph request. Only appropriate for Mark Messier’s stage 3 cling-on time as a Canuck.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +12 (from 12 votes)
  8. puckhead
    September 25, 2012

    find the real Mark Messier *spits* and make him choke on it.
    Don’t forget to video it.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
  9. Tina L
    September 25, 2012

    Drop it on top of Lego. It will act as a voodoo doll and simulate the same sensation as stepping on Lego for Messier.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
  10. Chuggo Fizzins
    September 25, 2012

    Glue it to the bottom of a pool, then flip that pool into an active volcano.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +12 (from 12 votes)
  11. Max
    September 25, 2012

    I like the taped to the hiking boot idea… do the grind with it on your heel. Make it suffer.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  12. Wagman
    September 25, 2012

    I suggest starting with the least destructive (bike rim flapper, for instance) and progressing to ultimate doom. My suggestion for the finale is rig up a ball hockey net where you have to actually hit a target to drop the card into utter destruction (concentrated acid or flaming pool, perhaps).

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
    • Maqywhaq
      September 26, 2012

      I quite like this idea of using the card as target practice… But then again, you’d get only a few good shots at it before it’s done(I suppose kinda like his career in Vancouver)… I would then soak it in a slow burning(say, 60:40 iso:water), and then try to line up some Sedinery~

      VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  13. rvtBC
    September 25, 2012

    It’s destruction must be a long and drawn out process. But I think taping it to a urinal would be a fitting demise even though it may not withstand such abuse for long.

    For the ladies’ participation – well, mmm, perhaps give them a squeeze bottle to, you know, fill it up and join in the fun.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  14. StevenK
    September 26, 2012

    I’d leave it out so the world can watch as all the fibres at the top of the card quickly recede and fall out.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
    • Winsy
      September 26, 2012

      Just like Messier’s hair!

      VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
      Rating: -1 (from 1 vote)
  15. Brandon
    September 26, 2012

    It’s punishment must be more severe

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  16. Superreggie
    September 26, 2012

    I say preserve it! We need to remember our mistakes. How bout we pickle it in a mixture of Canucks fan vomit, goat urine, and beaver feces?

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  17. DanD
    September 26, 2012

    I know this might be overly simple, but nothing quite compares to the cleansing power of fire.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  18. PeeSeeGee
    September 26, 2012

    Take it to a Canucks game, guaranteed it will be destroyed in seconds by rabid fans.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
  19. Unknown Comic
    September 26, 2012

    Give it to the psycho from Se7en.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  20. Jason
    September 26, 2012

    Drop it in Pepsi and mix in Mentos.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  21. Winsy
    September 26, 2012

    Put it in one of your son’s diapers – let him do his business, preferably a #2, coat it in crushed Lays and mail the G*d damn thing to him!

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  22. JS Topher
    September 26, 2012

    Mark Messier played for the Canucks? I’m pretty sure this never happened/

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  23. JRC
    September 27, 2012

    Maggots. Feed it to maggots. It’ll be slow, visual and visceral, and satisfying.

    VA:F [1.9.16_1159]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)