It would appear the NHL selected its All-Star captains with the Canucks in mind

Those of you that follow that other blog I write for already know my opinions when it comes to naming the captains for the NHL All-Star Game, but here’s a quick summary for the rest: the game is meaningless. The only thing that matters to players is being named to it. That in mind, rather than letting fans vote players into the game, which is far less of an honour than being selected by the league, let fans vote for the team captains.

This is my vision for the future. Unfortunately, the league doesn’t share it, and the captains have once again been hand-picked by the suits. They are: Daniel Alfredsson of the Ottawa Senators and Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins.

Since this is a Canucks blog, you probably want to know what this means for Vancouver’s All-Star game representatives, Daniel Sedin, Henrik Sedin, and Alex Edler. The short answer: nothing, since the game means nothing.

That said, with the two personalities involved, we may have enough information to project that all three Canucks will wind up on the same team.

As you may know, the Canucks and the Bruins aren’t exactly close. Plenty of teams have clashed in the Stanley Cup Final in recent years, but no two teams have carried over as much resentment as these two. Maybe it has something to do with Aaron Rome stabbing Nathan Horton with a trident. Maybe it’s from when Alex Burrows fed Patrice Bergeron through a wood chipper. Maybe it’s due to Brad Marchand plucking Daniel Sedin’s eyes out Beatrix Kiddo-style. I don’t know. I’m a blogger, not a historian.

All I know is Chara, like the rest of the Bruins, hates the Canucks with a fire hotter than the three suns that heat his home planet.

When asked about Chara’s leanings, Milan Lucic said, “I’m pretty sure there won’t be any Canucks on Z’s team,” and while he was kidding, it’s probably safe to assume that he also sort of wasn’t.

Now, if this bothers you, I’d urge you to save your outrage for a game with some meaning. If the All-Star Game had playoff implications, for instance, Chara, like any reasonable person, would lay down his grudges and assemble the best team, like the Avengers. It doesn’t, however, so he’s more than welcome to snub a few Red Hulks.

But never fear, because the NHL clearly selected its captains with the Canucks in mind. Knowing that two Canuck-hating captains would turn the final three rounds into a “You take him, I don’t want him” situation, forcing the Canuck All-Stars to break off and form their own team of misfits like in that movie Little Giants (with asthmatics, fat kids, preteen girls, and Devon Sawa as Alex Edler) the league chose Daniel Alfredsson to be Chara’s foil.

Maybe it’s the Swede-heavy core, and maybe it’s the fact that he won an Olympic gold with the Sedins, but for whatever reason, Alfredsson likes the Canucks. You’ll recall that, in the wake of Mark Recchi’s comments about the Canucks being the most arrogant, hateable team ever — the Kanye Wests of hockey, if you will — Alfredsson was asked why people hate them so much. His answer: “I don’t.” He then proceeded to break out his acoustic guitar and sing a song he wrote about best friendship.

In any case, it would be an absolute shocker if Henrik and Daniel wound up separated this year, which is just fine with me and it should be fine with everybody. They’ve never played on the same team at an All-Star Game before, and since a large part of their superstar appeal is their creepy twin game, it’s about bloody time they got to showcase it.

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21 comments

  1. The Bookie
    January 18, 2012

    Last year I think I actually found a way to make the ASG slightly useful – I downloaded a torrent of it and let it sit on my computer until late summer, when my hockey withdrawal was at its worst.

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  2. bitterguy
    January 18, 2012

    this sopa thing sucks. i want to know who beatrix kiddo is.

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    • Mary
      January 18, 2012

      Beatrix Kiddo is the name of Uma Thurman’s character from the “Kill Bill” movies.

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      • kim
        January 18, 2012

        Rather watch that than this ASG. ZZZZZZZZ

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  3. Geoff-C-
    January 18, 2012

    “Chara, like the rest of the Bruins, hates the Canucks with a fire hotter than the three suns that heat his home planet.”

    One of the best lines I have ever come across

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    • akidd
      January 18, 2012

      yes, a very good line indeed.

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  4. Chris
    January 18, 2012

    I don’t care who gets picked where, as long as Kessel gets picked before Ovechkin.

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    • sgolesor
      January 18, 2012

      Or Ovie gets picked last and Kessel whips out his phone to take a picture.

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      Rating: +13 (from 15 votes)
  5. Shantini
    January 18, 2012

    That was a good one.

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  6. Canuck
    January 18, 2012

    Should be interesting and Id love for the sedins to be on the same team. However, I think you might be making something into nothing. People will over analyize everything but it’s all in good fun! If Z doesn’t pick a Canuck whatever! Might prove that maybe integrity an sportsmanship isn’t part of the bruins championship win (something into nothing hah).

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    • Harrison Mooney
      January 18, 2012

      Dude, I’m TOTALLY making something out of nothing. Alfredsson was selected because the game’s in his hometown.

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      Rating: +15 (from 15 votes)
      • tj
        January 19, 2012

        And to further make something out of nothing: what would happen if, given Chara’s claim he is going to try to be the best GM he can be and pick based on what would make a good team, he actually chooses the Sedins? He’s said to be a ‘nice’ guy: maybe it’s an olive branch? Maybe he’s deeply evil-doer cruel and wants to blow people’s minds (in some Boston media cases, literally)? Man oh man, the (lack of) tension…

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  7. Abby
    January 18, 2012

    I laughed so hard at this post, specifically at:

    “As you may know, the Canucks and the Bruins aren’t exactly close. Plenty of teams have clashed in the Stanley Cup Final in recent years, but no two teams have carried over as much resentment as these two. Maybe it has something to do with Aaron Rome stabbing Nathan Horton with a trident. Maybe it’s from when Alex Burrows fed Patrice Bergeron through a wood chipper. Maybe it’s due to Brad Marchand plucking Daniel Sedin’s eyes out Beatrix Kiddo-style. I don’t know. I’m a blogger, not a historian.
    All I know is Chara, like the rest of the Bruins, hates the Canucks with a fire hotter than the three suns that heat his home planet.”

    Ah, three cheers for the Big Bad Bears and Johnny Canuck Rivalry. Gotta love the funny things we get to say about it.

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  8. foobarbear
    January 18, 2012

    who are the alternates? do we know yet?

    of course, probably two more sens.

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  9. Murray
    January 19, 2012

    Alfie said that he might use some strategy and leave the Sedins for the later rounds since he didn’t think that Chara was going to pick them.

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    • tj
      January 19, 2012

      I thought that was an example of his cool, dry Nordic wit.

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  10. B-chumps
    January 19, 2012

    Bruins are the biggest whiners in the league. They win one lousy chump’ionship and they think they’re the next oilers dynasty? LOL. Bunch of jokers. The only reason they even made it to the finals was little greggory’s daddy, campbell, and his sock puppet Shannahan. boston whines and cries for things they do to other teams. Never seen a cocky arrogant team in 30 years. One cup and they think they’re the second coming of jesus. that’s how they won, cheap shots, refs made no calls, instigate and get the Canucks off their game. It won’t happen again, every team in the league knows that. those chumps are playing playoff hockey now in the regular season, thinking they’re so hot and untouchable? Such chumps..wait till the play offs start and when there’s less room, they’ll choke. Boston chumps can;t win with class and they can;t lose with class either. And they call the Canucks arrogant? LOl. They aint fooling nobody. Same old Bruins smokescreen to divert attention to the fact that their a bunch of cheap whiners. and Lucic, what can you say about the goalie runner? Someone will take him and that rat mcarchand out sooner later.LOL

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    • Kit
      January 19, 2012

      Please stop helping.

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    • iceman
      January 19, 2012

      Dude, we had enough hatred spewed on this board last week alone.

      Let’s just keep it clean. There’s absolutely no need to start throwing crap again.

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  11. PB-Cleary
    January 19, 2012

    From a B’s fan: hilarious read–forwarding! But, will be surprised if Chara doesn’t choose a Sedin. Z’s a rational man and won’t let team rivalry keep him from a twin. They epitomize everything a Captain would want from a player, on and off ice, and the only department they’re lacking in is a skillset of absolutely no value to an ASG. A total shame that such humble talent has to play for such a disgraceful coach and GM, and Chara, I’m sure, recognizes this.

    P.S. Can you Canuck fans please get it through your soft skulls that we take NESN about as seriously as you take Tony Gallagher? Cheers!

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  12. Spinner
    January 19, 2012

    To clarify: when you wrote about Aaron Rome “stabbing Nathan Horton with a trident,” which sounds epically heroic, you really meant “jeopardizing Horton’s career with a filthy, late hit.” And by Alex Burrows “feeding Patrice Bergeron through a wood-chipper” you really mean “bit his finger like a deviant coward.”

    Best part of this read was B-Chump the half-wit.

    Chara will not draft the Sedins; they’re a food source to him.

    PS I love NESN and Jack Edwards.

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