One of the things I love about Road Hockey to Conquer Cancer is the name. The entire event is tailored to reach the type of people who won’t get excited about walks to raise money for cancer, generally men. I hate to stereotype, but I have generally found that men are not fans of walking. If I’m not playing a sport, I’m sitting down and watching a sport. Going for a walk isn’t exercise, it’s just basic locomotion.
So the folks at Road Hockey to Conquer Cancer gave the event a manly verb: “conquer.” It also avoids the awkwardness of something like “Cops for Cancer.” Who’s for cancer? I’m pretty firmly against cancer, thank you very much. That’s why PITB is hard at work conquering cancer through the playing of road hockey. How does that conquer cancer? That’s where you come in. We can’t do this without you.
Our goal is to raise $10,000 as a team. In the last week, we have raised $1356, which is awesome, but we still have a long way to go.
Any donation at all will help. Starting at $10, you will get a tax receipt for your donation. As a reminder, we have offered some fun incentives for larger donations. If you like one of those incentives but don’t have the spare cash to get it by yourself, you could team up with some friends to reach one of those goals. Only one of you will get the tax receipt for it, though. I recommend holding an air hockey tournament to decide who will get it.
Here are the incentives, with the really good stuff kicking in at $100. If you have an idea for an incentive that isn’t on here, make a suggestion on Twitter or by e-mail. Basically, we want you to donate money to conquer cancer. Help us help you do that.
$25 – Team Player: We will officially announce on Twitter to our over 8,500 followers that you are awesome. If you include your own Twitter handle with your donation, we will recommend that our super-cool followers also follow you. We will do this for all levels of donation starting at $25.
$50 – Goal Scorer: We will extend our heartfelt thanks in a post on this blog, sure to be seen by thousands of people. In this post, we will be sure to say how much we love and appreciate you, so you can show your friends and family that you’re best buds with PITB.
$75 – Clutch Player: The exact same as the “Goal Scorer” incentive, except you’ll have the knowledge that you really are best buds with PITB, unlike those posers who just think they are.
$100 – All Star: We will write you a personalized poem. For an example of previous PITB poetry, see Daniel’s Worst Christmas. If you haven’t already read it, you are in for a treat. Your poem will likely be shorter.
$500 – Hall of Famer: We will write you a personalized song and record us playing it and post it on YouTube. And it will be a good song too! Harrison was the lyricist and lead singer for now-defunct funk band, Cinnamon Toast Funk. I have been in multiple bands, including The Neverknown, Hooray for Gooba!, and jacqueline/deepsearch. I currently write songs, sing vocals, and play guitars for Minnesota Nice. Also, I have a new camera, so it will look and sound better than “I Want A Girl Like Trevor Linden.”
$1000 – Honourary Captain: You will appear in an I Watched This Game in reference to something awesome. For instance, if the Sedins collaborate on a wizardous goal, we might say, “This goal was incredible, but not as incredible as Your Name, who is really, really incredible.” We’ll also write you a song and a poem, because, y’know, you’re awesome.
$1500 – Retired Number: What’s better than appearing in an IWTG? Appearing in the ongoing Canucks vs. Zombies saga. If you are unfamiliar with this ongoing story, catch up on Parts I, II, and III. It is silly, grotesque, and crazy. And you can be a part of it. We will write you into the story and, for good measure, we’ll also mention you in an IWTG, and write you a song and a poem. If this sounds like a lot of work for us, keep in mind that there’s likely to be a lockout to start the season. Also, it’s 1500 bucks.
$2000 – Legend: If you live within driving distance, we will make you dinner and watch a Canucks game with you, either at your place or one of ours. It will be like a live IWTG, which means you’ll get to hear all of the lame jokes that we come up with that don’t make it into our posts. We’ll even bring beer. On top of that, you’ll get an oddball piece of Canucks paraphernalia that has come into our possession and other gifts, because holy crap, you donated $2000. We’ll also get you into the Canucks vs. Zombies story, an IWTG, a song, and a poem.
$3000 – Wow: For one week during the season, we will change the name of the blog to “Pass it to Your Name.” The URL won’t change, but we will change our header images, Twitter profile picture, and all of our graphics to reflect how awesome you are. You’ll also get every single other incentive, obviously.
We also have our team together, though we’re still working through getting everyone signed up. Here are the members of the team who are all signed up and ready to play:
Daniel Wagner – Like Luongo, I’m both a goaltender and the captain. Unlike Luongo, I’m not getting traded.
Harrison Mooney – Assistant captain with mad dangles and no vision. Seriously, his prescription is brutal.
Dean Back – Bass player for Theory of a Deadman. Seriously. He’s a big Canucks fan and also a fan of the blog, which I think makes us rock stars by proxy.
Kostas Tsoupakis – Literally has Vancouver and the Canucks all over him. That’s in the form of tattoos, rather than him just getting close to sweaty Vancouverites and Canucks and then not showering.
Kelvin Yu – Stay at home defenceman whose idol is John Scott. He’s single, ladies.
Spencer Dubas – Claims to look as good as Taylor Pyatt. Creator of the Canucks Cubemen and will make you into one if you donate $50 through his Road Hockey to Conquer Cancer page. It still goes to the team! So do it!
Taylor Mah – According to his application e-mail, he has never played hockey before in his life. Honestly, that’s what made me want him on the team.
Ben Kiddie – His favourite team is the Ottawa Senators, so he’s clearly a glutton for punishment. We’ll stick him in front of the net to screen the goalie, then blast slap shots from the point.
Tags: Road Hockey, Road Hockey to Conquer Cancer