Yesterday, we discussed the announcement that Zdeno Chara and Daniel Alfredsson would serve as the two captains for next week’s All-Star Game, and what it meant for the home team. With one captain a sworn enemy of the Canucks, his teammates urging him to build a Canuck-free team, and the other a sworn ally, it seemed reasonable to assume which side of the floor Vancouver’s representatives would wind up on.
But let’s not kid ourselves: Canuck fans have never let inevitability or predictability get in the way of hardcore outrage. Regardless of what happens at the All-Star Draft, even if it runs counter to what we’ve projected, Canuck fans will be furious at the results. Zdeno Chara is damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t, and not just because he allegedly eats souls and has cloven hooves — when you’re cast as the villain, it doesn’t take much to have your every action interpreted as villainy.
That in mind, we at PITB have decided to examine the possible outcomes of draft day and project not just the draft results but also the resultant outrage, using our handy outrage-o-meter.
Scenario no. 1: Chara select zero Canucks.
What a jerk! He’s biased! He can’t even lay aside his grudges for a meaningless All-Star Game!? Typical Bruin! Classless and petty!
Scenario no. 2: Chara selects all three Canucks.
I’m confused by this and it makes me angry! Why didn’t Daniel Alfredsson pick any Canucks?! I thought he was on our side! Down with Alfredsson! Ass!
Scenario no. 3: Chara selects Daniel, but not Henrik.
He split up the Sedins to prevent them from succeeding! This draft is unfair to the twins! It’s like the league doesn’t want to showcase them! Conspiracy!! What an idiot! Henrik leads the league in scoring but Chara selects Daniel!? Moron!
Scenario no. 4: Chara selects Henrik, but not Daniel.
He split up the Sedins to prevent them from succeeding! This draft is unfair to the twins! It’s like the league doesn’t want to showcase them! Conspiracy!! What a tool! Daniel leads the Canucks in goal-scoring but he selects Henrik?! Moron!
Scenario no. 5: Chara selects Alex Edler, but neither Henrik nor Daniel.
What’s wrong with the Sedins, huh? They gave a lot of money to charity, you ass! You only picked Edler to throw us off the trail! We’re onto you! Ass!
Scenario no. 6: Chara selects a Canuck, but only because it’s the last pick of the draft.
He’s a patsy! A patsy, I say! It’s a league-wide conspiracy to destroy the Canucks’ confidence! Gary Bettman doesn’t want a Canadian team in the finals!
Scenario no. 7: Chara selects Daniel, who clocks Henrik with a folding chair and immediately tears off his jersey to reveal Bruins colours.
…… CONSPIRACY!!!!Tags: all-star draft, outrage-o-meter, The NHL All-Star Game