Mark Messier gets punched in the back of the head a bunch of times (VIDEOS)

Mark Messier is to Vancouver as Stefano DiMera is to the small town of Salem on Days of Our Lives. He’s a full-blown villain, not above kidnapping, brainwashing, and seducing our favourite characters to further his evil, evil schemes.

Or at least this is how Vancouverites picture him. Nevermind that Messier was actually named the Canucks’ MVP in 1999-2000 — the more time passes, the more we rue his playoff-free days in Vancouver. He’s become the worst thing imaginable, his heinousness matched only by his damnability. After all, we may have given him a trophy, but let’s talk about the stuff he took: Trevor Linden’s captaincy, Wayne Maki’s unretired 11, a buyout (putting him on par with Marc freaking Chouinard) and, this week, another cool $6 million from the Canucks. From the Vancouver Sun:

Mark Messier has been awarded a $6-million settlement in the Hall of Famer’s long-standing grievance over money he claimed he was owed by the Vancouver Canucks.

… It has been reported that Messier had a clause in his contract that would compensate him if the value of the Canuck franchise increased over the life of his contract, which expired in 2002.

That’s right, Canuck fans. If the local team signs Shane Doan, they’ll have paid $6 million to two aging, overrated veteran forwards this summer.

Obviously, Canuck fan outrage is palpable. Thinking about Messier boils the blood, and hearing that the team is somehow still paying him millions of dollars practically evaporates and sublimates it.

But since PITB is a blog of the people, we’d like to help you feel better, and as best as we can gather, what this city needs right now is to see Mark Messier get punched in the back of the head a bunch of times. Now, ideally, these punches would come from people we know and like (it’s happened, since Messier fought Alain Vigneault 1981 and Chicago Wolves’ head coach Scott Arniel in 1984), but that footage isn’t on Youtube. There is, however, this video of Messier getting worked by Marty “lesser of two evils” McSorley:

And this one.

And this video of a fight with Dennis Ververgaert, which is helpfully censored by a man in a baby blue sweater. Any time Messier lands punches, you instead see the back of the man’s head (which is preferable). But Ververgaert’s blows to the back of Messier’s head are visible. Thanks, nameless, blue-sweatered hockey fan!

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24 comments

  1. Mary
    August 3, 2012

    A “Days of Our Lives” reference? Just when I thinking can’t love you guys any more than I already do…

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    Rating: +8 (from 10 votes)
    • Mary
      August 3, 2012

      *think

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  2. ES13
    August 3, 2012

    Should I feel bad that I find this very cathartic?

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    Rating: +7 (from 9 votes)
  3. Brent
    August 3, 2012

    “practically evaporates and sublimates it.”

    What is this, a chemistry lecture or a sports blog?

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    Rating: +5 (from 9 votes)
  4. MB13
    August 3, 2012

    Why am I shocked that Harrison would take offense to Messier getting what he was contractually obligated to get?

    Shouldn’t you be writing about how bad the London games are?

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    Rating: -99 (from 115 votes)
    • tom selleck's moustache
      August 3, 2012

      Uh, reading you no do lots good?

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      Rating: +25 (from 29 votes)
      • MB13
        August 3, 2012

        “tom selleck’s moustache” – try too hard much?

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        Rating: -54 (from 58 votes)
        • tom selleck's moustache
          August 3, 2012

          “try too hard much?”

          Weak, nice try though :)

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          Rating: +15 (from 15 votes)
    • Rituro
      August 3, 2012

      As much as we’d all like to see Harrison do another fantastic satire piece on the Olympics, I will gladly suppress my general distaste of hockey fights to watch that slug Messier get thwomped.

      ’94 — never forget.

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      Rating: +17 (from 19 votes)
  5. V
    August 3, 2012

    I’m not sure about this. Maybe I haven’t been a fan for long enough to really hate Messier, but something about an entire post savouring past punches to his head strikes me the wrong way. I like hockey fights as much as the next fan (assuming that fan isn’t Raffi… the musician, not Torres) but this doesn’t really seem sportsmanlike.

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    Rating: -36 (from 44 votes)
    • MB13
      August 3, 2012

      That’s Harrison for you.

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      Rating: -69 (from 77 votes)
      • Harrison Mooney
        August 3, 2012

        It’s a lark. Lighten up.

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        Rating: +42 (from 48 votes)
        • V
          August 3, 2012

          I guess this was the wrong crowd for a suggestion that doesn’t involve violence, then?

          Not that I have a suggestion, just any opportunity to force a Serenity misquote.

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          Rating: +3 (from 5 votes)
      • John in Marpole
        August 3, 2012

        Mark, is that you?

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        Rating: +5 (from 7 votes)
    • superreggie
      August 3, 2012

      You can’t have been here when Messier was here. It was aaaagony.

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      Rating: +8 (from 10 votes)
    • Trevor
      August 4, 2012

      The guy essentially knee’d Canucks fans in the collective sack.

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      Rating: +15 (from 17 votes)
  6. Timmy Wong
    August 3, 2012

    You, sir, are a hero.

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    Rating: +10 (from 12 votes)
  7. superreggie
    August 3, 2012

    God that felt good. Thanks. The first one’s the best. I love it when he’s gettin’ it in the Rangers uniform.

    Remember when he went back to NY with the Canucks, and they had that video montage, and he got all choked up and stuff, to scenes of him winning the cup against our canucks. I HATE that guy…

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    Rating: +9 (from 11 votes)
  8. art vandelay
    August 3, 2012

    Any day that involves seeing Oilers getting punched in the head is a good day to be alive.

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    Rating: +3 (from 7 votes)
  9. natevk
    August 3, 2012

    I needed this today, thank you PiTB! I can’t stand that ugly, lays-munching douche.

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    Rating: +14 (from 16 votes)
  10. MessierTheGreatest
    August 4, 2012

    Not even the legend Mark Messier could help the pathetic, Canuck franchise!

    Linden was heralded as a saint, but he couldn’t hold Messier’s jockstrap. He was a terrible leader and brutally overrated player. He was absolutely pathetic in his tenure with the Islanders. I can’t even fathom why Canucks fans hate Mike Keenan when he made the best trade in Canucks franchise history by shipping out the overrated Linden for McCabe(traded for one of the Sedin Sisters), Todd Bertuzzi(was the best PWF in the game) and Jarkko Ruutu(One of the best pests/agitators in the league. All three of those players in the trade made more significant impacts than Linden did from that point in his career. Little do Canuck fans realize that Messier had very little help around him, it wasn’t his fault that their young guns weren’t developed(Naslund, T-Bert), or that Bure held out since he was screwed financially by the previous heir of management, or that Mogilny had zero chemistry with Bure You were relying on a 37 yr old player to turn around the pathetic franchise, far too lofty expectations. He was Vancouver’s best player when he was healthy and they would’ve made the playoffs his last season if it weren’t for his injuries and the Oilers eliminating them to make the playoffs themselves.

    Messier helped the Canucks, which is why he got awarded 6mil. It was part of the contract and the franchise should honor it.

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    Rating: -62 (from 68 votes)
    • Rituro
      August 7, 2012

      A valiant attempt at trolling, sir/madam, but ultimately a failure. Off you go, then. Scoot.

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      Rating: +4 (from 6 votes)
  11. Colby
    August 5, 2012

    This is awesome, if only we had video of the those older fights.. would be weird to watch.

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  12. the real bob
    August 5, 2012

    The only way I could hate messier more is if he gets a job with the bruins

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    Rating: +1 (from 3 votes)