Video: Ryan Kesler gets a shout-out on CW program “The Secret Circle”
Ryan Kesler is not thrilled with this development.

Ryan Kesler has been everywhere this past year. Whether it’s appearing naked in ESPN the Magazine or popping up behind whomever the true subject of a photo or video is meant to be, Kesler has been appearing all over the place. The one place I didn’t expect him to appear: The CW.

That’s about to change. Sort of. Ryan Kesler will get a shoutout on The CW’s teen drama (with witchcraft) “The Secret Circle” on Thursday, but thanks to a promo they have released, you can see the relevant scene right now.

It makes sense when you think about it. The CW’s stated target market is women 18-34; if Kesler wasn’t married, I’m sure that would also be his target market.

The show is set in the fictional town of Chance Harbor, Washington, and the scene called for a reference to hockey. Since Seattle doesn’t have an NHL team (yet), the writers went with a Vancouver Canucks reference instead. Unfortunately, the writers apparently didn’t bother actually finding out anything about hockey when they wrote this scene. Enjoy the awkwardness:

This is hilariously terrible in so many ways. Let’s start with the non-hockey ones: first of all, if I have phenomenal witchy powers, I’m not using them to help a female friend with her passive-aggressive bitchiness. That’s just silly.

Second of all, this episode, “Sacrifice,” apparently features a witch-hunter, explosions, fire, backhanded slaps, and resurrecting demons. That’s all from the actual promo for the episode. Look, if you’ve got that kind of awesomeness in your hand, you play it! Don’t release a boring scene about using witchcraft to disrupt someone’s flirting. That’s like folding pocket aces pre-flop, then moving all-in with a 3-9, off-suit. Get it together, CW!

That said, the most embarrassing parts of this clip are all about the hockey. Here’s a quick transcription of the relevant quotes:

I was just wondering if you caught the Canucks game last night…It’s kinda crazy: when I watched Kesler, it totally reminded me of your game and how he caught the breakaway and deked the defenceman. It was like your move in the third period of the conference finals when you tried that slap shot and scored from the blueline.

Wait, what? A professional writer wrote that?

Let’s break this down: she’s talking about Kesler getting a breakaway and then dekeing a defenceman. That’ s not how breakaways work. If you have to deke a defenceman, it’s not a breakaway. Actually, it’s worse: she says that Kesler “caught the breakaway.” A breakaway isn’t a type of pass. But it gets even worse: she compares this to a goal scored by “Kyle” on a slap shot from the blueline. A breakaway is nothing like a slap shot from the blueline.

This reads exactly like what it is: someone took a series of words associated with hockey – breakaway, deke, slap shot, blueline – and tossed them together randomly with no regard as to whether the resulting sentence made a lick of sense. Add in the name of a professional hockey player who might appeal to that all-important 18-34 female demographic and you’re done!

Shockingly, the response from the hockey player she’s talking to isn’t to laugh at her for so blatantly knowing nothing about hockey. Instead, the response is slack-jawed awe at the very idea of a girl talking about hockey. And it’s not just him: the entire table of hockey players stops and stares at her as if she has just blown their minds with pure, unadulterated hockey knowledge.

Two things: first, it’s a little condescending that every single hockey player at the table would be shocked to see a pretty girl who knows something about hockey. Second, it’s really condescending that she doesn’t actually know about hockey but that words are literally being put into her mouth by a man.

That’s right: Adam, over at the bar, is using his witchy witchcraft to relay all the right words to impress the local hockey hero. Basically, according to this show, the only way a girl could know anything about hockey is through witchcraft.

Let’s just say that Ryan Kesler’s TV name drop doesn’t quite compare to Mason Raymond’s on “How I Met Your Mother.”

“Sacrifice” will air on March 29th on The CW at 9:00.

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37 comments

  1. RG
    March 27, 2012

    I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

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    Rating: +34 (from 34 votes)
  2. Hoofaloo
    March 27, 2012

    How do you find these things?!

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    Rating: +15 (from 15 votes)
  3. peanutflower
    March 27, 2012

    Blech. Is that show filmed here then?

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    Rating: +6 (from 6 votes)
    • Harrison Mooney
      March 27, 2012

      I would imagine, yeah. It would have been way funnier if they’d made a Sedin reference. No one makes Sedin references.

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      Rating: +20 (from 20 votes)
      • Gadsby
        March 27, 2012

        Louie Giglio makes Sedin references.

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        Rating: +6 (from 6 votes)
        • Harrison Mooney
          March 27, 2012

          Ah. Touché.

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  4. Zach Morris
    March 27, 2012

    I LOL’d.
    It kind of reminded me of a grandparent talking about video games.

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    Rating: +16 (from 18 votes)
  5. Rituro
    March 27, 2012

    While this whole thing is pretty cringe-worthy, Daniel nails it on the most offensive part:

    “Basically, according to this show, the only way a girl could know anything about hockey is through witchcraft.”

    Ugh. Y’know, the most passionate hockey person I know is my Grandma. Put her in a room with a video collection of the ’94 series and twenty non-fans and I guarantee you’ll get a 90% conversion rate. (Also, do not mention Mark Messier around her. Ever.) Of my female co-workers, only two have zero sports knowledge/interest; the rest have, at the very least, a passing knowledge of either hockey or soccer. Trying to pass women off as illiterate about sports is just insulting.

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    Rating: +55 (from 55 votes)
    • Immie_8
      March 27, 2012

      The CW is notorious for this. And the confounding thing is that they claim that women are their target market. Even more confounding, this network is run by a woman.

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      Rating: +13 (from 13 votes)
    • cathylu
      March 27, 2012

      I agree. I’ve been a sports fan almost all my life (but a closeted one these last 30 years since I married a man who had no interest in sports, which is odd since he’s worked for Fox Sports for the last 20 years). I’m so happy he came around a couple of years ago to discover that hockey is awesome. Now I can let my sports enthusiasm out. I am happy to say I can hold my own in almost any hockey conversation with my (mostly male) co-workers.

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      Rating: +12 (from 12 votes)
    • John in Marpole
      March 28, 2012

      Your Grandma is awesome.

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      Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
  6. Jay bouw
    March 27, 2012

    Hockey… the illegitimate and misunderstood step-child of professional sports in the U.S. The uneducated references by script-writers will never stop. And think! What happens when teams start folding down south (ie. Atlanta). Hockey literacy gets even worse! It’s kind of like all the 80′s movies and TV shows that felt obliged to make some ill conceived comment on skateboarding culture in the 80′s! Kowabunga Dudes!

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    Rating: +12 (from 12 votes)
  7. Immie_8
    March 27, 2012

    Please say that you have tweeted this vid to all Canucks who have an account!

    Definitely ranks in the “so terrible that I can’t help but laugh” category.

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    Rating: +9 (from 9 votes)
  8. Andre
    March 27, 2012

    I’m an older guy: not quite your grandfather, but with a 25 year-old son, and I hadn’t the faintest clue of what CW stands for.

    I read your blog because it does sports reporting better than anyone else: with unbiased reporting, insightful analysis, wit and irreverence. But please, don’t shut me out by referring to your generational acronyms without a landmark, as in:”The one place I didn’t expect him to appear: The CW.”. You kinda did tell me (and my kin) afterwards, but not really.

    Oh, and about the female hockey fan thing. When I return home on the ferry while the game is on, my wife texts me the play-by-play, which my Canucks app can’t do. She likes Kesler’s play, but still prefers Burrows or Lapierre and does not have his photo as wallpaper on her phone (unlike other lasses I know). Both their sexiness and play can be appreciated.

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    Rating: +11 (from 11 votes)
    • Harrison Mooney
      March 27, 2012

      I have NO idea what CW stands for. None whatsoever.

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      Rating: +8 (from 8 votes)
      • peanutflower
        March 27, 2012

        Well, good old Wikipedia says it’s a joint venture between CBS and Time Warner, hence the “CW”. I don’t like the faintly chauvinistic tone of this whole thing either. I’m the mom of two young adults daughters and I have young adult nephews and I bet I know more about hockey than all of them. Harrison might disagree, but he knows more than me anyway :)

        CW shows stuff like Gossip Girl, Jersey Show, Vampire Diaries, that kind of tripe. The stuff that inevitably clogs up my PVR until I get pissed off and delete all of it and have to face the wrath of the daughters. I don’t know if there is actually one good show on there. Except maybe — nope, there’s not one.

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        Rating: +13 (from 13 votes)
        • peanutflower
          March 27, 2012

          Jersey Shore, Jersey Show, whatever lol.

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          Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
        • immie_8
          March 27, 2012

          Supernatural used to be pretty good. I stopped watching after the debacle that was the finale of S5 and a disapponting S6, but I still read reviews and from the sound of things it’s still the most watchable show on that netwOrk. (Not high praise I know.). But the acting on Supernatural is phenomenal no matter what.

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          Rating: +4 (from 6 votes)
  9. Locode
    March 27, 2012

    who watches this crap?

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    Rating: +7 (from 7 votes)
    • Rituro
      March 27, 2012

      Crap watchers. What do you think “CW” stands for?

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      Rating: +39 (from 39 votes)
      • cathylu
        March 27, 2012

        Zing!!

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        Rating: +16 (from 16 votes)
  10. Lizz
    March 27, 2012

    wait…saying a jumble of hockey sounding words combined with a players name at random doesn’t make all the guys in the bar stop and stare? DAMN IT. I’ve been doing it wrong.

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    Rating: +30 (from 30 votes)
  11. SteveB
    March 27, 2012

    Maybe it’s time for PITB to reply in kind, using a jumble of supernatural words & occult phrases and call it I Witched This Game. :-\

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    Rating: +21 (from 21 votes)
    • Rituro
      March 27, 2012

      Now that’d put a whole new spin on “wizardous Sedinerie”.

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      Rating: +17 (from 17 votes)
  12. Slappy Cat
    March 27, 2012

    Hey, but the girl kinda hot don’t ya think ?

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    Rating: -3 (from 13 votes)
  13. CanuckBlondie
    March 27, 2012

    The executive producer claims to be a Leafs fan on his Twitter (https://twitter.com/#!/MillerLoLife). Why didn’t he stop this awful conglomeration of words?!

    (and yes, curiosity got the best of me to check out the CW site…I’m not proud)

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    Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
  14. Kate
    March 27, 2012

    Oh my god oh god this is soo bad and the grossest attempt at trying to be “one of the guys” but sexy at the same time. Barf. Pretty sure I’ve scared off many a male while watching games with the yelling, beer spilling and swearing. The price you pay for enjoying a game. Maybe her strategy is the one to go with…uggh.

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    Rating: +6 (from 6 votes)
  15. sarah
    March 27, 2012

    My new pick up line is now “Stamkos, skate, penalty, Bauer, forecheck, icing, Ron McLean, Goaltender’s trapezoid.”

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    Rating: +22 (from 22 votes)
    • sarah
      March 27, 2012

      also, everyone knows that the way to compliment a Canucks fan is to tell him that he’s looking Trevor Linden good. Poor form, C-Dub, poor form.

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      Rating: +21 (from 21 votes)
      • SteveB
        March 27, 2012

        everyone knows that the way to compliment a Canucks fan is to tell him that he’s looking Trevor Linden good.

        ^ they really blew it, heartthrob dude even wears the hallowed #16!

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        Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
    • hockeyispretty
      March 27, 2012

      If you’re in Vancouver, best leave out Ron McLean.

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      Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
      • By-Tor
        March 28, 2012

        Unless you add “is an idiot” afterwards.

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        Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
        • sarah
          March 28, 2012

          You’ll have to excuse me. Seeing as how I’m female, I was only able to put together this list through googling “hockey terms” as I obviously know nothing about the sport.

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          Rating: +7 (from 7 votes)
  16. westcan
    March 28, 2012

    I see it’s a slow news day on the Blogs as well

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  17. Brent
    March 28, 2012

    All I heard when the attractive woman was talking was Kessler bla bla, breakaway bla bla deked bla bla conference final bla bla slapshot bla bla scored bla blueline.

    Maybe I am a potential CW watcher?

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  18. Sonia
    March 28, 2012

    Would this make more sense? “I was just wondering if you caught the Canucks game last night. Its kinda crazy … when I watched Kesler, it totally reminded me of your game and how he got the breakaway and deked the goaltender. It was like your move in the shootout of the conference finals when you deked forehand to backhand and scored the game-winning goal.”

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    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)