The Los Angeles Kings Are Bad

It’s a tradition here at PITB to muster hatred for upcoming playoff opponents by mentally separating their nickname from all its good, positive pop culture associations. This is a tradition that dates all the way back to April of 2010 (when cars were powered by feet and dinosaurs and sabretooth tigers were kept as pets), as the Canucks were gearing up for a first round date with the Los Angeles Kings.

History has repeated itself, as you may know, and the Canucks find themselves preparing for a reprise of that series. (Sadly, without the possibility of Mikael Samuelsson catching fire or Shane O’Brien busting out the double guns.) With that in mind, we thought it might be fun to make like history and repeat ourselves as well by plucking one of our earliest posts from the archives and see if it still holds up. Here is, for your reading pleasure (or displeasure; these things are highly subjective), The Los Angeles Kings are Bad.

***

We are but a mere two days away from the beginning of Vancouver’s 2012 cup run and I’m sure I speak for the entire province when I say I’m finding it hard to focus on other important things in my life. My marriage, my wonderful cat… though all will suffer considerable neglect over the next (hopefully) couple of months, each has seen dependable ol’ Harrison check out mentally pretty early. No love springs from this Canucks fan, especially since I’ve spent the last few days honing my hatred for the Los Angeles Kings.

It’s hard. Obviously, I want the Kings to fail miserably, but it’s nice to see them in the playoffs again. I still like Willie Mitchell, Darryl Sutter deserves success (especially after missing the day God was handing out winning smiles), and Drew Doughty is one Hell of a hockey player.

But I digress. For the next four to seven games, at least, the Los Angeles Kings are bad. BAD. If you think they are good, you obviously have them confused with some other kings. Perhaps the Brandon Wheat Kings? Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings? Maybe you like those kings, but you don’t like the LA Kings. The LA Kings are bad.

Martin Luther King is good. Maybe that’s who you’re thinking of. The LA Kings are bad. Perhaps you’re a member of the secret political consortium that conspired to destroy MLK’s reputation with allegations of extramarital affairs and, ultimately, assassinate him? Well, if you think he was bad, the LA Kings are worse.

King Richard Brodeur? Good. King Clancy? Why he’s a hockey legend, a trophy, and a Canadian sex act. All of those things are good. The LA Kings are bad.

King penguins are cute. Cute is good. King cobras are bad. But not as bad as the LA Kings.

Evelyn “Champagne” King? Pretty good. Ben E. King? Hecka good. King Crimson? Wholly underrated, and so, so good. If you’re thinking of good kings, you might be thinking of In the Court of the Crimson King. That’s a prog-rock classic. Prog-rock classics are good. The LA Kings are BAD.

King Triton refused to let his daughter find true love because of a prejudice against bipeds. How selfish! King Midas is just as selfish. He turned his own daughter into gold for no reason. King Lear treats all of his daughters like garbage for his own self-aggrandizement! And King Henry VIII didn’t even want a daughter! He killed all of his wives just for giving birth to girls! The LA Kings are more selfish than these kings, and they hate women just as much.

Don’t confuse the LA Kings with King Edward the Confessor, the patron saint of kings. King David? King Solomon? Yeah, they were obviously good. Don’t confuse the LA Kings with Jesus Christ, the King of Kings. He was good. The LA Kings crucified him. Well, we all did, but you see what I’m getting at. The LA Kings are bad. The King James Bible is good. Unless you’re Christopher Hitchens, in which case, the King James Bible is bad. Just like the LA Kings.

Good King Wenceslas is known for his goodness, and it was certainly a truer quality than his kingliness. He was only a duke. The LA Kings are, likewise, not even real kings.

King Koopa? Why, he’s bad, unless you’re talking about King Koopa’s Kool Kartoons. Or if you’re playing Mario Power Tennis, in which case, his powerful forehand is a godsend against other heavyweights like King Boo (also bad, and, like Dustin Brown, he’ll hit you from behind) and Donkey Kong. And speaking of Kongs, King Kong is pretty bad (especially if we’re talking about the Jessica Lange version). Or is he? I guess, in all seriousness, it’s man that was kind of the villain there. But let’s agree that he still did a lot of damage. And either way he’s better than the LA Kings. So is Kirby’s foe, King Dedede (who looks a bit like Kyle Wellwood) and Donkey Kong’s archnemesis, King K. Rool, who had a wicked theme song, but snatched a lot of bananas.

This seems like a good lead-in for a Billie Jean King reference, but I can’t think of one. She’s good, unless you’re Dr. James Dobson, for instance. Then she’s bad. Just like the LA Kings. King of the Hill? Burger King? Stephen King? I am indifferent to these kings. The LA Kings? I know for a fact that they are bad, bad, bad.

In closing, the LA Kings are bad.

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49 comments

  1. Skeeter
    April 14, 2010

    Agreed. I think it is clear to any independent observer that the Vancouver Canucks are ethically and morally superior to the LA Kings. Anyone who disagrees is also bad.

    To clarify, I do not mean bad in the Michael Jackson sense. Or, to quote John Reuben, "Not bad meaning good, but bad meaning bad."

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3o5CkJrAJhg

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    • BB
      April 10, 2012

      Oh and let’s not forget Luongo. Do you think is occasional meltdowns are a coincidence? I can’t believe I took him in my pool. There is something inherently wrong on the inside of Roberto when it comes to winning. His pattern is simple he gets a shutout and then let’s in 7 goals, then let’s in 1 goal and then 7 again. Then 2 shutouts in a row then let’s in 6 goals. This year will only prove that once again…and then were left thinking…oh my god we have another 10 years with him.

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  2. Rachael
    April 14, 2010

    Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Kings are BAD. I'm going to focus on the first paragraph.

    RE: Hockey-Head Husbands

    It was around this time last year that I came to a decision. This is one situation where "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" truly applies.

    What I'm trying to say is, I'm excited for the playoffs. WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!

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  3. peanutflower
    April 9, 2012

    Drew pouty Doughty? The last time I saw him be “one hell of a hockey player” was the day before he signed his big contract.

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  4. Zach Morris
    April 9, 2012

    I’m somewhat disappointed, I was kinda hoping you’d write a whole new one :(

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    • Harrison Mooney
      April 9, 2012

      Heh. If I had, it would have looked pretty much like this.

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  5. hs
    April 9, 2012

    Glad to see there are others in the same boat. I have lost all focus in life. It is all about the playoffs now. Time to redecorate to Canuck-themed living room, where we intend to watch at least 16 play-off games. Time to clear the schedule for unobstructed hockey watching. I LOVE IT!

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    • Lexie
      April 9, 2012

      If this year is anything like last year, my couch is going to take a beating- not to mention my bank account, and I am FAR to stressy on game days to actually cook!

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  6. Kavy36
    April 9, 2012

    Wait, the LA Kings are bad? Whoa.
    MIND BLOWN.

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  7. CanuckFanInSF
    April 9, 2012

    All this post needs are flashing images of the Burger King – uh – King, cobras, tridents, pancakes, crowns and Darryl Sutter scowling at puppies and the brainwashing will be complete.

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  8. Alison
    April 9, 2012

    Thank you for this – I needed it as I’m stuck in the Centre of the Hockey Universe (aka Toronto) for a week and they hate our Nucks. Won’t even go into the rants in the local papers. I find it especially amusing that they dismiss the President’s Trophy as not a “real trophy” and no big deal but the Leafs didn’t make the playoffs (again!). I think they should try to make the playoffs first, then aim for their division title, then the Conference, then the President’s Trophy and then they can comment on what an underachieving, overrated, whining group we have in Vancouver. Seriously?? Can’t wait to get home – they suck the life out of hockey here.

    Thanks for the laughs today – I knew I could count on you!

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    • peanutflower
      April 9, 2012

      Alison, this is Alison speaking lol. I’m assuming you read the Star “everybody hates the Canucks” piece. I wrote a comment calling out the author for doing nothing but dishing out last year’s crap and just starting the same old same old over again. She didn’t even do her research properly — the Canucks are the only team, or one of the few teams at least, that did not receive any suspensions, and they had the most suspensions and fines drawn than any other team, so yeah, I guess that means the Canucks are a team of cowards and divers and whiners. Of course they didn’t publish my comment. So I sent them an e-mail and called them cowards. Whatever. I didn’t even use any bad words. I feel sorry for you if that’s the general mood in the COTHU.

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      • John in Marpole
        April 9, 2012

        You know what really frosts their flakes in Toronto? Point out that Montreal is the True Centre of the Hockey Universe. The best part is, that is a true statement.

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  9. tj
    April 9, 2012

    I’m all verklempt… This was from about the time I started following PITB v.1. It does hold up! I think the other Kings-related bad thing will be their ice, from what I understand. And a bad NBA strike which may cause some difficulty scheduling. Maybe I’m mistaken about this potentially affecting the NHL SCP?

    Anyhoo–it’s nice taking a nostalgic walk to days of PITB olde.

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  10. Hoofaloo
    April 9, 2012

    The Los Angeles Kings are good.

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    • Brandon
      April 9, 2012

      Reread article

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  11. Brent
    April 9, 2012

    Is it plagiarism when you copy yourself?

    “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.

    To steal from many is research.”

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    • sarah
      April 9, 2012

      It is. If you want to refer to your own previous work, you have to cite it just as you would with any other piece…which PITB did, so I think they’re fine

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      • Brent
        April 9, 2012

        Yes I know, I was trying to be funny! Fail!

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        • sarah
          April 9, 2012

          Sorry, I was trying to be informative. Double fail!

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      • Brent
        April 9, 2012

        Yes I know, I was trying to be funny! Fail!

        I guess my wife is right, I am not that funny.

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        • Harrison Mooney
          April 9, 2012

          We still love you, Brent.

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          • Brent
            April 10, 2012

            Even after not being funny and a double post. Wow! Thanks!

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  12. obituary mambo
    April 9, 2012

    The whole article had me in stitches, but I particularly enjoyed this little nature lesson:

    “King penguins are cute. Cute is good. King cobras are bad. But not as bad as the LA Kings.”

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  13. Matt
    April 9, 2012

    The LA Kings are worse than King Charles I and King Louis XVI, and they deserve an even worse fate than those kings.

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  14. pulling the goalie
    April 9, 2012

    no game of thrones reference?

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  15. Gene Krupa
    April 9, 2012

    The L.A. Kings ARE bad. They are bad like ALL CAPS. They are BAD-der than Jessica Rabbit, who was not really bad anyways, she was just drawn badly.

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  16. superreggie
    April 9, 2012

    You know, they are also kind of bad in the sense of, like, just not that great a hockey team. Like, that last game against the Nucks, they were, just plain bad…

    It’s funny about how all the press is all “wooo those Kings, this is gonna be a tough series” yaddayadda. I dunno. I think the Kings kind of suck actually, and the Canucks are gonna take this in an absolute maximum of 6 games…

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  17. Ed Lau
    April 9, 2012

    Clearly history and science are on our side.

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  18. cj
    April 9, 2012

    As we watched and realized
    the Canucks would the Oilers beat,
    we knew the team most criticized
    must be the one that we would meet.

    Ergo we just relaxed a bit
    because we could control our fate;
    we let the Sharks get back in it
    to play the team embracing hate.

    We love the way you whine and dive
    just hoping you might get a call;
    we say that you’ll be out in five
    and that our Kings will win it all.

    We are Cyanocitta Jay
    and sole mate Aracauna Hen;
    we just flew in from East LA
    to torment cousin Jenny Wren,

    one who although she’d never say
    hoped you’d be playing San Jose,
    and we just thought your blog we’d troll
    to praise the likes of Jarrett Stoll.

    CJ

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    • obituary mambo
      April 9, 2012

      So, this is the personality I was warned about, eh? I wouldn’t have guessed Cyanocitta Jay was a Kings fan.

      PS~ Is that the royal we, or does CJ think s/he is more than one person/bird?

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  19. Oh-Vee
    April 9, 2012

    The Sacramento Kings are a bad basketball team. But at least the owners want to move the team from California, the state where the LA Kings are from and the LA Kings are really bad.

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  20. cj
    April 9, 2012

    “We” are Cyanocitta Jay / and sole mate Aracauna Hen.
    We’ve come to watch our heroes play / just shortly after April ten.

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  21. Anonymous
    April 9, 2012

    Don’t confuse the LA Kings with Jesus Christ, the King of Kings. He was good. The LA Kings crucified him. Well, we all did, but you see what I’m getting at.

    Cracked me up. Love this time of year.

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  22. Syd Blackwell
    April 9, 2012

    What? No mention of the Gypsy Kings. (Good)

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  23. tj
    April 9, 2012

    This is probably not the right place for this observation, but FYI, PITB, the TV show House had an episode tonight about a hockey minor league players. I’ve not watched the whole thing, but I see the jerseys are, essentially, Vancouver vs LA. ‘Vancouver’ makes what should have been a called illegal hip check (very low, and in real life the refs would have been all over Van for it ;) ). Then an ‘LA’ goon takes out a ‘Vancouver’ player off the face off. Sheesh.

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  24. the real bob
    April 9, 2012

    we’ll always have that game 5 where the goaltender was pulled…twice

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  25. JDM
    April 9, 2012

    I kind of suspect that the Burger King is a sex offender. Or at the very least, a very creepy dude. Indifference is not, in my view, the appropriate stance to take here.

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  26. J21
    April 10, 2012

    I’m confused — if this is a reproduction of the 2010 piece, how is Darryl Sutter mentioned? Or did you edit that one part?

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    • Harrison Mooney
      April 10, 2012

      Yeah, I made edits.

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  27. BB
    April 10, 2012

    What a stupid article. Yeah, team Canada Richards, Doughty. Team USA Brown, Quick (best goalie in the league). Not to mention others in Kopitar (Jagr like) and Justin Williams oh an the another team Canada nominee in Carter are bad. Your an idiot. As much as I am a Canuck fan this series will go 7. And if Malhotra doesn’t catch quick by surprise early in their last outing the Kings could easily be up 3-1 in the regular season series. To summate…Harrison Mooney, Bad!

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    • tj
      April 10, 2012

      Erm, buddy, it’s called humour. Catch a sense of it, maybe? Subtlety, much like close reading, is an art. Mooney does indeed acknowledge LA is a very good team. Might I recommend, though, when calling someone an idiot, you not misspell ‘you’re’. It undermines your intent, not to mention your credibility.

      Please, whatever you do, stay out in whatever suburb you live in, during the SCPs. Methinks you are just the sort of Canucks fan who causes trouble for the rest of us.

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      • BB
        April 11, 2012

        Thanks, from now on for all my posts I’ll have you double check for all spelling and grammar mistakes before sending them out. And funny, where? What was funny? Funny stems from the truth and the truth is the kings are not bad, so how is that funny. Read the article again no mention of how good LA is other than him liking Mitchell and Doughty. This would be funny:

        THE LOS ANGELES KINGS ARE REAL GOOD, Roberto Luongo not so good. King Richard Brodeur was really good. Andrew Ebbett is bad. Martin Luther King was good. The Canucks should not take the kings for granted because that is bad. This comment, real good. Harrison Mooneys article, bad. This comment is also funny, so good. Tj’s response, bad.

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      • BB
        April 11, 2012

        PS – Also last time I checked you shouldn’t start off a sentence with “Erm” .

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      • BB
        April 11, 2012

        But don’t worry your credibility is still good with me…(walking away) now that is funny!

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      • BB
        April 11, 2012

        “Methinks” that’s credible. Who are you? Popeye!

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    • Kyle
      April 13, 2012

      You really need to figure out how to interpret things other than in the literal sense.

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  28. kb
    April 10, 2012

    <-kings fan

    funny!!!. :D

    p.s.
    wow vancouver fans aren't all BAD.
    BUT… ur still about to get de-throned mr. presidents trophy winners.

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  29. OneTimer
    April 11, 2012

    Good article, made me chuckle. And biggest congrats go to the fact that you managed to avoid the word “Queens”! Which has got to be the NHL’s most stale, the most uninventive, the most was-funny-the-first-600-times-I-heard-it-but-seriously-it’s-time-to-buy-some-new-material-if-you’re-trying-to-insult our LA Kings since I heard “How much time left?!” at 1:00 left in the period. (Ok … maybe not that old.)

    Here’s to a good series, a dandy of a classic battle, and to no one on either side cheating like Ryan Clowe. Cheers.

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