The Canucks Bleacher Creatures are all abominations

This past fall, the NHL joined the NBA, the MLB, and the NFL in partnering with Bleacher Creature Toys, a company based in Pennsylvania that turns the sporting world’s most popular athletes into plush dolls. Now, anybody can snuggle up with a Sidney Crosby, Henrik Lundqvist, or Patrick Kane doll, provided they’re willing to drop $25. (Of course, you could probably do that with the real Patrick Kane for free, especially if you’re an unbelievable blonde.)

There are currently 23 Bleacher Creatures available in the NHL store, and 3 of them are Canucks: Henrik Sedin, Daniel Sedin, and Ryan Kesler. They’re all terrible.

Incredibly, the Canucks are only one of 3 teams to have 3 of their players turned into Bleacher Creatures, the other two being the Buffalo Sabres and Tampa Bay Lightning for some weird reason. Sadly, there is no Christian Ehrhoff Bleacher Creature, crushing my dream of reuniting four-fifths of last year’s number-one ranked powerplay in doll form. Anyway.

But let’s be clear: the Canucks don’t have 3 because their team is teeming with marketable superstars — they have 3 because, once you make Henrik, all you have to do is change a few letters (swap an H for a D and a C for an A) and you have Daniel. They’re the exact same doll.

Despite the two dolls being identical, by the way, neither looks anything like Henrik or Daniel Sedin. That said, if you’re looking for a “Louis C.K. wearing Canucks gear” doll, Bleacher Creatures has got you covered.

Also, why do they have bangs? And why are they sold separately? IT’S ALL WRONG.

But the real travesty here is Ryan Kesler. Look at this thing:

Seriously. What the heck.

First, that looks nothing like Ryan Kesler. That looks like Raffi Torres crossed with Dale Weise, with hair by Tanner Glass.

Second, speaking of hair, WHY DOES IT HAVE RED HAIR. Kesler is, like, the only Canuck that isn’t a ginger. Have you ever looked at his hair and thought, Well, that’s nothing if not burnt sienna? Seriously, what is going on here? Is the NHL trying to gaslight us?

 

s/t to J21 for the tip.

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22 comments

  1. peanutflower
    February 12, 2012

    I bet the NHL is on its way making an entire GINGER canucks team. It’s a conspiracy.

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    Rating: +23 (from 23 votes)
  2. bieksallent1076
    February 12, 2012

    That was the first thing I thought when I saw the two Sedin dolls…they just switched the number and letters up! It’s the same doll! And don’t even get me started on the Kesler doll…this is all so wrong *shakes head*

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    Rating: +18 (from 18 votes)
  3. Jeff
    February 12, 2012

    Kesler’s missing his ‘A’, too. This totally sucks.

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    Rating: +8 (from 8 votes)
  4. Lia
    February 12, 2012

    at least they got kesler’s the nose right.

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    Rating: +15 (from 15 votes)
  5. Max
    February 12, 2012

    I got my girlfriend the Kesler one for her birthday, his hair actually looks a good amount darker and less red in real life.

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    Rating: +3 (from 5 votes)
  6. Cody
    February 12, 2012

    You wrote this story so you could explain to people why you have all three didn’t you.
    “No, I was just doing research for this online blog I work on.”
    “Why are they in my bed? Well I find that I can focus better in the soft lighting of the bedroom at night and I just haven’t moved them yet.”

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    Rating: +33 (from 33 votes)
  7. Abby
    February 12, 2012

    “First, that looks nothing like Ryan Kesler. That looks like Raffi Torres crossed with Dale Weise, with hair by Tanner Glass.”

    And RED hair? Seriously, someone colour blind designed these. But HA and two thumbs up to you for the highly entertaining post.

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    Rating: +8 (from 10 votes)
  8. Anonymous
    February 12, 2012

    Seriously, at the Canucks store seeing them in person is ridiculous, Kesler’s hair is 100 times more red than the Sedins?

    Still, who else can say they’ve cuddled up with the big 3?

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    Rating: +6 (from 6 votes)
  9. Arnold Jamtart
    February 13, 2012

    A couple of G’s, an R and an E, an I and an N. Just six little letters, all jumbled together have caused damage that we may never mend…

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    • Harrison Mooney
      February 13, 2012

      As much as I love this video, I have no idea why you posted it.

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      Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
    • SteveB
      February 13, 2012

      Is that Phil Kessel with eyeliner and a wig on piano?

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      Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
      • The Bookie
        February 13, 2012

        Look, the man has a long off-season, he needs a hobby.

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        Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  10. I'mjustsuggesting
    February 13, 2012

    It’s Bettmans fault. It always is.

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  11. KC
    February 13, 2012

    Um, there’s also the fact that the Kesler doll is fully clothed…

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    Rating: +17 (from 17 votes)
  12. J21
    February 13, 2012

    Hey, J21 doesn’t even get a stick-tap for directly inspiring this post via Twitter? :(

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    Rating: +9 (from 9 votes)
    • Harrison Mooney
      February 13, 2012

      Ah crap. I actually meant to do to that. I am ashamed.

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      Rating: +6 (from 6 votes)
      • J21
        February 13, 2012

        Hey, no edit to the original story in response. :(

        (I could do this all day).

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        Rating: +7 (from 7 votes)
        • Harrison Mooney
          February 13, 2012

          *Grumble* You’re lucky I love you.

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          Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
          • J21
            February 13, 2012

            [Starts thinking what else to ask for. Chex mix?]

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            Rating: +6 (from 6 votes)
  13. SteveB
    February 13, 2012

    My Monday morning reaction:

    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v390/skb/misc%20stuff/random_stuff/PITB/sedin-drawing_shopped.png

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  14. cathylu
    February 13, 2012

    Normally I would be the first in line to buy stuff like that (I do love my plush Fin) but those are just too creepy and wrong!

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  15. PeeSeeGee
    February 13, 2012

    The Ovechkin one is pretty good, so it the Malkin one. The Zetterberg one looks more like Hacksaw Jim Duggan. But the real question is where are the Leafs? That has to be a huge market for the NHL but there are none. Also, I was dying to see what Phaneuf looked like smiling.

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