Kevin Bieksa’s custom mad lib on his life story, milk hot dogs and his animal nickname

There are plenty of reasons why the opposition might dislike Kevin Bieksa (the photo above, for instance, depicts him taunting the TD Garden crowd after the Canucks’ recent win in Boston), but for local bloggers like ourselves, he’s a godsend.

From his decision to join Twitter (as per our campaign) to the milk hot dogs thing to the disclosure of the Canucks’ grand and hallowed tradition of animal nicknames,¬†Juice has been feeding us gold all year long, and during a slow news cycle like the one we’re currently experiencing, Bieksa’s contributions are even more appreciated.

Our pal Derek Jory recently played Alex Haley to Bieksa’s Malcolm X, collaborating on a custom mad lib that provides insight into many of Bieksa’s running gags, as well as valuable hockey advice (“Wear a jock, but never pee in it”) and thought-provoking handshake safety questions (“With so many diseases, should we adopt the ‘head bow’?”). Be sure to Read Bieksa’s full mad lib at Canucks.com, but let’s take a look at some of the highlights.

Here’s Bieksa and Jory on milk hot dogs (which 2012 is apparently the year of):

I don’t typically make New Year’s Resolutions, but the one thing I want to accomplish in 2012, aka the year of the MILK HOT DOG, is to ARREST SOMEONE. I’ve always wanted to. Why not now! Today’s the day! Seize the moment! I should really work for VPD with that kind of go-getter attitude. Maybe I will when I retire. Nah, retirement will be my time to EAT and SLEEP the days away. That’ll be swell.

A lot of people have been asking me about MILK HOT DOGS recently. It was an inside thing. We have a lot of fun in the dressing room. To satisfy your curiosity, I will tell you this: THE TWINS PUT ME UP TO IT. Keep that to yourself, no one knows that. Or, on the flip side, that I LISTENED TO THEM.

It’s worth noting that, in the previous occurrence of the “milk hot dog” gag, Ryan Kesler disclosed that the twins put him up to it as well. Clearly, “milk” and “hot dogs” are English words the Sedins find incredibly hilarious. Maybe they’re swear words in Swedish or something.

But perhaps the most informative moment in Bieksa’s story is the signoff:

Sincerely,

Kevin WOLVERINE Bieksa

My friends, I do believe he just gave us his animal nickname.

Perhaps it’s a moniker he earned after learning not to pee his jock? Soiling oneself during the play is a very Hugh Jackman thing to do.

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7 comments

  1. zach
    January 20, 2012

    PITB, updated list of known Canuck animal nicknames?

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  2. Zach Morris
    January 20, 2012

    Oh, Jory, what a lucky man you are.
    You get to spend time with the team, make them laugh, caption pictures wittily and eat, sleep and drink hockey.
    I’d love that job.

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    Rating: +24 (from 24 votes)
    • JS Topher
      January 20, 2012

      I had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Jory last year after the Canucks won the Sharks’ series. I was at the Roxy waiting in line at the bar and I looked over to my right and couldn’t help but say “Hey! It’s Derek Jory!” He was so excited that someone knew who he was by appearance that he demanded that my girlfriend at the time and myself come hang out with him and his sister. He brought us to the back and was very hospitable. As were the few players I met too! I spent a good chunk of the night though, being nostalgic of Winnipeg with Jory and his sister. He had to leave before the night was over because he had to write something for CDC But we vowed to return if we won the cup but, well… we know how that went… Sad to say, I never got to properly thank that man… him and his burly beard…

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      • Nee
        January 21, 2012

        Cool story! He definitely seems like a nice guy.

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  3. Cathylu
    January 20, 2012

    I found it interesting that he wants to arrest someone. I work for a law enforcement agency in So Cal – the next time he’s in town I could arrange a ride-along for him with one of my co-workers!

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  4. sarah
    January 20, 2012

    But was this a council approved disclosure?

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  5. tony
    January 21, 2012

    Harrison, I’m a little disappointed you did not include Bieksa crossing out his real middle name (Christopher) and writing Francesco, this may have been the highlight of the entire thing.

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