This guy would have more to say if he had read the cheat sheet.
Two years ago, we introduced the inaugural Canucks Bandwagon cheat sheet to give aid to the less informed, less involved fan who wanted to feel a part of the Canucks’ success. Last year, we did the same, allowing a number of fair-weather fans to get into the team just in time for the Stanley Cup run. (Unfortunately, those fair-weather fans went on to riot. We can’t help but feel partly responsible for that.)
The Canucks are once again the talk of the town. They’re back on top of the Northwest division, they’re contending for the Western Conference title and the Presidents’ trophy, and they’re a Stanley Cup favourite. Safe to say, as more and more Vancouverites realize they’re still good, we’re going to have a fresh batch of bandwagoners.
If you’re one of those bandwagoners, we want to help you fit in. This year’s Bandwagon Canucks Fan Cheat Sheet–a geyser of valuable information–will tell you everything you need to know about the Vancouver Canucks roster. Today we introduce you to the defencemen and goalies. Tomorrow: forwards and coaches.
DEFENCEMEN
ANDREW ALBERTS
About: Alberts wears no. 41. He’s 6’5″ and, like the aliens in The Invasion, he loves to take the body. He’s especially strong on the penalty kill, where he blocks shots, clears pucks and makes up for penalties he took earlier. Unfortunately, he’s not as effective at even-strength. When the play isn’t limited to just one zone, his lumbering stride is a little more noticeable.
Nickname(s): AHLBerts, Andy Alby, A Minor, Barabbas
My wife thinks he looks like: Ben Affleck.
If he touches the puck, it was incidental contact during a bodycheck. He’ll get rid of it.
Expect to hear: “Big hit by Alberts in the corner.”
Don’t expect to hear: “Noted speedster Alberts stickhandles through the neutral zone…”
KEITH BALLARD
About: Ballard wears no. 4. He’s deployed primarily as a bottom pairing blueliner, although he’s paid like a top-four guy. He recently won fastest skater at Canucks Super Skills and he occasionally rushes the puck into the offensive zone all by himself. He makes remarkable hipchecks, although he can get a bit low. Unfortunately, despite his high skillset, he can’t seem to find his way out of AV’s dog house, which may have a hedge maze in it.
Nickname(s): Mallard, Howard the Duck, Wolf, Hips, Power Ballard, Pranky the Prankster
My wife thinks he looks like he could use a hug.
If he touches the puck, he could make a brutal turnover or he could orchestrate a dazzling end-to-end rush. Alain Vigneault is impressed by neither of these things.
Expect to hear: “What a hipcheck. Give Ballard more icetime!”
Don’t expect to hear: “What a turnover. Give Rome more icetime!”
KEVIN BIEKSA
About: Bieksa wears no. 3. He plays on the Canucks’ top shutdown pairing with Dan Hamhuis. He’s the team’s best quote. He is beloved in Vancouver these days, which is impressive since, at the beginning of last season, Canuck fans wanted to run him out of town.
Nickname(s): Juice, The Stanchion Whisperer, Francesco, Wolverine
My wife thinks he looks like: Marty Bieksa. Other than that, no one.
If he touches the puck: Hope it just deflected off a stanchion. He’s got crazy chemistry with stanchions.
Expect to hear: “Hahaha, Bieksa said milk hot dogs. What?”
Don’t expect to hear: “Bieksa should try being a little more forthcoming with the media.”
ALEXANDER EDLER
About: Edler wears no. 23. He is either the Canucks’ number one defenceman or their number three defenceman, depending on whom you ask. He’s certainly the most well-rounded, capable starting the rush, jumping into the rush, or finishing off the rush. He’s a Swede, but he’s always rushin’. (Heyo!) Speaking of being a Swede, Edler has a reputation for being quiet, unassuming, and relatively unemotional. Among Swedes.
Nickname(s): Eagle, Steady Eddy, Breadler, The Walking Deadler
My wife thinks he looks like: Daniel Stern.
If he touches the puck, his stick will shatter into a thousand tiny pieces. It may do that even if he doesn’t touch the puck.
Expect to hear: Nothing. No one has ever heard Edler speak.
Don’t expect to hear: “That Edler is one wild and crazy guy.”
DAN HAMHUIS
About: Hamhuis wears no. 2 and is one half of the Canucks’ shutdown defensive pairing with Kevin Bieksa. He’s a stay-at-home type who makes smart, positional plays, and moves the puck out of the zone quickly. He’s noted for his faith and his charity work, not to mention his general niceness.
Nickname(s): Hammy, The Hammer, Community Man,
My wife thinks he looks like: a youth pastor.
If he touches the puck: no one will notice. If Hamhuis were a politician, he’d be in a constant state of scandal because his contributions are gravely under-reported.
Expect to hear: “Hamhuis pokes the puck away from his man, apologizes, and moves the puck up ice.”
Don’t expect to hear: “Selfish play by Hamhuis. Typical Hamhuis.”
AARON ROME
About: Rome wears no. 29. He’s a depth defenceman for the Canucks, especially serviceable in that he can play on either side on any pairing with only a slight dropoff in efficiency. He plays primarily on the bottom pairing with or in place of Keith Ballard. His game, like Chutes n’ Ladders, is very simple. It involves little more than dumping the puck one zone ahead from whatever zone he’s in.
Nickname(s): Romer
My wife thinks he looks like: Rocko from Undergrads.
If he touches the puck, it’s going off the glass and out into the neutral zone.
Expect to hear: “Aaron Rome clears the puck to centre.”
Don’t expect to hear: “Aaron Rome is in the lineup precisely for thrilling end-to-end rushes like that .”
SAMI SALO
About: Salo wears no. 6. He is the longest-serving member of the Canucks’ blueline corps. He plays primarily on a pairing with Alex Edler. Some say he’s the Canucks’ best defenceman when healthy, but this is a guy who has torn an Achilles tendon playing backgammon and once missed time after being bitten by a poisonous sparrow. He’s rarely healthy.
Nickname(s): Owl, The Fragile Finn, the Finnish MacInnis, Casper, Salpa, Hurtie McOuchie, Salo is your Pal-O
My wife thinks he looks like: Death (as conceptualized by Ingmar Bergman). Also Boo Radley.
If he touches the puck, he’s probably stepping into a massive slapper.
Expect to hear: “Salo gets hit by the shot and he’s hurt, which is remarkable, because he shot that puck.”
Don’t expect to hear: “I agree with Brad Marchand — there’s nothing more terrifying than the sight of Sami Salo coming down the boards. It’s like The Exorcist on ice.”
ALEXANDER SULZER
About: Sulzer wears no. 52. He’s a depth defenceman that was signed by the Canucks in the offseason, or at least that’s what he tells everyone. No one in the Canucks’ organization has any recollection of ever calling him. They say he just showed up one day with his luggage and said “I’m here!” He doesn’t get into a whole lot of games, but he’s there in case he’s needed.
Nickname(s): Who’s that guy?
My wife thinks he looks like: Henrik Sedin. Also, Josh Dallas from Once Upon a Time.
If he touches the puck, expect someone in the room to turn to you and ask, “Who’s that guy?”
Expect to hear: “No seriously, who’s that guy?”
Don’t expect to hear: “Sulzer is my favourite Canuck.”
CHRIS TANEV
About: Tanev wears no. 8. He made his Canuck debut last season and earned praise for his calm, cool, and collected play. He’s spent much of this season in the AHL, playing on a top pairing for the Canucks’ affiliate Chicago Wolves, but it’s only a matter of time before he’s back with the big club, especially since he’s a right-handed blueliner on a team that doesn’t have enough of those. His outlet passes are crisper than baked chips.
Nickname(s): Crisp Tanev, The Cucumber
My wife thinks he looks like: A very young Robert De Niro. Actually, this one’s uncanny.
If he touches the puck: he’s about to get nailed with a massive bodycheck, which won’t faze him in the slightest.
Expect to hear: “Tanev is so cool and calm with the puck. He’s like a young Paul Martin.”
Don’t expect to hear: “Tanev looks primed and ready for a political career. He’s like a young Paul Martin.”
GOALTENDERS
ROBERTO LUONGO
About: Luongo is the Canucks’ number one goaltender, a fact of which he wears no. 1 to remind us. He was, at one time, the captain of the team, but it didn’t work out. When he’s amazing, fans tolerate him. When he’s inconsistent, the local Costco moves a lot of tar and feathers.
Nickname(s): Luuuuuuuu, Bobby Lu, Funny Bob
My wife thinks he looks like: Sacha Baron Cohen. And Lady Gaga.
If he touches the puck, hope it didn’t come from behind the net, or it’s banking off him and in.
Expect to hear: “Luongo is the best goaltender the Canucks have ever had.” Also, “Luongo is the worst goaltender in the NHL.”
Don’t expect to hear: “Tough to blame Luongo on that goal.”
CORY SCHNEIDER
About: Schneider wears no. 35. He’s the Canucks’ backup netminder. He has red hair. Many fans want him to be the starter.
Nickname(s): Gingerbricks, The C-Wall, Frecklesnoot, Schnoo
My wife thinks he looks like: Patrick Renna, of children’s sports movie classics The Sandlot and The Big Green.
If he touches the puck: he just ignited a goaltending controversy.
Expect to hear: “Tough to blame Schneider for that goal.”
Don’t expect to hear: “Personally, I find Luongo to be far less divisive and much more likable.”
FORWARDS & MANAGEMENT
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jimbob
February 8, 2012i’m usually not the spelling nazi but, i believe all bandwagoners should know that bieksa wears #3 not #2, and that he looks a lot like his little brother. he looks just as grumpy as juice.
also rome is 29 not 28.
otherwise great post!
Harrison Mooney
February 8, 2012Well, those aren’t spelling errors. They’re just errors. Fixed. And yes, I forgot about Marty. So I’ve updated that as well. Look at the impact you’ve had!
madwag
February 8, 2012“Depending on who you talk to” isn’t a spelling error either. It’s a case error. Please use the objective case when warranted. And it is certainly more rhythmical to read “on whom you talk to” than the way it is. I won’t comment on the fact it should be “”on to whom you talk” because you’ll just dismiss me as an anachronism, which is not at all a bad thing to be., especially when one is correct in one’s analysis. And as far as rhythm goes, “on to whom you talk” doesn’t miss a beat.
madwag
February 8, 2012., error.
Harrison Mooney
February 8, 2012I agree with you in this case, but frankly, they all sound clunky to me. So I went with “depending on whom you ask.”
madwag
February 8, 2012EVEN BETTER! however did i miss the obvious? cheers.
Qris Johnson
February 9, 2012Bad madwag. Terminal prepositions aren’t wrong.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_English_usage_misconceptions
JS Topher
February 10, 2012You know, Madwag, I’m not always your biggest fan but today, I have to say, I appreciate your comment. I too prefer “depending on to whom you talk”.
JS Topher
February 10, 2012Disregard the above. Harrison for the win.
Harrison Mooney
February 10, 2012Yeah buddy
Alison
February 8, 2012I laughed throughout this post. A day without your tweets is like a day without sunshine. The Salo one was the best and also sadly true which made it funnier in an odd way.
peanutflower
February 8, 2012” The Walking Deadler” hahaha. Also, Salo Palo contest winners?
Harrison Mooney
February 8, 2012We’re trying to catch up on all our lapsed post ideas, so Palo contest winners will be announced later this week.
SteveB
February 8, 2012“KEVIN BIEKSA
About: Bieksa wears no. 2″
Typo alert.
BXA wears #3
SteveB
February 8, 2012D’oh, should have refreshed the page before commenting.
Anyone else get this error message on the very young Robert De Niro link?
“Referral Denied
You don’t have permission to access “http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/robert-de-niro.jpg” on this server.
Reference #24.1512f418.1328730189.7a5b1682 “
peanutflower
February 8, 2012I too got that error.
JS Topher
February 10, 2012yep.
sarah
February 8, 2012Andrew Alberts looks like a skinny King of Queens!
BedBeats
February 8, 2012For you Harrison, my girlfriends Canuck namecheck. Bear in mind…she is not a fan, but bless her burlesque dancing heart for trying:
“Manny MarsVolta”.
“Roberto Longoal”.
“The Sedan Twins”.
“Ryan Kevlar (or the “hot underwear guy”)”.
HotDog (duhhh, Cory Schnieder).
“Kevin Beealzabub”.
“Jannik Handsoff”.
“Sammy Swallos”
“Alex Antler”.
jimbob
February 8, 2012i dont think we want sami ‘swallo’ ing anything. he might rip his larynx or something.
Rory
February 8, 2012ALEXANDER SULZER – Who? Cracked me up. I really did that the first time his name was mentioned during a game.
PeeSeeGee
February 8, 2012One of my favourite posts of the year. This year I will be printing out and putting on my refrigerator as a reference tool for my wife.
George Stevens
February 8, 2012I got that same “Denied you dont have permission to view this image” message for a couple of the images.
Great post though!
Cody
February 8, 2012My friends and I always used to call Salo the glass-man just so people around us would say “You talking about Tanner Glass?” providing us with the opportunity to say “No” look at them funny and continue talking. Sadly this no longer works.
Gabrielle
February 8, 2012What about “Schneiderman?” I think that should be listed as one of his nicknames.
iLovePITB
February 8, 2012But.. Sulzer is my favourite Canuck..
Harrison Mooney
February 8, 2012NO HE ISN’T
Abby
February 8, 2012It’s here! Now, to forward it to all the bandwagoners that I know…
Cathylu
February 8, 2012LOL. So many laughs from the post and the comments! Thanks!
Emily
February 8, 2012All of your posts make me laugh, but this one cracked me up way, way too hard.
Though my favourite Schneider nickname is Ginger Jesus. Because he is.
Miriam M
February 8, 2012I like both “Ginger Jesus” and “Luongod.” It just furthers the idea that the Canucks have a religious following or something.
erik
February 8, 2012so glad someone else noticed the ingmar bergman thing. i’ve been preaching that for years.
sarah
February 8, 2012I don’t know if this would be too much work, but I think it would be awesome to have a “getting to know the prospects” type blog post, where some of the Canuck prospects are featured. I’ve been following some of them on twitter and they seem pretty adorable and it would be nice to know more about some of the players we might be cheering for in a couple of years.
Square Ball
February 8, 2012I’ve always thought Luongo looks like Sasha Baron Cohen! Also, somewhat like Kramer from Seinfeld.
(See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Cosmo_Kramer.jpg)
http://www.squidoo.com/cosmo-kramer?utm_source=google&utm_medium=imgres&utm_campaign=framebuster
http://postmediaprovince.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/roberto-luongo-112408.jpg)
Square Ball
February 8, 2012Also, Lady Gaga looks like she has a little bit of a fuzzy teenage-beginning-of-a-moustache.
JanBanan
February 8, 2012I’ve been waiting years for someone to make a clever ‘Paul Martin’ joke. Well worth the wait.
Daniel Wagner
February 8, 2012I’ve been waiting years to make a clever “Paul Martin” joke, so I’m glad someone appreciated it.
Tom
February 8, 2012I’ve been WAITING months for you guys to do another one of these!!
Tom
February 8, 2012…I’ll read it later tonight.
Karen
February 8, 2012Personally, I think Alexander Sulzer looks like the Quarterback for the BC Lions, Travis Lulay. (http://cfl.uploads.mrx.ca/league/images/en/inside/2011/11/Travis_Lulay_2011_211654.jpg) and (http://www.darpanmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/5763990.bin_.jpeg)
Brigitte
February 9, 2012Hansen is not impressed by that guys sign.
J21
February 9, 2012Edler looks like he was getting some serious sun in that photo… he even has a hairline tan.
And I mention this every time, but how can so many people miss Bieksa’s obvious resemblance to Matt Damon? Not in that picture per se, but there are some real uncanny ones.
May
February 9, 2012Does anyone think Schneider looks like Emma Stone or is it just me?! Also, Rome looks like the dental assistant guy in Horrible Bosses who gets sexually harassed by Jennifer Aniston.
Chicky
February 9, 2012OMG, the Salo reference.. so funny. Is it bad that I refer to him as a broken down golf cart?
LIv
February 9, 2012I love it – esp the #1 reference for Lu! Looking forward to the next edition.
And Eddie…uncanny resemblance to another Alexander…Skarsgaard that is. And he does speak – he encouraged me the whole time we were playing table hockey and even told me “great game” after I beat him in OT
.
obituary mambo
February 11, 2012No offense to Edler (who I think is beyond awesome), but that comparison is doing Skarsgaard a serious disservice.
Chris
February 10, 2012Silly Mrs. Mooney, Sami Silo looks like Powder.
And Alex Sulzer IS my favourite Canuck.
Harrison Mooney
February 10, 2012Gross. Mrs. Mooney is my mom. My wife’s name is “Harrison’s wife”.
Treetree
February 10, 2012Thank you PITB, you are such a lifesaver. Your cheat sheet is informative and hilarious as always. However, I’m still going to ask “Who’s that guy?” when I see Sulzer.
Matt
February 11, 2012Who says Edler isn’t wild and crazy? Bieksa broke the code of silence by confirming that Edler has been known to order cheesecake from room service at midnight:
http://forum.canucks.com/topic/292989-alex-edler-a-norris-candidate-in-the-next-7-years/