Ryan Kesler has been everywhere this past year. Whether it’s appearing naked in ESPN the Magazine or popping up behind whomever the true subject of a photo or video is meant to be, Kesler has been appearing all over the place. The one place I didn’t expect him to appear: The CW.
That’s about to change. Sort of. Ryan Kesler will get a shoutout on The CW’s teen drama (with witchcraft) “The Secret Circle” on Thursday, but thanks to a promo they have released, you can see the relevant scene right now.
It makes sense when you think about it. The CW’s stated target market is women 18-34; if Kesler wasn’t married, I’m sure that would also be his target market.
The show is set in the fictional town of Chance Harbor, Washington, and the scene called for a reference to hockey. Since Seattle doesn’t have an NHL team (yet), the writers went with a Vancouver Canucks reference instead. Unfortunately, the writers apparently didn’t bother actually finding out anything about hockey when they wrote this scene. Enjoy the awkwardness:
This is hilariously terrible in so many ways. Let’s start with the non-hockey ones: first of all, if I have phenomenal witchy powers, I’m not using them to help a female friend with her passive-aggressive bitchiness. That’s just silly.
Second of all, this episode, “Sacrifice,” apparently features a witch-hunter, explosions, fire, backhanded slaps, and resurrecting demons. That’s all from the actual promo for the episode. Look, if you’ve got that kind of awesomeness in your hand, you play it! Don’t release a boring scene about using witchcraft to disrupt someone’s flirting. That’s like folding pocket aces pre-flop, then moving all-in with a 3-9, off-suit. Get it together, CW!
That said, the most embarrassing parts of this clip are all about the hockey. Here’s a quick transcription of the relevant quotes:
I was just wondering if you caught the Canucks game last night…It’s kinda crazy: when I watched Kesler, it totally reminded me of your game and how he caught the breakaway and deked the defenceman. It was like your move in the third period of the conference finals when you tried that slap shot and scored from the blueline.
Wait, what? A professional writer wrote that?
Let’s break this down: she’s talking about Kesler getting a breakaway and then dekeing a defenceman. That’ s not how breakaways work. If you have to deke a defenceman, it’s not a breakaway. Actually, it’s worse: she says that Kesler “caught the breakaway.” A breakaway isn’t a type of pass. But it gets even worse: she compares this to a goal scored by “Kyle” on a slap shot from the blueline. A breakaway is nothing like a slap shot from the blueline.
This reads exactly like what it is: someone took a series of words associated with hockey – breakaway, deke, slap shot, blueline – and tossed them together randomly with no regard as to whether the resulting sentence made a lick of sense. Add in the name of a professional hockey player who might appeal to that all-important 18-34 female demographic and you’re done!
Shockingly, the response from the hockey player she’s talking to isn’t to laugh at her for so blatantly knowing nothing about hockey. Instead, the response is slack-jawed awe at the very idea of a girl talking about hockey. And it’s not just him: the entire table of hockey players stops and stares at her as if she has just blown their minds with pure, unadulterated hockey knowledge.
Two things: first, it’s a little condescending that every single hockey player at the table would be shocked to see a pretty girl who knows something about hockey. Second, it’s really condescending that she doesn’t actually know about hockey but that words are literally being put into her mouth by a man.
That’s right: Adam, over at the bar, is using his witchy witchcraft to relay all the right words to impress the local hockey hero. Basically, according to this show, the only way a girl could know anything about hockey is through witchcraft.
Let’s just say that Ryan Kesler’s TV name drop doesn’t quite compare to Mason Raymond’s on “How I Met Your Mother.”
“Sacrifice” will air on March 29th on The CW at 9:00.Tags: Apparently women don't know anything about hockey, Ryan Kesler, The CW, The Secret Circle, The YouTubes