This past fall, the NHL joined the NBA, the MLB, and the NFL in partnering with Bleacher Creature Toys, a company based in Pennsylvania that turns the sporting world’s most popular athletes into plush dolls. Now, anybody can snuggle up with a Sidney Crosby, Henrik Lundqvist, or Patrick Kane doll, provided they’re willing to drop $25. (Of course, you could probably do that with the real Patrick Kane for free, especially if you’re an unbelievable blonde.)
There are currently 23 Bleacher Creatures available in the NHL store, and 3 of them are Canucks: Henrik Sedin, Daniel Sedin, and Ryan Kesler. They’re all terrible.
Incredibly, the Canucks are only one of 3 teams to have 3 of their players turned into Bleacher Creatures, the other two being the Buffalo Sabres and Tampa Bay Lightning for some weird reason. Sadly, there is no Christian Ehrhoff Bleacher Creature, crushing my dream of reuniting four-fifths of last year’s number-one ranked powerplay in doll form. Anyway.
But let’s be clear: the Canucks don’t have 3 because their team is teeming with marketable superstars — they have 3 because, once you make Henrik, all you have to do is change a few letters (swap an H for a D and a C for an A) and you have Daniel. They’re the exact same doll.
Despite the two dolls being identical, by the way, neither looks anything like Henrik or Daniel Sedin. That said, if you’re looking for a “Louis C.K. wearing Canucks gear” doll, Bleacher Creatures has got you covered.
Also, why do they have bangs? And why are they sold separately? IT’S ALL WRONG.
But the real travesty here is Ryan Kesler. Look at this thing:
Seriously. What the heck.
First, that looks nothing like Ryan Kesler. That looks like Raffi Torres crossed with Dale Weise, with hair by Tanner Glass.
Second, speaking of hair, WHY DOES IT HAVE RED HAIR. Kesler is, like, the only Canuck that isn’t a ginger. Have you ever looked at his hair and thought, Well, that’s nothing if not burnt sienna? Seriously, what is going on here? Is the NHL trying to gaslight us?
s/t to J21 for the tip.Tags: bleacher creatures, Daniel Sedin, Henrik, Kesler, kesler is not a ginger, merchandise