Five dates on the Canucks’ 2012-13 schedule that will probably be really lame

The Vancouver Canucks’ 2012-13 schedule was released Thursday, and you know what? It’s not half-bad.  Mike Gillis even went so far as to call the entire thing “travel-friendly” on the radio Wednesday, and he’s right, at least compared to previous years. The longest road trips are only five games and they’re both out of the way by the end of November. The Canucks only makes 3 trips out East the entire year, they don’t visit Florida, and the trips don’t have them darting all over the globe, willy-nilly, like they’re tracking Carmen Sandiego.

As for the games of note, well, there’s a Saturday night tilt with Boston on the 29th of December that will probably be a lot of fun, although the Canucks conspicuously omitted this one on their list of dates to remember. (This is easy to explain. When Mike Gillis blamed some of the Canucks’ struggles in the back half of the season on emotional exhaustion from last season’s Boston game, the marketing department effectively forfeited the right to make a big deal of this year’s at all. They’d be defenestrated for that.) We’ll probably all enjoy the visit from the Maple Leafs two Saturdays prior, especially if acquire Roberto Luongo some time between them and now, and tilts with the Blackhawks and Red Wings will be as enjoyable as ever.

But let’s not talk about the games we know will be good. Someone else will do that. Instead, let’s take a look at the games I’m pretty sure are going to suck. Here are five that project to be exceedingly lame.

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5) FRIDAY, OCTOBER 19: CANUCKS AT BLUE JACKETS

The fifth game of the season is a Friday night dance with the Columbus Blue Jackets — or at least, that’s what it is in Ohio. In Vancouver, it’s a Friday afternoon tilt with the Columbus Blue Jackets. Puck drop’s at 4pm Pacific.

Over the course of the season, there will be games that necessitate leaving work early. This is hardly one of them.

First of all, it’s the Blue Jackets. Lame. Second, the Canucks will probably play poor enough to lose, since they’re in Nashville the night prior, it’s their first road trip of the year, they always start the season slow, and they play the Red Wings two nights later, so they’ll likely be looking ahead to that one. Expect bad hockey at an inconvenient time.

4) FRIDAY, JANUARY 18: CANUCK AT BLUES 

Here’s another Friday afternoon road game, but it’s not so much the 5pm puck drop that will make this one a slog: the opponent is a factor. The Blues play pretty unriveting hockey, if I recall correctly, and they’re the final stop on a road trip that sees the Canucks play the Maple Leafs, Capitals, and Red Wings.

Plus, the two games before the road trip are versus the Flyers and Avalanche. So basically, we get a string of games that project to be high-octane and exciting, and then everything comes to a screeching halt when an exhausted Canucks’ club meets one of the most stifling, uncreative teams in the NHL. Basically, this game will be like the last 20 minutes of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, except with fewer shots of New Zealand’s sweeping, majestic landscape.

Come to think of it, there probably won’t be many shots at all. Lame.

3) SUNDAY, MARCH 10: CANUCKS AT WILD

Games against the Minnesota Wild are already as tedious and flavourless as chewing a tough piece of steak, and thanks to the NHLPA vetoing realignment, we get six such games again this year. Huzzah!

This is game number five, so we’re sure to be sick of the Wild by then, but here’s what guarantees it will be even worse than game number six: it’s at noon on a Sunday.

So basically, you have to skip church, forego a brunch buffet, or get out of bed just to see the Canucks play what will likely be one of their worst games of the year, against an opponent we all hate to watch and hate even more to watch win. Sounds delightful.

2) TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 27: CANUCKS AT ISLANDERS

Another 4 p.m. puck drop at the tail end of a road trip, but this one’s made worse because it’s the Islanders. Blech.

Maybe it’s just me, but I sort of hate watching games against the Islanders, especially when they take place in Nassau Coliseum. Even watching on television, that building depresses me. The ice is bad and the puck bounces, the lighting is bad and everything looks kind of sepia-toned and fuzzy as a result, the production value is always really crummy, and if you’re watching in HD, the updates the building requires are as visible as Dan Murphy’s pocket square.

Furthermore, the Islanders are always either so bad they’re boring or so bad it’s infuriating when the Canucks lose to them, and the latter is a distinct possibility because Vancouver plays the Rangers at Madison Square the night prior. This fact is also sure to guarantee that Nassau, hockey’s worst arena, feels even more underwhelming, since it’ll be juxtaposed with hockey’s best.

So basically we have what’s sure to be a bad game at an inconvenient time and it won’t even look good when you watch it. It’s also possible the Islanders are wearing their thirds. If so, this game moves up a spot at least.

1) THURSDAY, DECEMBER 27: CANUCKS AT FLAMES

The back half of a home-and-home with the Calgary Flames.

Everything about this game guarantees its lameness. The fact that we just saw these two teams play the night before. The fact that it’s already the third meeting of the season. The fact that these divisional games don’t have the energy they used to because the Flames aren’t very good. The fact that the Canucks are usually pretty crummy right after the Christmas break. The fact that games broadcast from the Saddledome look like Turkish films from the 1970s on television.

And the fact that, as soon as this home-and-home is over, the Canucks head back to Vancouver to host the Bruins for the first time since they won the Stanley Cup here last June. That’s sure to be much, much more fun. So basically, it’s a repeat of a game that already won’t be very exciting two days before the most exciting game of the year.

Here, my friends, is the 2012-13 schedule’s lamest point.

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28 comments

  1. DanD
    June 21, 2012

    Don’t forget that the Canucks like to mail it in against Division rivals around Christmas time!

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  2. Mt
    June 21, 2012

    I never thought I would find a hockey blog so enamored with defenestration. Understandable, mind you, it’s amazing there was once so much of it that it warranted its own word.

    Also … fun article, if a bit depressing. I hope you follow it with the 5 least likely to be lame-games.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      June 21, 2012

      It’s just a great word.

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      • pooroldbear
        June 21, 2012

        Not as good as schadenfreude. Would you please do an article featuring schadenfreude when the season starts? Maybe when the Canucks play the Flames would be a good occasion.

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        • MelT
          June 21, 2012

          “I wish there was a word to describe the pleasure I get from others’ misfortune.”

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          • sarah
            June 21, 2012

            Thumbs up, Community reference

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          • Laplander
            June 22, 2012

            How about a word to describe the pleasure I feel when someone is thrown out a window?

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    • Kenji
      June 22, 2012

      I have always wondered what fenestration would be like. I assume it would be throwing someone into a building through the window, e.g. “Tom Cruise fenestrates himself at the climax of the Burj Khalifa scene in Ghost Protocol.”

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  3. CanuckFanInSF
    June 21, 2012

    It must be a thrill for you guys who will be doing the IWTG post after these snoozerfests.

    Speaking of, I am having IWTG withdrawals. Can you guys do an IWTG – Euro 2012 edition?

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    • Gadsby
      June 21, 2012

      What about an IWTG for some of those Turkish films from the ’70s on television? IWTTFFT70sOT.

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    • Dane
      June 21, 2012

      Great Idea!

      Or an Aussie IWTG edition? The AIHL is in full swing and while the skill is nowhere near the NHL level, I haven’t seen a boring match yet! Most games can be streamed online too. It’s just fun hockey. Then afterwards, you’re all invited round to mine for a BBQ and a beer or 2.

      On the actual schedule, I’m really looking forward to the Buins game. I have a few mates who blindly follow them (following a Boston team is ‘cool’ here for some reason) so we are going to try set up a 4g stream on the beach some where and get a bit of a party atmosphere going right before New Years. Should be fun. Cannot wait for the season to kick off!

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  4. VanFan85
    June 21, 2012

    Or how about an IWTG – 2012 entry draft. Could be some fireworks surrounding a goalie from the West Coast with a long term contract, an over-priced center from a Florida team, a high scoring soon-to-be-non-franchise winger playing for a team in a city that nobody really cares about and some guy in Toronto who thinks he is gods gift to hockey. It could be pretty exciting *cough cough*

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  5. BigFan
    June 21, 2012

    This was a fun read, I haven’t seen many (any) Turkish movies from the 70s, but now I can better imagine what they would look like.

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  6. jer
    June 21, 2012

    Oct 19 in Columbus is a game to miss? Who could pass up the chance to see Rick Nash in his first game against his old team? Not to mention Roberto Luongo, in HIS first game against HIS old team??

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    • Nee
      June 21, 2012

      Lu is not waving his no-trade for Columbus. Besides I like the cap hit and skill set better of Bobby Ryan. : )

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  7. madwag
    June 21, 2012

    “The Canucks will probably play POORLY ….they always start the the season SLOWLY….” Please, please don’t contribute to the extinction of adverbs. They work so much better than slovenly placed adjectives.

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  8. SteveB
    June 21, 2012

    Basically, this game will be like the last 20 minutes of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, except with fewer shots of New Zealand’s sweeping, majestic landscape.

    Aigh, I’d foolishly drank one of those ginormous soft drinks and my bladder was overdue for relief and every time I thought the movie was going to end, some damn Elf would show up with waterfalls and fountains in the background and the movie would grind on for another eternity.

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  9. J21 (@Jyrki21)
    June 21, 2012

    Hey, those “4 p.m. starts” are a godsend for those of us out least.

    Besides, I like seeing more random teams like the Islanders for the variety… even though the Canucks have an annoying habit of losing to them. I don’t understand the people who want to see division rivals over and over again. (I know Original 6ers think like this… but they’re, generally speaking, idiots).

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    • J21 (@Jyrki21)
      June 21, 2012

      Heh, Freudian slip… “out least” should have been “out east”. Though not inaccurate the way I wrote it either.

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  10. the real bob
    June 21, 2012

    i like it when the canucks play the flames it’ll pad the point totals for the team and i can make fun of my family in calgary

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    • Gadsby
      June 21, 2012

      They live in Calgary. The Canucks don’t need to beat the Flames for you to make fun of them.

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      • DanD
        June 22, 2012

        Heyo!

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  11. Meg
    June 22, 2012

    Canucks at Flames?! Come on now, you guys are just completely full of yourselves! The article should’ve been about the 5 days after you lose the stanley cup again.

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  12. Rhett
    June 22, 2012

    Wow Canucks can always find the liner of poop under their gold plate by which to complain about, booo hoooo!

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    • Rituro
      June 22, 2012

      According to Wiktionary, sarcasm is defined as “A form of humor that is marked by mocking with irony, sometimes conveyed in speech with vocal over-emphasis. Insincerely saying something which is the opposite of one’s intended meaning, often to emphasize how unbelievable or unlikely it sounds if taken literally, thereby illustrating the obvious nature of one’s intended meaning.”

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  13. Josh
    June 22, 2012

    I’ve been trying to start to take Harrison Mooney seriously, seeing as he writes for puck daddy now. You can always feel a little bit of Canuck bias in his writing though, and I thought he was getting better. But this article? I did a double take that he actually wrote this. I guess I don’t mind all of the “But hey guys! Look! The Canucks ate at McDonald’s this morning! that he has to slip in every day at Puck Daddy to remind us that the Canucks exist, but this article is retarded. I bet the Sedin twins themselves would agree that this is the kind of thing that makes Vancouver look like idiots. In a couple years these “boring” teams will be beating up on Vancouver with frequency. Enjoy your closing cup window. Lame.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      June 22, 2012

      Your first failing was trying to take me seriously.

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  14. Rituro
    June 22, 2012

    “Carmen San Diego”?! For shame, PITB, for shame; the greatest criminal mastermind of her generation has only one last name: Sandiego.

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