“Why don’t you like us, man?”

Despite flirting all summer like Sandy Olsson and Danny Zuko in Grease, Shane Doan and the Vancouver Canucks simply weren’t meant to be. The Phoenix Coyotes captain opted for an 18th year in Arizona instead, re-signing with the embattled and permanently ownerless Phoenix Coyotes for $21.2 million over four years.

I’ll admit I don’t understand it. I’ve been to Phoenix. It’s a nice place, and the fact that it has a freeway through the downtown core is a marked improvement on Vancouver’s gridlocked, nigh unnavigable streets. But I can’t imagine loving the city so much that I would put up with what Doan has put up with, let alone make the concessions Doan has made to stay there. Come on, no one loves Phoenix that much.

That in mind, it must be something else. Here are 25 alternate explanations for why Doan chose Phoenix over Vancouver.

1 | Fears crowds; feels safe in Jobing.com Arena, where there are none.

2 | Heard Vancouver has a revolving restaurant. Believes restaurants should stay stationary.

3 | Is a ghost, and ghosts can’t leave the place they died.

4 | All those visits to other NHL cities were just tests to see if he could go a whole night without getting emotional and calling Phoenix to come pick him up.

5 | Has been led to believe that there is a massive bonus at the end of your career for staying with the same franchise.

6 | Is convinced he only looks good in burgundy.

7 | Is one stamp away from a free breakfast entrée at The Good Egg.

8 | Was about to leave, then Phoenix said, “Whatever, do what you want.”

9 | Is a witch. Rain causes him to melt.

10 | Likes being able to spot family in the audience really easily.

11 | Steve Nash caught the last flight out.

12 | Enjoys the feeling of playing for a team he could afford if he wanted.

13 | Once heard that the captain always goes down with his ship.

14 | Mantracker is lying in wait just outside Phoenix, waiting for him to leave.

15 | Has outstanding warrants all over the continent under false names.

16 | Hey, someone has to keep an eye on Boyd Gordon.

17 | Is a genie and still owes Dave Tippett one wish. Hoping it’s for freedom.

18 | Really wanted to play with Roberto Luongo and just found out that he’s going to be traded.

19 | Can’t find his passport.

20 | Coyotes were the only team to offer him what he truly wanted: friendship.

21 | Was once sneered at by an orca. Never got over it.

22 | Was totally sold on Gillis and Gilman’s presentation over dinner, but when they didn’t ask if he could help pay for the meal, it just didn’t feel like home.

23 | Doesn’t want to live in a place where it takes a whole crowd of people to overturn a car. A couple horses and some rope will do a much more efficient job.

24 | The coyote is his spirit animal.

25 | Two words: Ostrich Festival.