The NHL’s General Managers recently wrapped up three days worth of meetings in Boca Raton, Florida, at which rule changes and other innovations to improve the game were suggested. Here at PITB, we were a little surprised to hear about Mike Gillis’s proposal, an initiative to outlaw hand-passing in the defensive zone.
It makes sense when you think about it, but the fact that the suggestion came from Mike Gillis, General Manager of the Vancouver Canucks, was strange. If anyone in the NHL was to suffer from this rule, it would be defensive specialist Manny Malhotra, who wins a great deal of faceoffs in his own zone by way of the hand pass. Why was Mike Gillis trying to spoil Manny Malhotra’s party?
As it turns out, it wasn’t solely about Malhotra. Gillis was trying to bring down the entire Canucks’ system from the inside — to bury his group in a sea of red tape and rule changes. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. But, considering Gillis continues to employ Alain Vigneault, despite the Canucks having only the second-best record in the Western Conference, it’s obvious he’s setting this group up to fail.
And now we have further proof. PITB has produced a very real, super authentic and totally not made up at all transcript of Gillis’s time on the floor, and Canuck fans should be thanking their lucky stars that most of these ideas were vetoed outright. What follows are 11 alarming excerpts from Mike Gillis’s speech:
- “It’s the year 2012. Scientists have already successfully cloned a sheep, and humans can’t be far behind. I submit to you that it’s already being done in secret. There is no doubt in my mind that somewhere, someone is raising a crop of Sidney Crosbies. Do we want the NHL overrun by clones? No thank you, which is why I think we should make a rule that no team is allowed to employ two players who look identical to one another.”
- Nothing stratifies the league like lopsided trades. The steady outflow of talent from the Florida Panthers organization in particular is noxious to parity. Thus, all trades with that franchise should henceforth be deemed illegal.
- I can’t be the only one that’s noticed the Canucks play with much more offensive firepower when they’re trying to come back from down two goals, which is why I propose that they start all games with this deficit.”
- “I want to promote rules that push the play forward. This is why I am suggesting that we outlaw drop passes, especially on the powerplay. This ain’t rugby.”
- “After consulting a Swedish-to-English dictionary, it turns out ‘Sedin’ actually is Swedish for ‘punch me or headlock me in a scrum.’ So let’s make that okay.”
- “In the spirit of diversity, no one line can be made up solely of players from the same country.”
- “As a former player agent, I’m well-versed in how competitive and taxing the business of hockey can be for the players. As such, I propose we simplify the way we go about dealing with these issues by creating one superagent who will represent all NHLPA members. I nominate Ritch Winter.”
- “I don’t have to tell you all how late our games end in the East. In the spirit of fairness to you fine Easterners, let us mandate that puck drop for all West Coast games take place at 8am Pacific standard time.”
- “Nothing ends a good offensive chance quite like when a player falls down in the offensive zone. Let’s make this a minor penalty.”
- “And finally, my assistant GM, Laurence Gilman, has created a 60-page document outlining all the exploitable loopholes in the current Collective Bargaining Agreement. We would like to share it with you in the hopes of closing each one.”
s/t to Thomas Drance for his help with this post.
Tags: fire vigneault
, gm meetings
, Mike Gillis
, mike gillis is up to no good i am telling you
, rule changes