The guy selling Bieksa’s tooth on Craigslist was so close

It’s not uncommon for some disgruntled, wiseass hockey fan to put members or the entirety of his local NHL team “for sale” on Craigslist, and Canuck fans, oft-disgruntled as they are, are among the most frequent users of this form of passive, comedic protest. I’d say Roberto Luongo gets listed “for sale” on the network about once a month.

Most of these postings aren’t funny (although I remember once chuckling at Luongo listing that said, “Goalie will play for pasta, hair gel and $7.5 million.”).

But really, the best Canuck-related Craigslist postings are from odd individuals looking to sell strange paraphernalia at exorbitant prices, such as the guy asking $11,000 for that hand-carved Canuck bear in jeans,  or the guy trying to sell Kevin Bieksa’s tooth for $500 the night after the Canuck defenseman took an elbow to the mouth and lost it.

The latter ad didn’t last long, primarily because people (including our beloved sports editor Scott Brown) called B.S. on it right away, due to a major error. Lucky for everyone, I took a screenshot before it was taken down. Relive the glory:

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this dude was either:

A) a snake oil salesman with a boxful of human teeth at the ready, none of them Kevin Bieksa’s;

B) a poor scamp trying to sell his own tooth for Christmas money;

C) A defrauded fool that lost his shirt in a similar scam and was trying to earn it back;

D) A slob trying to turn his own poor dental hygiene into a profitable business;

E) A young entrepreneur trying to gauge interest in a sports memorabilia company ala The Fan Zoo that specializes in athlete teeth.

Because he sure as Hell didn’t have Kevin Bieksa’s tooth.

Not only is it extremely unlikely that anyone was going to find Juice’s loose tooth (say that five times fast) before the zamboni scooped it into its snow tank; it was even more unlikely that the tooth would be found in Colorado’s Pepsi Centre, what with the game being played at Rogers Arena.

That’s a massive error, and since it’s a part of a fairly elaborate story, it caused the whole yarn to collapse.

It’s too bad the guy didn’t do a quick fact-check, because he did a good job with the rest of the lie. The business about the prank pulled by junior ice resurfacers on his humourless zamboni-driving uncle? Nice touch. Concrete language, relatable characters — it really places you in the Pepsi Centre. Had the events actually happened there, he might have been on to something.

All that said, can you imagine if someone had actually given this to someone else for Christmas, as the lister suggested? Can you imagine being given a tooth for Christmas? If my wife gave me a tooth for Christmas, I’d flip the tree and lock myself in the bathroom, no lie.

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6 comments

  1. Brosef Stalin
    December 8, 2011

    Whoever posted the add should just come out and tell the tooth so we can put this behind us…

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  2. Ruth Fisher
    December 8, 2011

    A neighbourhood kid once told me that his dad takes him to all the Leafs games, and when I asked if he’d been to the one the night before, he said yes, his dad and he had flown out to Toronto for the game. The game was in Boston. I think I know who’s behind the posting of this Craigslist ad…

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  3. SteveB
    December 8, 2011

    I wrote him and offered him the generous sum of Eighty Million USD ($80,000,000.00) for the esteemed tooth of Kevin Bieksa, but have not received an answer yet.

    Your faithfully,

    Dr (Mrs.) Mariam Abacha (M.O.N)

    N/B: Please contact Dr Galadima Hassan on this e-mail address for further briefing and modalities

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  4. The Bookie
    December 8, 2011

    awww, I just checked – the free craigslist posting I made for 7 crates of Sturm jerseys in the alley behind Rogers Arena was finally taken down. It was up for weeks.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      December 8, 2011

      Aw, that would have been awesome., Dude, you have to send us this stuff.

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  5. natevk
    December 8, 2011

    Where does “flip the tree” rate on a scale of flip-outs? Somewhere between flipping a lid and flipping the pool?

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