What the Canucks will be doing during the lockout
Photo Credit: Jeff Vinnick, Canucks.com

It’s official: the NHL owners have locked out the players. While there’s still time to get a new CBA worked out before the start of the regular season, it’s extremely unlikely that this will happen, meaning that loyal readers of PITB are bound to miss out on a few I Watched This Games.

As a result, numerous NHLers have signed contracts or made commitments with teams overseas. Many Russian players are already signed to temporary contracts in the KHL, while many Europeans are committing to their respective country’s leagues. Even a few North American players are heading across the Atlantic, with Joe Thornton and Logan Couture both signing in Switzerland.

No Canucks have signed in Europe yet, so I looked into it. It turns out that each member of the Canucks already has plans in place during the lockout. In this PITB exclusive, we look at what each of them is planning to do.

1. Maxim Lapierre and Alex Burrows will be working on learning a new language together: English.

2. Ryan Kesler: butt-slapping spree.

3. Manny Malhotra will be joining the Vancouver Whitecaps, who desperately need the help.

4. Eddie Lack is picking up a part-time modeling gig.

5. David Booth plans on bathing in the blood of defenceless innocent animals daily.

6. Alex Edler needs to catch up on some missed sleep, so he has some heavy-duty napping planned.

7. Dale Weise will be crashing on his couch and watching re-runs of “How I Met Your Mother.”

8. Daniel and Henrik will be roller-blading to their part-time jobs dancing at bachelor parties.

9. Sami Salo will be spending the lockout in Tampa Bay for some reason. Not sure why.

10. Chris Higgins intends to listen to Abbey Road, watch every episode of “Downton Abbey,” and write fan letters to Abby Wambach.

11. Jannik Hansen will be taking some anger management classes.

12. Steven Pinizzotto will be finishing off his tattoo sleeves.

13. Jason Garrison is learning how to shoot right-handed.

14. Chris Tanev plans to take up smoking so he can actually play hockey with a cigarette in his mouth.

15. Kevin Bieksa will be spending most of his time at Playland as a living statue.

16. Aaron Volpatti has rented a van and is travelling across the United States looking for Brad Winchester to help him earn a spot on the Canucks once the season starts.

17. Andrew Alberts is taking up knitting.

18. Keith Ballard has the perfect plan: sneak into Alain Vigneault’s house and write his name in every single book he can find. That way he’s sure to be in Vigneault’s good books to start the season. He’ll be in his bad books too, as well as the mediocre ones, but every plan has its flaws.

19. Dan Hamhuis? Community work, of course.

20. Roberto Luongo and Cory Schneider are going on a road trip together to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. Turns out they’re both big civil war buffs. Who knew?

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  1. madwag
    September 17, 2012

    danielson! “what each of them IS planning to do.”

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  2. Abby
    September 17, 2012

    I lasted till Booth before completely losing my composure. I swear, only you guys among hockey blogs can find a way to make even the lockout entertaining.

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  3. the real bob
    September 17, 2012

    As for AV? He’ll be starting a blog on lozenge and gum reviews.

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  4. Christian Mûhlhasuen
    September 18, 2012

    I think Jannik Hansen will be playing in Rødovre Mighty Bulls

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  5. Rituro
    September 18, 2012

    “3. Manny Malhotra will be joining the Vancouver Whitecaps, who desperately need the help.”

    Ugh, don’t remind me… these are trying times for a Whitecaps fan.

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  6. juandesooka
    September 18, 2012

    Dan Hamhuis didn’t make your list … looks like he’s put up a “Gon’Fishin’
    sign: http://tinyurl.com/8js842w

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  7. TeeJay
    September 19, 2012

    They can all take a trip to the Great Wall of China finally and maybe boost their mojo(ask Victor Webster) . Don’t forget to bring Luongo with you please.

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