With only a month to go until the 2012 NHL trade deadline, you can expect to come across a ton of absurd Canuck-related trade rumours in the next 30 days. Anywhere from most to all of these rumours will not come true. This is because the majority are fabricated by people with no more inside information than you have. They have absolutely no source, and they derive their rumours from either sheer fabrication, simple logic, or an uneasy marriage of both. The best of these rumours are then disseminated as possibilities. Fabricating a Canucks’ trade rumour only takes a few minutes, and if done correctly, can provide untold amusement.
1 Think of a player that you would like to see on the Canucks. It’s not essential, but if you want your rumour to achieve maximum spreadability, sprinkle in some logic. For instance: pick a guy from a team that likely won’t make the playoffs. Those teams’ general managers are eager to see the Canucks have success and are willing to trade just about anybody to Vancouver.
2 Create a source. Suggestions: a little-known media personality, a former player that general managers would likely not make a habit of telling anything, or a friend or family member who works for one of the organizations. If it’s the latter, don’t worry yourself with what, exactly, your friend does. No one really knows how the communication system inside an athletic organization works and many seem to assume that general managers send out mass e-mails informing everyone on staff of his plans. If you prefer vagueness or laziness, regularly using the term “my sources” will give you instant credibility.
3 Come up with something to go the other way. Think of Canuck assets that are “expendable”, which is to mean “relatively undesirable to you.” In effect, pick players that you wouldn’t miss, either because they’re untalented or because they have certain flaws or undesirable contracts. Assume that another team’s general managers and scouting staff know less about these players than you and have no idea these issues exist.
4 Determine how many of these assets you think that player you’ve targeted is worth and randomly select one to three assets accordingly. Feel free to disregard the needs of the other team, but factoring in even cursory logic will give the rumour more believability.
5 Select the social networking platform through which you will start this rumour. Do you plan to create rumours often? Create a Twitter account or blog where you can post more fabricated rumours. You can choose any name you like, but people are drawn to names that sound official, like “HockeyyInsiderr” or “NHL Sources Say”. Create an avatar by blacking out a photo of anyone and putting a question mark where the face should be. Alternately, add an underscore or “TheReal” to the Twitter name of a credible member of the mainstream media.
6 Share your rumour, ideally in two places, then link the second to the first and call it your source.
7 Giggle to yourself like a turd and enjoy the fame no one knows you have when your rumour is shared by thousands of hopeful and gullible Canuck fans.
• When creating an insider persona, don’t stop to consider that, if people told a guy rumours in confidence and then those rumours were broken by an anonymous source, people would stop talking to that guy really quickly. Furthermore, don’t stop to consider that anonymity in hockey coverage is completely unnecessary if you’re committed to telling the truth. No one else will either. And you can always pad your credibility by slightly rewording and sharing rumours and trades from reputable sources the moment you hear them, as though you’re breaking them.
• If you are bilingual, post the rumour to a foreign language site first and link from there. People are so bewildered by other languages they’ll believe anything.
• If you’re concerned someone might suspect that you or your source are full of it, tell them your source works “deep inside” the organization or is “in the know”. Neither of these expressions mean anything if you think about it, but people are impressed by them.
• If you’re lucky, a major media outlet will report your rumour. If they do, be sure to use that outlet as the new source before somebody tracks down the original source and debunks the rumour.
• Not convinced your rumour will convince? Throw in a 3rd round pick to even things out.Tags: Instructions, Questionable Comedic Content, There are some stupid people creating trade rumours on Twitter, Trade Rumour