Spitballin’ on nothing, nada, and zilch

Spitballin’ (or Super Pass ITBulis: All In, if you love adventurous acronymizing) is a feature that allows us to touch on a multitude of things really fast, because in the world of hockey, there are always lots of things to find and colour. Here are a few quick topics.

Normally, Spitballin’ is used for the above purpose: to quickly run down the many things that have happened in a short space of time. Right now, however, nothing is happening. At all. In fact, there’s so much nothing happening that it boggles the mind, necessitating a Spitballin’ feature to cover it all. Here is all the nothing that is happening right now that you need to know about:

Francesco Aquilini has not tried to purchase the Abbotsford Heat

Lovers of things of interest actually happening were thrilled to hear the bombshell that was reported last week that Francesco Aquilini, owner of the Vancouver Canucks, was planning on purchasing the Abbotsford Entertainment and Sports Centre, home of the Abbotsford Heat. Aquilini would then negotiate with the Calgary Flames to relocate the Canucks’ farm team to Abbotsford, a move that makes all the sense.

I live in Abbotsford and I went to two of the Heat’s four home playoff games this year. My wife and I were the only people in attendance. Actually, that’s an exaggeration. We brought our infant son, Ozymandias, as well. Having the Canucks farm team in Abbotsford could only improve attendance. The few visits the Moose and Wolves made to Abbotsford were heavily attended, because hockey fans in BC are crazy about the Canucks.

If the rumour is true, however, it appears to be a long way from fruition, as the Abbotsford News reported that not only have no talks taken place between Aquilini and the city of Abbotsford, the AESC isn’t even for sale. Both Abbotsford city manager Frank Pizzutto and Lane Sweeting, member of the Heat’s operating group, completely deny anything taking place.

Back on the bus to hockey limbo, everyone. Nothing to see here.

Cristobal Huet did not sign with the Canucks

Following in Dan Ellis’s self-promotional footsteps, Cristobal Huet let slip in an interview with French website L’Equipe that he was in talks with both the Chicago Blackhawks, his old team that exiled him to Switzerland in the first place, and the Vancouver Canucks.

I found it awfully convenient that he name-dropped the Canucks, who are expected to have a Luongo-shaped hole in their roster by the start of next season. Normally inception requires a lot more subtlety, is what I’m saying. At the very least, Huet needed to get on the same page with his agent, who immediately contradicted his own client’s report.

In the end, it seemed that his agent was a little more on top of things than Huet, as he signed once again in Switzerland, this time with a division two team. That’s a slight step down from eyeing a return to the NHL.

Shane Doan has not signed with anyone

Nothing noteworthy has unfolded in the ongoing Shane Doan saga. I’m assuming this is the part of the saga where one guy monologues for about 50 pages about the beauty of nature and the savagery of man, while drawing a parallel to his lost love and the brute that he has become in her absence. Lovely stuff, but very dull and boring.

Despite nothing happening with Doan, his vaguely-Canucks-related presence looms over actual news involving actual Canucks, like this report from Brad Ziemer on the Canucks beginning negotiations with Alex Burrows for a contract extension. The Canucks will also begin negotiations with Alex Edler “soon” according to Laurence Gilman. BUT OH MAN WHAT ABOUT SHANE DOAN!

What about him? He’s going to re-sign in Phoenix, like I’ve said all along. He’s pretty clearly waiting on the sale of the Coyotes to Greg Jamison to go through. Jamison has reportedly secured investors to make up the shortfall of $20 million that was needed, and some sources are apparently saying that the sale is already done. But that would be something. And nothing is happening right now.

Ryan Kesler is recovering from his surgery at a normal pace

There was almost news a little while ago on Ryan Kesler, as Mike Gillis said on the TEAM 1040 that the centre was “on or ‘slightly ahead’ of schedule” according to Gordon McIntyre. Gillis continued, “Ryan is doing very well, but we’re not going to push him.”

It should come as no surprise that this resulted in jubilant Canucks fans rejoicing that Kesler was most definitely way ahead of schedule and would absolutely be ready for the start of training camp, while cynical Canucks fans complained about Canucks’ management rushing his recovery and costing the team their one-and-only chance at winning the Stanley Cup.

It turned out that this news about Ryan Kesler’s injury wasn’t really true, which is new news that has to be reported. The fact that Mike Gillis thought it was true is also news. The discrepancy between the parties who thought it was true and those who didn’t is really big news, because then we can get into why Mike Gillis hates Ryan Kesler or whether Kesler’s agent, Kurt Overhardt, wants Kesler out of Vancouver. You know, news.

So yeah, Kesler is due to complete his recovery sometime in December, which is a pretty normal recovery time for the surgeries he had.

Hey look, a picture of an adorable bab – oh no, oh no, oh no, what’s happening?

This newborn baby already has the fundamentals of being a Canucks fan down pat: whining about something you can’t change.

Also, as a father, I’ve been there, man. I’d say it gets better, but it really just gets louder. And higher-pitched.

Kevin Bieksa interviews Lloyd Christmas

Bieksa and Hordichuk are pretty hilarious, but my real question is, WHY ARE YOU NOT INTERVIEWING TANNER GLASS?! HE’S SITTING RIGHT THERE!

On the real, though, this took place at an event held in Rick Rypien’s honour one year after his untimely death. Bieksa, Hordichuk, Glass, and Kris Versteeg played in a charity hockey game in Rypien’s home town of Coleman, Alberta. Let this be a reminder to go to MindCheck.ca and familiarize yourself with the signs of depression so you can recognize them in yourself or your friends if they occur.

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  1. Helen
    August 20, 2012

    you missed one…Luongo has not been traded!

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    • Daniel Wagner
      August 20, 2012

      Ha, good point. But there’s just so much nothing, it’s hard to keep track of it all.

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  2. Nee
    August 20, 2012

    RIP Rick Rypien

    Also, god I miss hockey.

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  3. tj
    August 21, 2012

    I would love to see the Tanner/Kevin show! So much hi-jinx possibilities…

    Yep, so much nothing I find myself, after reading this post, imagining impossible TV shows, and wondering if Ozymandias is named after a certain comic book character, a Percy Shelley poem, or the Greek god, or a nod to all…

    If a lock-out occurs, as Bieksa alluded to likely happening, there’s going to be much more of this nothing to report on. Abbotsford may just get some ticket sales after all.

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  4. Abby
    August 21, 2012

    Darcy: How many years do you have?
    Kevin: Eight. How many games do you have?

    Ah, this nothing is funny.

    Man, I can’t wait until October. (Living in denial about the potential lockout.)

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    • tj
      August 21, 2012

      Heh. I love the sparring; goes great with Hordy’s toothlessness ;)

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  5. Rituro
    August 21, 2012

    Mmm, so much glorious nothing. Thank you, PITB, for getting my nothing quotient back up to acceptable levels. Now, back to doing something (specifically, the something that I get paid for) before I’m forcibly transitioned to doing nothing.

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