Kevin Bieksa’s custom mad lib on his life story, milk hot dogs and his animal nickname

There are plenty of reasons why the opposition might dislike Kevin Bieksa (the photo above, for instance, depicts him taunting the TD Garden crowd after the Canucks’ recent win in Boston), but for local bloggers like ourselves, he’s a godsend.

From his decision to join Twitter (as per our campaign) to the milk hot dogs thing to the disclosure of the Canucks’ grand and hallowed tradition of animal nicknames, Juice has been feeding us gold all year long, and during a slow news cycle like the one we’re currently experiencing, Bieksa’s contributions are even more appreciated.

Our pal Derek Jory recently played Alex Haley to Bieksa’s Malcolm X, collaborating on a custom mad lib that provides insight into many of Bieksa’s running gags, as well as valuable hockey advice (“Wear a jock, but never pee in it”) and thought-provoking handshake safety questions (“With so many diseases, should we adopt the ‘head bow’?”). Be sure to Read Bieksa’s full mad lib at Canucks.com, but let’s take a look at some of the highlights.

Here’s Bieksa and Jory on milk hot dogs (which 2012 is apparently the year of):

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Drance Numbers: Chris Tanev’s demonic possession

Drance Numbers is the silly research wing of PITB. While Messrs. Wagner and Mooney blog nationally and solve mysteries, Drance Numbers will look into the minutiae of quantifiable NHL data and bore you with it every Friday. Today, Drance looks at Chris Tanev’s legion-like possession skills.

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Manny Malhotra takes the shortest shifts in the NHL

Few seem to understand the value that Manny Malhotra brings to the Canucks. The Vancouver Sun’s own Fan Attic, for instance, recently argued that Malhotra is paid too much for his role as a fourth-line centre, noting his lack of point production, his minus-6 plus/minus, and his lack of hits.

Unfortunately, this fails to really account for what Malhotra contributes to the Canucks. He is certainly being paid more than the average fourth-line centre, but this is because he isn’t an average fourth-line centre. The way that he is used on the ice is essentially unprecedented in the NHL and is a key reason the Canucks are successful as a team.

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