How to fabricate a successful Canucks trade rumour

With only a month to go until the 2012 NHL trade deadline, you can expect to come across a ton of absurd Canuck-related trade rumours in the next 30 days. Anywhere from most to all of these rumours will not come true. This is because the majority are fabricated by people with no more inside information than you have. They have absolutely no source, and they derive their rumours from either sheer fabrication, simple logic, or an uneasy marriage of both. The best of these rumours are then disseminated as possibilities. Fabricating a Canucks’ trade rumour only takes a few minutes, and if done correctly, can provide untold amusement.

1 Think of a player that you would like to see on the Canucks. It’s not essential, but if you want your rumour to achieve maximum spreadability, sprinkle in some logic. For instance: pick a guy from a team that likely won’t make the playoffs. Those teams’ general managers are eager to see the Canucks have success and are willing to trade just about anybody to Vancouver.

2 Create a source. Suggestions: a little-known media personality, a former player that general managers would likely not make a habit of telling anything, or a friend or family member who works for one of the organizations. If it’s the latter, don’t worry yourself with what, exactly, your friend does. No one really knows how the communication system inside an athletic organization works and many seem to assume that general managers send out mass e-mails informing everyone on staff of his plans. If you prefer vagueness or laziness, regularly using the term “my sources” will give you instant credibility.

3 Come up with something to go the other way. Think of Canuck assets that are “expendable”, which is to mean “relatively undesirable to you.” In effect, pick players that you wouldn’t miss, either because they’re untalented or because they have certain flaws or undesirable contracts. Assume that another team’s general managers and scouting staff know less about these players than you and have no idea these issues exist.

4 Determine how many of these assets you think that player you’ve targeted is worth and randomly select one to three assets accordingly. Feel free to disregard the needs of the other team, but factoring in even cursory logic will give the rumour more believability.

5 Select the social networking platform through which you will start this rumour. Do you plan to create rumours often? Create a Twitter account or blog where you can post more fabricated rumours. You can choose any name you like, but people are drawn to names that sound official, like “HockeyyInsiderr” or “NHL Sources Say”. Create an avatar by blacking out a photo of anyone and putting a question mark where the face should be. Alternately, add an underscore or “TheReal” to the Twitter name of a credible member of the mainstream media.

6 Share your rumour, ideally in two places, then link the second to the first and call it your source.

7 Giggle to yourself like a turd and enjoy the fame no one knows you have when your rumour is shared by thousands of hopeful and gullible Canuck fans.

• When creating an insider persona, don’t stop to consider that, if people told a guy rumours in confidence and then those rumours were broken by an anonymous source, people would stop talking to that guy really quickly. Furthermore, don’t stop to consider that anonymity in hockey coverage is completely unnecessary if you’re committed to telling the truth. No one else will either. And you can always pad your credibility by slightly rewording and sharing rumours and trades from reputable sources the moment you hear them, as though you’re breaking them.

• If you are bilingual, post the rumour to a foreign language site first and link from there. People are so bewildered by other languages they’ll believe anything.

• If you’re concerned someone might suspect that you or your source are full of it, tell them your source works “deep inside” the organization or is “in the know”. Neither of these expressions mean anything if you think about it, but people are impressed by them.

• If you’re lucky, a major media outlet will report your rumour. If they do, be sure to use that outlet as the new source before somebody tracks down the original source and debunks the rumour.

• Not convinced your rumour will convince? Throw in a 3rd round pick to even things out.

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23 comments

  1. semi_colon
    January 28, 2012

    Don’t forget to throw in the 3rd rounder if you think it’s still a little unbalanced!

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  2. TheReal_Elliotte_Friedman
    January 28, 2012

    NHL sources deep inside the know and Mike Gillis’ Starbucks barista say upcoming three way trade between the Canucks, Devils and Predators:

    To Vancouver: Shea Weber
    To New Jersey: Ballard, Schneider
    To Nashville: Kovalchuk, 3rd round draft pick

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  3. Canuckles
    January 28, 2012

    *Special Guest Article by Eklund of Hockeybuzz

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    Rating: +6 (from 6 votes)
  4. Zach Morris
    January 28, 2012

    I’ll believe anything you say

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  5. Too funny....
    January 28, 2012

    I know someone who thought they heard Gillis’s barber say Weber. What that must mean is that the Canucks are trading Raymond and Ballard and a first round prospect for Weber. It’s very reliable…trust me….

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  6. Chris
    January 28, 2012

    Don’t forget to acknowledge the three way trade: way harder to pull off, way more rare, but when making a rumour, it’s a good way to “launder” your expendable players/bad contracts and hide the obvious difference in player value by spreading it around a little bit. You might not be able to get Stamkos for Dale Weise and a 3rd rounder, but if the Lightning can get someone halfway decent in the exchange, then team number 3 is taking on part of the loss in the equation. After all, rule 1 states clearly that all other GM’s are incompetent and willing to help the Canucks in any way they can. The advantage here is that if it falls through, then you can blame the third team for getting cold feet while the two principles were in agreement, and thus maintain your credibility as a source

    Also, summarizing and simplifying the two teams’ needs as part of the logic can go a long way. Eg: Malkin for Ballard and a 3rd round pick. “Vancouver needs some scoring depth up front, while Pittsburgh really needs a gritty puck-moving defenceman and has been eyeing Ballard for quite a while, so both teams are trying hard to get this one done”.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      January 28, 2012

      All true, according to sources deep inside the organization.

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      Rating: +8 (from 8 votes)
  7. Steve Lockhart
    January 28, 2012

    Great article. On a totally unrelated note: Does anyone know if Perry will be with the Canucks in time for the Chicago game?

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    • BedBeats
      January 28, 2012

      As soon as Schneider and Mase get their names sewn on their Ducks jersey. :P

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  8. John Andress
    January 28, 2012

    How sad!?! True, but sad. Since there is nothing that we can do to influence team transactions the most constructive thing to do is wait patiently (I know. It’s hard.) until those who can do something, do do something. Is there any chance that the talking heads at TSN and Sportsnet could be persuaded to buy into this programme? They seem to be as stupid as Joe Sixpack in the bar except that Joe generally knows that he is talking out his ear. They don’t. They believe that they are important and know what they are taking about. How sad!?! True, but sad.

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  9. BedBeats
    January 28, 2012

    This should be pinned in the CDC “Proposals&Armchair GM’ing” forum on CDC.

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  10. Canuck in Oz
    January 28, 2012

    Long time reader, first time blogger.

    How about we trade some of those so-called fans from the picture, the ones with the sign wanting to trade our #1 goalie? Maybe we could send ‘em to Carolina or Florida for some pucks and tape.

    Like, seriously, it’s one thing to talk about trades in the papers/blogs/etc but another to do something like go through the trouble of making up a sign so Lu could see it. People like that give me the s***s something fierce.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      January 28, 2012

      Just to clarify, the sign is a fake. I photoshopped it. Originally, it said “I [Heart] Lu” or something.

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      • Canuck in Oz
        January 28, 2012

        Ah. Well, that explains a bit then. Will find something else to vent my righteous anger on.

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    • John Andress
      January 29, 2012

      I think that our Antipodean friend might be a stranger to irony.

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      • Canuck in Oz
        January 30, 2012

        Not Antipodean, yet, John – have lived down here for about 14 years now but still 100% Canadian, and 100% Canuck. I will admit I am slightly irony deficient though. Certainly didn’t help by making a comment after drinking a few brews on a 35 degree day.

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  11. J21
    January 28, 2012

    Laughed heartily at this one. To be fair, it’s not only Canuck fans who do all the above…

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  12. Daniel W.
    January 29, 2012

    I wonder if an NHL trade or some Trade talks between two teams ever came of a fan-created rumour! I have to think some GM in the last few years must’ve read something and thought: ”This might actually work!”

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    • BedBeats
      January 30, 2012

      One of the more clearer minds on CDC had been all over signing Manny Malhotra in his off season. Obviously MG saw his post.

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  13. TSN is a joke
    January 30, 2012

    Very funny and very poignant. Alternative titles for this article could include: “How to become an NHL beat-reporter”, or “The seven step routine Darren Dreger follows every morning”

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  14. Pip2300
    January 30, 2012

    Don’t forget to change to your name to Eklund

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  15. DSM
    January 31, 2012

    Hilarious eHow formatting. Applies of course to any team, especially Canadian ones for some mysterious reason.

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