For a while now, Kevin Bieksa has boasted a reputation as one of the best quotes in hockey. The man can respond to even the driest of questions with a hilarious one-liner. And if he gets a juicier question, well, there’s a reason he’s called Juice — he’s right in his element.
So you had to know his appearance on 99.3 The Fox’s Jeff O’Neill show was going to be appointment listening. Those guys couldn’t care less about the game. They’re only out to get him saying funny things.
Granted, I cringe every time O’Neill and Co. call Bieksa “Boom Boom”, and I double-cringed when they tried to call his kids “Boombinos”. But there’s enough gold here to forgive them this trespass. The 10-minute interview is jam-packed with laugh-out loud moments. Have a listen:
Here are the highlights for the hearing impaired (and those reading at work):
Apparently, if you hit Mason Raymond, as Bieksa did Monday night versus Minnesota (with a puck to the face, no less), you have to give him “A full hug.” Bieksa tried, but Raymond punched him and accused him of denting his face on purpose. Bieksa riffs, ”He already sent out his Christmas cards, so I don’t know what he’s complaining about.”
While working up to a question, the interviewers imply that Bieksa is bad skater. He doesn’t quite accept their assessment. When they finally get to the question (“How far did you get in hockey solely based on your boyish good looks?”), Bieksa responds, ”Next question because THAT WAS STUPID.”
Jeff asks if his 8-year-old son Carter can ask Bieksa something. Bieksa responds, “It can’t be any worse than your question.” Then, the question is, “How many goals have you scored this season?” Brutal.
But Bieksa saves it with his answer: “Not enough. My sticks are terrible,” he says, while sitting next to his Easton rep at Easton headquarters.
In response to the question, “Which guy in the Canucks locker room would struggle the most watching Jeopardy, if you know what I mean?“, Bieksa says, ”Take your pick. We’re getting dumber and dumber every year.”
In response to a question about whether he’ll be manicuring his chest in anticipation for Shirt Off Your Back night on Wednesday, Bieksa says, “It’s 2011, not 1973. You gotta keep things tight.”
And finally, the interviewers go way off the rails for their final question, asking, ”To end cancer, which Canuck would you lay down in the tall grass with and make sweet hockey love to?” Bieksa seems downright confused by the question, eventually making sure that he understands exactly what it is they’re asking by spelling it out in cold, scientific terms: ”So I have to perform a homosexual act?” he says. Not surprisingly, that takes the air out of the question a little. But he plays along anyway. “To end cancer… anybody, take your pick.”
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