Projecting Canuck fan outrage at the NHL All-Star draft

Yesterday, we discussed the announcement that Zdeno Chara and Daniel Alfredsson would serve as the two captains for next week’s All-Star Game, and what it meant for the home team. With one captain a sworn enemy of the Canucks, his teammates urging him to build a Canuck-free team, and the other a sworn ally, it seemed reasonable to assume which side of the floor Vancouver’s representatives would wind up on.

But let’s not kid ourselves: Canuck fans have never let inevitability or predictability get in the way of hardcore outrage. Regardless of what happens at the All-Star Draft, even if it runs counter to what we’ve projected, Canuck fans will be furious at the results. Zdeno Chara is damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t, and not just because he allegedly eats souls and has cloven hooves — when you’re cast as the villain, it doesn’t take much to have your every action interpreted as villainy.

That in mind, we at PITB have decided to examine the possible outcomes of draft day and project not just the draft results but also the resultant outrage, using our handy outrage-o-meter.

Scenario no. 1: Chara select zero Canucks.

What a jerk! He’s biased! He can’t even lay aside his grudges for a meaningless All-Star Game!? Typical Bruin! Classless and petty!

Scenario no. 2: Chara selects all three Canucks.

I’m confused by this and it makes me angry! Why didn’t Daniel Alfredsson pick any Canucks?! I thought he was on our side! Down with Alfredsson! Ass!

Scenario no. 3: Chara selects Daniel, but not Henrik.

He split up the Sedins to prevent them from succeeding! This draft is unfair to the twins! It’s like the league doesn’t want to showcase them! Conspiracy!! What an idiot! Henrik leads the league in scoring but Chara selects Daniel!? Moron!

Scenario no. 4: Chara selects Henrik, but not Daniel.


He split up the Sedins to prevent them from succeeding! This draft is unfair to the twins! It’s like the league doesn’t want to showcase them! Conspiracy!! What a tool! Daniel leads the Canucks in goal-scoring but he selects Henrik?! Moron!

Scenario no. 5: Chara selects Alex Edler, but neither Henrik nor Daniel.

What’s wrong with the Sedins, huh? They gave a lot of money to charity, you ass! You only picked Edler to throw us off the trail! We’re onto you! Ass!

Scenario no. 6: Chara selects a Canuck, but only because it’s the last pick of the draft.

He’s a patsy! A patsy, I say! It’s a league-wide conspiracy to destroy the Canucks’ confidence! Gary Bettman doesn’t want a Canadian team in the finals!

Scenario no. 7: Chara selects Daniel, who clocks Henrik with a folding chair and immediately tears off his jersey to reveal Bruins colours.

…… CONSPIRACY!!!!

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19 comments

  1. SteveB
    January 19, 2012

    I predict a melt-down on the Team 1040′s switchboard no matter what the outcome.

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  2. By-Tor
    January 19, 2012

    I should not have read this in the middle of class. Luckily it was on break or my attempts to stifle my laughter would have been far more conspicuous.

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    Rating: +14 (from 14 votes)
  3. holidayblues
    January 19, 2012

    OMG. I think I might die from laughing too hard.
    .
    .
    It’s a CONSPIRACY! The Bruins obviously made this so that I could die and no longer claim first place in the anti–fantasy league!!11!

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    Rating: +10 (from 12 votes)
  4. CanuckFanInSF
    January 19, 2012

    You forgot the projection of Chara choosing both Sedins and making them alternate captains to serve him.

    ;) Now let’s see how that’s going to go over the fanbase.

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    Rating: +18 (from 18 votes)
    • Harrison Mooney
      January 19, 2012

      Outrage: ALL.

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      Rating: +19 (from 19 votes)
    • Nee
      January 19, 2012

      Haha, that would be diabolical. He should do it…and watch the tin-foil segment of the Canucks fanbase lose their minds.

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      Rating: +7 (from 7 votes)
  5. asg
    January 19, 2012

    i just hope Ovi gets picked last, Karma for being a total @%@% to Kessel last year. Other than that, who cares its the ASG, but canucks fans will find something to complain about thats for sure

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    Rating: +3 (from 19 votes)
  6. J-Dogg
    January 19, 2012

    You forgot another option:

    Scenario no. 8: Chara breaks down crying, stating he wants to pick a Canuck, but can’t due to pressure of the Boston Media & fans, thus instantly changing his persona to “Gentle Giant” all is forgiven and no more suspensions for any Boston players for the rest of the season.

    Colin Campbell nods his head in approval…

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    • Chicky
      January 19, 2012

      Colin’s nodding approval while he slips Shanny some “bruin-lovin’” kool-aid. Tells him it’s a hazing thing.

      Conspiracy evolves.

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      Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
  7. Jen
    January 19, 2012

    Daniel Sedin is out for blood. This just proves it.

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    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
  8. akidd
    January 19, 2012

    zdeno picks hank and dan but then disses them in an interview comparing them unfavourably to a couple of greats from his home planet, Trurl and Cloposseus.

    (just keeping the brilliant ’3 suns’ comment going.)

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  9. CAliCanucksFan
    January 19, 2012

    3 all stars… But what about Cody Godson?? 4 all-stars!!

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  10. Rituro
    January 19, 2012

    Re: the lead photo –

    …Grandma?!

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    • Harrison Mooney
      January 19, 2012

      Ha. If anyone actually knows that woman, I must know who she is.

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      Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
      • Rituro
        January 19, 2012

        Agreed. She’d get along well with my grandma, who treasures her autographed stick-in-rink Linden jersey arguably more than any of us grandkids. Oh, and never mention the name “Mark Messier” in her presence. The result is… apocalyptic? Yeah, that’ll do.

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  11. CR
    January 20, 2012

    You sir are traitor! Banishment! Rabble!

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  12. Elexis
    January 20, 2012

    You missed the scenario where Chara picks a Canuck, but sticks them on the fourth line, with :30 minutes of ice time…

    Now, I like this scenario much better…

    Chara picks a Sedin (let’s say Daniel)….who plays along for most of the game, but, in the last shift, “accidentally” tips in his brother’s “shot”on his own goaltender – winning it for the other team :)

    Conspiracy, I tell you…but whose? ;)

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  13. Don_Rocko
    January 20, 2012

    >Scenario no. 7: Chara selects Daniel, who clocks Henrik with a folding chair and immediately tears off his jersey to reveal Bruins colours.

    This. Please let it be this. Then the Twins have their big grudge match (at the All-Star game itself – I predict more of a scuffle than an outright scrap, let’s be honest here) and then following the game, the two meet at the centre of the ice, seemingly seething at one another, only for Daniel to nod to Henrik and the two of them double-clothesline Chara to the ice. Huge pop. Fans go bonkers. The double-switch heel/face turn! It’d be perfect!

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  14. Steve_in_MA
    January 20, 2012

    All of this is very funny. But how about we just have some fun instead. This is, after all, the game we all love dearly. And this is our game’s signature moment. It is an opportunity to bring additional fans to the game and perpetuate its growth. We’ll settle our scores once again when we meet in June, on the ice, battling for the Cup, as it should be. For now, I say skip the petty crap and make the game the loveable center of attention.

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